My new plan

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyC1234, Jan 8, 2020.

  1. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    So I have decided not to pursue guardianship of the one grandbaby for now. We really feel if my dad continues to enable after we were to get guardianship it will cause problems in our relationship. Why would we go though all that if he's just going to continue to enable her. We felt like well we will be putting our lives on hold and take on the financial burden of raising two more kids, when we are so close to retirement, while they continue to "party on".... resentment will build up. We would most certainly take the babies on even at the cost of our relationship with my dad, if we absolutely have to, to make sure they are safe.

    Dez still has not paid rent and she now has 5 days to get out, per the notice sent (I have access to her email). She doesn't know that I know that she hasn't paid rent or maybe she does now.

    I am trying to get her to move up with my dad until his home sells. I figure if he wants to enable well why not enable. It should only be a couple of months or so and she can help him pack and keep him company. She can't just take off as she doesn't know anybody there, so maybe that's a good thing.

    When his home does sell, they will have a few weeks to pack up and find a place here, weather that's together or not, that's up to them/him. At least it will give me a few months of peace knowing the babies are in a safe place. Maybe get him out of my home, I know that sounds horrible, but I think it will be less complicated with his enabling if he stays else where, otherwise, I would love for him to stay with us, if the situation was "normal".

    I gotta have some hope that she will use this opportunity to get a job and make things better for her and babies.
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Did Dez ever call to find out about public housing? You mentioned a few months ago that she was reluctant. Is it because she thinks a neighborhood like that wouldn't be a safe place to raise kids? I definitely think she's eligible for section 8 housing. I would have concerns, too, about the safety. But, I think she should at least look into it.
  3. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I know there is a waiting list and I think she was added, but I don't know. I honestly don't know how that works. I don't even think she has filed for the baby's SS# or birth updated her birth certificate with the baby's name. She left the hospital without naming her. It's all about filling out paperwork and saying on top of it and she just can't be bothered. She recently lost her WIC benefits to get formula for the baby and I think it has something to do with paper work she needs to fill out for Grace. Right now mail comes to the house as "Baby boy".....

    Right now with out the section 8 housing, the area they live in is horrible. Lots of homeless people and meth heads around. I tell my grand when I pick her up to hurry up and get in the car because there are zombies.

    My husband just drove by the her apartment and saw that she was packing stuff into the car. He was driving his work truck so she didn't see him. I am hoping, there goes that word again, that she will do right by those babies. Whatever she's doing right now to make money can't be good. I don't even ask, because either I don't want to hear lies or the truth.

    I am stressing about where she will live next. She said she would really think about moving up with my dad....
  4. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    This is tough stuff, but I think you are making a reasonable choice not to go for guardianship if you are close to retirement and Dez is unlikely to change soon.

    I have not followed your story, but not choosing guardianship does not mean you don't care about about your loved ones welfare.
    You can make a report if you feel your grandchildren are not safe.

    I wish you all the best through this difficult time.
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think maybe your dad likes the title of great grandfather a little too much. He wants access to those babies. I also think his support is going to come with a lot of strings attached. He's going to be hurt when she's not around to take care of him when he gets older and starts getting in bad health. If he allows her to move in, he is going to expect Dez to let him see the great granddaughters everyday. It probably won't work out that way. I know you're concerned that he's going to be hurt when it doesn't go like he is expecting.
  6. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Thank you for this. I had the kids last night and she actually picked them up when she said she would.

    He wants the babies to be safe just like I do. Your right there will be lots of strings attached. He is getting older and I'm afraid she will take him for all he's got financially... then what? We will be left to support and care for him. He has enough retirement money right now, but for how long...

    My husband doesn't want to see him do that, but I said we can't control what he does with his money and it's his choice. I was happy that he didn't pay her rent. So I think she's back at the boyfriends house, who had just written her off.... it's one of those relationships....

    As long as the girls are safe, happy and cared for, there isn't much I can do anyway.
  7. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    The chains others shackle us with. My Difficult Child didnt have children, thank God, but she was enabled by many others because they believed her false narratives and manipulative behavior. For several years I tried to get family and friends to realize my Difficult Child is seriously mentally ill and needed encouragement to get help. (A string of rich abusive men enable these destructive behaviors for years). My Difficult Child, 41, has been asked to leave every one of these well meaning folks. My beautiful, once kind gentle spirited Difficult Child now makes similar accusations about them.

    I guess what I am saying is that your dad can't understand until he experiences reality. There is always the possibility it could be beneficial to them. Maybe your Difficult Child will find worth in helping her grand.

    I had to set boundaries when others wanted to share their stories about my DCs behavior, as I had already lived them. I told them that it was their choice to try and I did love them for their intentions, but to leave me out of it. All I needed to know was if my Difficult Child was alive or moving forward as a result of their intervention. That was years ago now.

    I am concerned for the welfare of your DCs children. From what you describe, your Difficult Child lacks the ability to care for them. Is it possible to put the infant up for adoption? I cant imagine what this must be like for you.

    In healing, Blindsided

    I am holding you in my thoughts.