My son is home and some other thoughts

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So he has been home for a week. He got out early on parole! Things are actually going pretty well. Right now he is sober because he is on parole and does not want to take any chances (they drug test him). He is only on parole until dec 19 so we shall see how things are after that. He was cagey for a bit about who he was seeing which made me nervous. I finally talked to him about it and he is seeing his old girlfriend. He didn't want to tell me because he knew I would not like it. But I am keeping my mouth shut and I have now seen her and it is fine between her and I. In some ways she is a positive influence I think but if things get bad again between them then it will not be good.

    I am in a very different place. He has not lived at home since he was 18 and he is now 25. He really is an adult and I have no responsibility for him. So I am in no way trying to control what he does. Clearly if he steals from us, gets really disrespectful to does anything illegal in our home he is out. He knows that. We are letting him use the car but I have said if there is any hint of drug or alcohol use while driving then no more and no second chances.

    But it is actually nice right now having him home. And I feel my role is different than in the past. At this point we are just there to give him support and some stability as he tries to get on his feet. He is looking for a job and is going out now for his 3rd interview.

    At this point i want no part in policing him. Clearly he needs to be respectful, and treat us well which at least so far he is doing.
     
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL

    I am sure it is nice to have him home. I hope to someday have my son home too. Maybe now that he is older and (hopefully) wiser he will appreciate you and his father more and respect your home and your wishes. Good that he is actively seeking employment too!

    Good luck and I really hope that this is a new beginning for all of you.
    :thanksgiving10:
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a different take.

    I think its hard for two adults, especially parents and kids to live together without the roles kicking in. I would not want to live with even my nicest grown kids. I feel better having them on their own and just checking in as adults wjo are now both grown up and friends.

    I don't feel they ever get that launch to adulthood while living at home, in our house, while we support them and they get used to being a child again. Of course eventually a normal adult kids launched again, if he must come home, and goes back on his/her own. An adult with trouble launching may never voluntarily leave except to homelessness. They literally will refuse to meet their own needs and continue to call us for help.. Even if we tell them where to find food and shelter for free, they wont. Ive read it for fofteen years. They are helpless as long as they think we may swope in for a rescue.

    My personal opinion, which does not work for all, is that they should get a plan to move out as soon as possible. I've been on the board a long time and can't remember even one who launched from home. I feel it is detrimental.

    I think a short time with us is fine and hope everyone can enjoy their adult child with them for a few months...and that they then enjoy watching them on their own with a job and their own place. Hugs to all!

    Toughlovin, enjoy these good times :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2016
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh I agree!!

    Home for a short time is what I meant and to be okay with having them home with that short time by them showing respect - and only there if they are working toward independence!
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I agree he should move out as soon as he can and I think he wants that too.... He doesn't feel good about telling some girl he meets he is living with his parents. LOL.

    However in his case tough love did not really work. I think the things we have done were necessary at the time. We had a younger child at home.... but being on his own when he wasn't really prepared or ready for it and being homeless did not get him to the place of really being on his own two feet either. And I think the disconnection between us didn't help.

    I am coming to believe that finding ways to connect with our young adults, even those with substance abuse is really important. Although I can also say that when he was younger I have no idea how we could have done that.

    But now I think what he needs is connection from us, a feeling of love and support from us if he is ever to launch. I don't think he will be able to launch without that or at least he hasn't so far.

    It is certainly a balance and i really hope he finds a job soon and can keep moving forward. But I think having some stability at home right now is a good thing. This is a kid who has bounced around and been homeless and on his own and the fact that he is reconnecting with his family is a good thing I think.
     
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  6. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I think reconnecting with his family is a good thing too. I watched a show by Dr Drew last night about addiction called Listen and addicts didn't start using drugs alone and they can't stop alone either. They need support, non judgmental loving support. Not enabling. I also read an article that parents and family members are being taught tough love and taking it so far that they're not helping their addicted loved ones to get the help they need. Your giving a hand up not a hand out. I think it's good for your son to be with his family, feeling how much you love him and how different things can be if he's clean and sober. That's motivation!
     
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  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I disagree , I don't believe a timeline for everyone is the same. We expect our son to be with us perhaps a couple years...at this point it would be ok. He is just getting on his feet, what's sad is lost his older teen years...but even though he works full time, and soon will have juvenile probation..he still needs a license...due to the state thinking he's sick...and a car.

    He would like to eventually return to school for a career..but our home is all we can offer at this point. Rehab was expensive....money for s school is just that.

    So I don't think a timeline the same for everyone is exact...yes...he'd love to be on his own ..but we are still living one day at a time.

    He obeys rules..does for himself. He acts as part of our family unit.

    Just another situation...
     
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Its true I think there is no one timeline and no one answer for everyone. It sure would be nice if there was a manual for this stuff. So we all have to find the right path for us. I used to think I would never let or want my kids living at home as adults.... I definitely didn't think much of the kids I knew who lived at home long after I was out on my own. Yet now I know parents whose kids live at home...some whose kids have substance abuse problems and are not launching and others who live at home for a variety of reasons. I think the reality with cost of living now it is hard in some parts of the country for kids to move out and afford living expenses.

    My son has been out on his own and has survived being homeless... he has been through a lot (his own doing of course).

    Now that my daughter is not living at home it is time for him to come home to his family.... and we will see how it goes.
     
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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Interesting news TL. My daughter moved back home last January. She is 25 also. She was respectful and it was good to have her home, but it was also good when she got a place of her own. I did not want to have to worry about what time she was coming home or what she was doing. Our relationship is much better with her on her own.

    I hope he follows the rules of his probation and that he gets a job and moves forward. Hoping for the best for you and your son TL.
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    TL. You sound strong, sure and clear. Son sounds like he has matured somewhat. What nice presents being exchanged in your family this right now.
     
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well things are not going as well now. He got depressed and we know he has been drinking. He has a 2nd job interview today and I will be out when he needs to leave and i am so tempted to call and make sure he is up and ready but have decided I need to let things fall where they may.He is either going to pull it together or he is not. It is not up to me. But it is really hard to watch. I am trying to live and enjoy my own life and not get too caught up in what he is doing.
     
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    It's so hard TL!
     
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well he did go to the interview and it sounds like it went well. I am glad I kept my mouth shut!
     
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Silence really is golden.
     
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yeah....if I said something it shows my lack of faith. This way he never has to know I worried he would blow it off.
     
  16. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hoping for the best TL! It's risky bringing our D.C.'s home. Our son has asked to come home and we continue to encourage him to be independent until he goes into the military this January. Our fear is that if he comes home and slips up then it's up to us to kick him out again and that is just too painful to ever do again.
     
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Boy I know how hard it is to stay out of it. Glad he got up and went on his interview. My daughter drinks far far too much. There are times when I am with her that I smell alcohol on her and it may be Saturday morning. There's nothing I can