My son entered rehab yesterday

Maybe my son "hit rock bottom". Maybe he will find rock bottom has a basement.

I've been encouraging my son to enter a rehab in Florida for over a month. I found a place that I liked there that it mostly covered by insurance. He agreed to enter rehab yesterday and checked in yesterday. This is the first rehab he has been in. I found out he was using methamphetamines at least over the last two months. I know he has been doing more than marijuana for at least a year. He went downhill quickly. He reached out yesterday morning and we talked and I got him in. He has to go through the inpatient treatment where they monitor his detox first, which is what he's doing now.

I'm going to naranon meetings and working on myself.

The last 24 hours feel like a roller coaster ride. I feel shock at some of the things that he admitted to me, relief he agreed to get help, worry it won't last, anger for the lying, safety that he is getting medical help, sadness that this is our life, determined not to let 2023 kick my butt. It's a roller coaster. I'm lucky to keep busy. I do not think that he is going to walk away from the rehab facility because it is in a place where he has no one to help him. He's a good two hours away from anyone that he knows. He has no money. I think he knows if he walks away that I'm done. I explain to him yesterday that if he keeps using, that I can't be in his life because it's just going to bring me under with him. I still love him I just can't sacrifice my own life for his decisions. He agreed he needed help. I hope and pray he gains enough clarity to enter sober living, get a job and get his life back off of the streets.

I'm extremely hesitant to be optimistic because I know many people on this site have tried rehab multiple times and it doesn't work. I keep telling myself that, for the people that were successful with rehab, they aren't always back here telling their stories bc they've moved on, so we don't get to hear those stories as often.

I still had to try. I felt it was rehab, jail or death or even jail->court ordered rehab. I don't think he could medically detox on his own and definitely not on the street. He is still under insurance so that makes a huge difference. I didn't want to have any regrets by saying, "Damn, we should've gotten him help". I know I'm swinging for the bleachers but it's a new year and I'm tired of getting punched in the gut.

It is time to bring the doctor's into this crazy train ride. I've told my son that I cannot be his counselor. I have told my son that I am not qualified to treat his problems; that we need help from doctors.

I've read that rock-bottom isn't when you experience the worst moment of your life, bottom is when you change.

I got him there, now he has to do the work.
 

Newksm

Member
You did good!! Hopefully he will too.

I am in a similar situation. Trying to get my adopted granddaughter (age 22 and has a 2 year old and they both live with us for the past year. Unfortunately, out insurance and our granddaughter has dragged out the process of getting in to residential rehab. This Friday, the insurance company is supposed to do a phone assessment. Then maybe we will get some progress.

You are wise to set boundaries and work on yourself, too. I don't go to meetings as often as I should. It's hard caring for a 2 year old and doing the things I need to do for me, for my marriage, and my interests and spirituality. I know she has been using for 7 years. not all the time...but too often. Her boyfriend introduced her to meth. She said she tried it because her mom chose meth over her children...and she wanted to know I w why. boyfriend is now out of the picture...but the meth remains.

Stay strong.

Newksm
 
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New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi B,
This is great news that (1) your son will admit to having a problem and (2) agree to go to a rehab. I’m so glad for you and hope and pray that your son follows through with the program.
The last 24 hours feel like a roller coaster ride. I feel shock at some of the things that he admitted to me, relief he agreed to get help, worry it won't last, anger for the lying, safety that he is getting medical help, sadness that this is our life, determined not to let 2023 kick my butt. It's a roller coaster.
It is a roller coaster, that’s for sure. When my daughter first went into rehab, I was so intensely anxious. Make sure that you take good care of yourself B. It’s easy to get caught up in an outcome and tangled up inside with worry. Take one day at a time and do good things for you.
I do not think that he is going to walk away from the rehab facility because it is in a place where he has no one to help him. He's a good two hours away from anyone that he knows. He has no money. I think he knows if he walks away that I'm done. I explain to him yesterday that if he keeps using, that I can't be in his life because it's just going to bring me under with him.
These are all pluses, that he has no money, is away from friends who use and he knows you have set a boundary.
I still love him I just can't sacrifice my own life for his decisions. He agreed he needed help. I hope and pray he gains enough clarity to enter sober living, get a job and get his life back off of the streets.
I hope and pray with you B. I am so glad that you were able to reach out and he took this opportunity to get clean.
I'm extremely hesitant to be optimistic because I know many people on this site have tried rehab multiple times and it doesn't work. I keep telling myself that, for the people that were successful with rehab, they aren't always back here telling their stories bc they've moved on, so we don't get to hear those stories as often
There are a few folks that I can remember whose adult children recovered after rehab. They come back and post every so often. I think being cautiously optimistic while working on continuing to strengthen yourself is a good approach to take.
I still had to try. I felt it was rehab, jail or death or even jail->court ordered rehab. I don't think he could medically detox on his own and definitely not on the street. He is still under insurance so that makes a huge difference. I didn't want to have any regrets by saying, "Damn, we should've gotten him help". I know I'm swinging for the bleachers but it's a new year and I'm tired of getting punched in the gut.
Of course you had to try, this is your son. I am so glad that insurance will cover the cost, that is awesome.
I've told my son that I cannot be his counselor. I have told my son that I am not qualified to treat his problems; that we need help from doctors.
I’ve said the same to my daughters. I will help as much as I can if they go through rehab, but I am not qualified to counsel them.
I got him there, now he has to do the work.
Good job, B. He does have to do the work. But, so do you, for yourself. Make sure you take very good care of yourself. I’m so glad that your son has taken this step. Prayers going up that he finds his true light and potential.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf
 
Hi B,
This is great news that (1) your son will admit to having a problem and (2) agree to go to a rehab. I’m so glad for you and hope and pray that your son follows through with the program.

It is a roller coaster, that’s for sure. When my daughter first went into rehab, I was so intensely anxious. Make sure that you take good care of yourself B. It’s easy to get caught up in an outcome and tangled up inside with worry. Take one day at a time and do good things for you.

These are all pluses, that he has no money, is away from friends who use and he knows you have set a boundary.

I hope and pray with you B. I am so glad that you were able to reach out and he took this opportunity to get clean.

There are a few folks that I can remember whose adult children recovered after rehab. They come back and post every so often. I think being cautiously optimistic while working on continuing to strengthen yourself is a good approach to take.

Of course you had to try, this is your son. I am so glad that insurance will cover the cost, that is awesome.

I’ve said the same to my daughters. I will help as much as I can if they go through rehab, but I am not qualified to counsel them.

Good job, B. He does have to do the work. But, so do you, for yourself. Make sure you take very good care of yourself. I’m so glad that your son has taken this step. Prayers going up that he finds his true light and potential.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf
Leaf, you make my day every time you respond. Your optimism and reminders to take care of myself are such a great nudge and reality check. I feel better. I just keep reminding myself that he is in the absolute best place that he could be at this moment and, if there was ever a time to take a break from the worrying, it's now.

This is a shift in the pattern for me. I now know for certain that he was using something stronger than marijuana and that I have fallen for some lies and manipulation. I was second guessing everything before. I now have an internal boundary set that, if he walks away from the rehab, I'm done. I already vocalize to him that if he continues using, I can't be a part of his life because I can't handle it, it hurts me too badly. Being taken down by the drowning man.

This is the best possible case scenario for today. Now I am refocusing on 2023 and, even though I know that there are good times and bad times within every year, I'm focused in working hard on myself to stay healthy. It is comforting to know I can share my journey with this community and not be judged. Thank you ❤️
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I hope the counselors help him understand why he feels the need to used drugs, whether it’s depression, anxiety, boredom, etc. I hope he will also take advantage of the after care offered.
 
I hope the counselors help him understand why he feels the need to used drugs, whether it’s depression, anxiety, boredom, etc. I hope he will also take advantage of the after care offered.
Absolutely agree that there is so much work that needs to be done. He is in the detox phase right now, continuing with inpatient and the plan we talked about following this is sober living (with mental health counseling).

I had to send an Uber to take my son to the rehab facility that was two hours away. I could not trust my ex-husband to do it or his parents. Very long story short...the Uber wouldn't be arriving for 30 minutes and I said stay on the phone with me, let's FaceTime while you wait. We FaceTimed and talked about several traumatic events that he has gone through since college in 2017.

A few days ago, he started saying he wanted to get sober. I was rereading our messages that I had on messenger stretching back to 2020 when his longtime girlfriend finally had enough and broke up with him. I realize now that he had a mental health break when that happened. We thought it was just a bad break up but now I realize it is so much more. I think just the existence of social media makes break ups so much more difficult than anything I ever faced as a young adult. With the pandas piled on top of all of this, it was a disaster.

If it were just drugs that were the problem, it would be easier to fix. Drugs just cover up the self loathing, pain, dealing with problems. I also know that the drugs are causing or exasperating his mental health issues.

Thank you for the support, Crayola, every bit helps right now and it means the world to me. In the end, only he can do it for himself. 🙏🏼 🙏🏼 🙏🏼
 
Just an update on my son in rehab. He seems like he really likes the rehab facility. He is on medication for the first time in his life - proponalol I think is what it is. He was having high blood pressure before he went into treatment and when I looked at this medication it says that it treats anxiety and high blood pressure. It says that it gives almost immediate relief for anxiety and it sounds like he has a low-dose. He sounded steadier than he has in a long time. It is only day 7 of his stay.

The only bad thing that I noticed is that he's still saying some strange things that sometimes don't make sense - that is where I think he has mental issues. Maybe Borderline (BPD). I don't know. A dual diagnosis- mental health issues and drug abuse.

The challenge for me is when my husband asks about him. He is very negative about my son which I completely understand. It is just that I am going through some moments of hope right now. Yup, I know the stats on relapse. But why does my husband have to bring me down when he knows I'm struggling to stay strong. He wants to know what my son said when he calls and everything that I tell him he just shakes his head and makes a lot of negative comments about it. It's frustrating! I know that this is part of addiction recovery - people don't automatically forgive you for everything that's happened. I just wish things were different. It is much harder being in a blended family because I do believe that the step parent does not have the same connection to a step child as they do their own birth child. I could write a book about it.

But this frustration is all tied to worrying about what is going to happen when my son gets out of rehab. Where will he stay? Hopefully in a sober living environment. He needs to learn how to live again with rules and boundaries that I cannot provide for him. I want him to absolutely positively continue therapy. But worrying about tomorrow does nothing for me today because he has a long way to go in recovery. As do I.

Thank you for listening.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi B,
So glad to see that your son likes the rehab he is at and is on medication to help him.
The challenge for me is when my husband asks about him. He is very negative about my son which I completely understand. It is just that I am going through some moments of hope right now.
Of course you have moments of hope. This is your son. I’m sure your hubs is concerned for both of you and doesn’t want you to be let down if your son does not continue the course.
But why does my husband have to bring me down when he knows I'm struggling to stay strong. He wants to know what my son said when he calls and everything that I tell him he just shakes his head and makes a lot of negative comments about it.
Men. They communicate so differently from us. I’m sorry that he isn’t more positive, this may be his way of playing “devils advocate” and trying to protect himself, and you.
But this frustration is all tied to worrying about what is going to happen when my son gets out of rehab. Where will he stay? Hopefully in a sober living environment. He needs to learn how to live again with rules and boundaries that I cannot provide for him.
This is where the work still continues in training ourselves to live day to day and not be so focused on an outcome we have no control over. It’s hard to stop our “mothers brain” from over thinking the what ifs. From my experience, most rehabs have plans to take their clients through a series of steps towards recovery and sobriety. It is up to the individual to follow through with the process. Take one day at a time and work on continuing to building yourself up. Switch your focus back to what you can control- your own reactions. Frustration and worry are high stress on our bodies. Find healthy ways to distract yourself.
But worrying about tomorrow does nothing for me today because he has a long way to go in recovery. As do I.
You are so right here, Mama! We all have long ways towards recovery, but it is possible to get off that roller coaster and find balance. You got this. One day at a a time.
Hugs
Leaf
 
Thank you Leaf ❤️ This is just what I needed to hear to keep me balanced. I'm feeling grateful to have this little community of wisdom and support. ❤️ I'm just trusting God at this point and you are right - I have to trust the process!!!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
for the people that were successful with rehab, they aren't always back here telling their stories bc they've moved on
This is absolutely true. There have been at least a handful of adult children who have recovered. Their parents often don't want to belong to our club anymore. I miss them. There have also been some children who have relapsed. That is one reason that your recovery is so essential. We think that if our kids recover, they will be better, we will be better and our relationship will be too. That's not necessarily so. Nor is recovery necessarily sustained.

I wish you and your family the absolute best.

I have had a partner, not my son's father, involved with us for the years we have had this trouble. I know how hard it is.
 
This is absolutely true. There have been at least a handful of adult children who have recovered. Their parents often don't want to belong to our club anymore. I miss them. There have also been some children who have relapsed. That is one reason that your recovery is so essential. We think that if our kids recover, they will be better, we will be better and our relationship will be too. That's not necessarily so. Nor is recovery necessarily sustained.

I wish you and your family the absolute best.

I have had a partner, not my son's father, involved with us for the years we have had this trouble. I know how hard it is.
Yes, doing naranon family meetings, my husband came with me to one, which I think helped. Listening to audiobooks, reading articles, doing meditation daily, planning trips, trying to eat healthy, keeping up with my health and volunteering so I'm putting the work in on myself. Staying optimist, trying not to be catastrophic or to stew in what is going to happen when he gets out. I feel deeply that the homelessness is making any recovery impossible and it needs to be addressed but only he can want it. It became clear as day to me - I told him and kept repeating- you need to get sober, you need to get housing. I feel like when they are homeless, their entire day seems to revolve around, where I going to sleep tonight that progress becomes impossible and things never get better. It is sad how people take advantage of homeless people in this country. There have been a few times my son has done work for someone and the person hasn't paid them - who would he complain to?? He is homeless. The person knew this. I drove by the project a few days ago, it's still not done months later. I just shake my head.
Spoke with my son yesterday. He is on a low dose anxiety medication. The facility has great food and he is eating healthy and that is making a difference. I know just having a bed and food and safety is going to help his mind. He could never recover without this. He is working out, journaling, getting psychiatric care for the first time. I think it was this or death or jail. He is young - 25 - so I know the odds of a relapse are high. I have to trust the process and I know he is getting something out of this program. I'm looking back and analyzing my behavior but not dwelling and being kind to myself. Forgiving myself. Being bitter helps no one. I may have mentioned that we've told no one except myself, husband and daughter. No one needs to know and gossip. We want the support for our son of course, but we are taking a minute to process everything- let it sink in...we are not ashamed of rehab, we are relieved and anxious but not embarrassed. We just feel it is our son's private business and also part of the 12 steps is anonymity. I wanted to tell my relatives and friends and vent at first but now im glad I did not. The meetings are helping. Still listening to my song "This rainy day is temporary...the sun shining through is just a cloud away"....
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I told him and kept repeating- you need to get sober, you need to get housing.
I have done this too. About my need for my son to accept treatment (for a chronic and potentially fatal illness, as well as for mental illness, mainly delusions, that so trouble me.) My son listens respectfully. It does in one ear and out the other. He does not want what I want for him. He wants what he wants. The work here is my own to do. Accepting that what I want for him, is my problem, not his. Accepting who he is, what he does, and how he lives, is also my problem. These things are his rights.
There have been a few times my son has done work for someone and the person hasn't paid them - who would he complain to??
Yes. My son has suffered so many indignities and so much abuse. I find it unbearable.
The facility has great food and he is eating healthy and that is making a difference. I know just having a bed and food and safety is going to help his mind. He could never recover without this. He is working out, journaling, getting psychiatric care for the first time.
This is fantastic. Yet I read this and I feel torn. Are you reading helpless' thread? And RN's threads (and my own) of 4 or 5 years back. Yes. Recovery can take. And we mothers feel this is heaven-sent, when we see our children living with self-care and dignity and well-being. And it can continue. Yet at the same time our children can tire of this and return to the pattern and condition of their underbelly lives. And what happens, unless we work very, very hard (as you are now doing) to make ourselves and our lives our center, is that we crash with them, when they return to prior behaviors. It is very important to make this distinction, that their actions and well-being DO NOT CONDITION OUR OWN.
I think it was this or death or jail.
Well. My son has many things in common with your son in how they live. As far as I know, he has not been arrested, and so far has not died. We are in one of the areas of CA where there have been relentless atmospheric river storms, back-to-back, flooding, and mandatory evacuations. My son is homeless. I don't know where. We've searched for him and cannot find him.

What I am trying to say here is that they have the resources to survive. Yes, their numbers may come up. But mostly they don't. That life-or-death narrative comes from us. It is not helpful. It creates all sorts of havoc both internally for us, and how we become desperate, out of control and take on behaviors and roles and attitudes that are un-helpful for our children and families. I know this. I live it.
 
I have done this too. About my need for my son to accept treatment (for a chronic and potentially fatal illness, as well as for mental illness, mainly delusions, that so trouble me.) My son listens respectfully. It does in one ear and out the other. He does not want what I want for him. He wants what he wants. The work here is my own to do. Accepting that what I want for him, is my problem, not his. Accepting who he is, what he does, and how he lives, is also my problem. These things are his rights.

Yes. My son has suffered so many indignities and so much abuse. I find it unbearable.

This is fantastic. Yet I read this and I feel torn. Are you reading helpless' thread? And RN's threads (and my own) of 4 or 5 years back. Yes. Recovery can take. And we mothers feel this is heaven-sent, when we see our children living with self-care and dignity and well-being. And it can continue. Yet at the same time our children can tire of this and return to the pattern and condition of their underbelly lives. And what happens, unless we work very, very hard (as you are now doing) to make ourselves and our lives our center, is that we crash with them, when they return to prior behaviors. It is very important to make this distinction, that their actions and well-being DO NOT CONDITION OUR OWN.

Well. My son has many things in common with your son in how they live. As far as I know, he has not been arrested, and so far has not died. We are in one of the areas of CA where there have been relentless atmospheric river storms, back-to-back, flooding, and mandatory evacuations. My son is homeless. I don't know where. We've searched for him and cannot find him.

What I am trying to say here is that they have the resources to survive. Yes, their numbers may come up. But mostly they don't. That life-or-death narrative comes from us. It is not helpful. It creates all sorts of havoc both internally for us, and how we become desperate, out of control and take on behaviors and roles and attitudes that are un-helpful for our children and families. I know this. I live

It is easy to be torn between detaching and hope when they enter rehab for the first time. It's been a bit of a tango. Doing tons of self work. Journaling, reading, meditation, spending quality time with my husband and friends, getting organized. I understand your warnings come from a place of care. I know the statistics for rehab.

I attended another nar-anon meeting tonight. It helps. I shared Sunday and at tonight's meeting. My husband and daughter also attend. I can only do so much and the rest is up to him. I can't defend myself for having hope. His Dad went through rehab when my son was 2 (I had already walked away from that marriage) and had great success with it for at least 15-20 years. He worked the steps. But he was older than my son and I know maturity is another strike my son has against him.

Even though I was complaining about my husband's pessimism over the weekend, I would not have made it through all of this without him. He doesn't get along with my son and for years I felt as though I was being pulled between them. I did some work on myself and realized it was actually my son who was in the middle of me and my husband and it saved our marriage and brought us closer together.

The good news is my son asked to go into treatment himself - there was no "intervention" or "ultimatums" and he insists he wants to get better. But he is weak. So you are right, he will probably fail. And I will get hurt by this but then I will pick up the pieces and move on with life - as I have after every crisis I have faced in life - and find happiness in the many other facets of life.

I still believe he can't move forward with rehab, mental health help and housing. Just for today, he is getting those things.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
So you are right, he will probably fail.
I am not saying this at all. Or I certainly didn't mean to infer this.

I am not speaking about your child. I am speaking to parents of any similarly afflicted adult child who may read here.

I said this:
our children can tire of this. (abstinence and recovery)
What I meant to say were two things:

Their going to treatment is not usually life and death. We just feel that way. And those feelings, if present, make an intolerable problem feel even worse.

We cannot have our lives depend upon their success. Because if we do, we rise and fall with them. In fact, it is even worse for us. Because when we rise and fall, it is as the effect of their behavior. We become the dependent variable in our own lives. We become powerless. We must have a power base apart from them.

I realize with all the work you are doing, you know this. I write for others who read here some who may not post. But the thing is I write .most of all for myself. Because I struggle with these things.
 

startingfresh

Active Member
Hello brokeninside,
I really hope rehab works for your son and he sees that he can have a life other than the one he was living. I feel we are on a similar path with our sons. Mine is 23 and entered detox and a residential program for alcohol abuse for the 2nd time Dec 1. He is now in sober living and PHP. Although, the fact that he is back in treatment again could make me think the first go was a failure, I force myself to view it differently. He made great progress 2 years ago and completed 12 weeks of rehab. But it is slow journey forward with lots of backward steps. He has learned what to do differently, what worked, and that options were dwindling with each bad decision. I try to view it also as Copa said, " not usually life and death" but a piece of the ongoing struggle. We are working hard this time around to not only support him where he is today but to help him have a plan for what next. That is what tripped him up before. Its an incredibly hard balance between him being in the moment in treatment but also looking forward to put concrete plans in place.

I am sending prayers and positive thoughts for you and your son.🙏
 

Estherfromjerusalem

Well-Known Member
Dear Brokeninside,

Copa is right -- some of us whose children detoxed in rehab have moved on. But I do actually come here almost every day and see what's going on. I just don't feel the same need to write any more. Let me just tell you: Hang in there. My son was in Australia for 9 years and we had no clue that he was addicted at all. When he reached rock bottom (a failed suicide attempt, overdose), he phoned us and asked for help -- he was 31 at the time. He knew of a rehab place here in Israel and we managed to bring him home and get him in there. I won't bore anyone with the details, but the bottom line is that this week we are celebrating four clean years. Yes! Four years. It hasn't been easy. After six months in rehab he came to live with us and here in Israel apartments are not large, but somehow we managed, he found work on a building site and he kept that job, and just three weeks ago he actually moved out to a teeny apartment that he's renting.

So I just want to wish you strength to get through this difficult time.

Love, Esther
 
Hello brokeninside,
I really hope rehab works for your son and he sees that he can have a life other than the one he was living. I feel we are on a similar path with our sons. Mine is 23 and entered detox and a residential program for alcohol abuse for the 2nd time Dec 1. He is now in sober living and PHP. Although, the fact that he is back in treatment again could make me think the first go was a failure, I force myself to view it differently. He made great progress 2 years ago and completed 12 weeks of rehab. But it is slow journey forward with lots of backward steps. He has learned what to do differently, what worked, and that options were dwindling with each bad decision. I try to view it also as Copa said, " not usually life and death" but a piece of the ongoing struggle. We are working hard this time around to not only support him where he is today but to help him have a plan for what next. That is what tripped him up before. Its an incredibly hard balance between him being in the moment in treatment but also looking forward to put concrete plans in place.

I am sending prayers and positive thoughts for you and your son.🙏
Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I will say a prayer for your son. I keep going back to your sentence of having a plan in place for after treatment. I'm learning SO much on this journey. It has been an exhausting 19 days. I feel myself growing in this journey as well. But it is exhausting. Thank you for the positive thoughts and prayers - I really needed this today. ❤️
 
Dear Brokeninside,

Copa is right -- some of us whose children detoxed in rehab have moved on. But I do actually come here almost every day and see what's going on. I just don't feel the same need to write any more. Let me just tell you: Hang in there. My son was in Australia for 9 years and we had no clue that he was addicted at all. When he reached rock bottom (a failed suicide attempt, overdose), he phoned us and asked for help -- he was 31 at the time. He knew of a rehab place here in Israel and we managed to bring him home and get him in there. I won't bore anyone with the details, but the bottom line is that this week we are celebrating four clean years. Yes! Four years. It hasn't been easy. After six months in rehab he came to live with us and here in Israel apartments are not large, but somehow we managed, he found work on a building site and he kept that job, and just three weeks ago he actually moved out to a teeny apartment that he's renting.

So I just want to wish you strength to get through this difficult time.

Love, Esther
Esther, Thank you so much. It is so important to hear the success stories. They give me hope. The journey is never easy for the moms and I celebrate the every day victories. Thank you for lending me some of your strength- I really needed it today ❤️
 
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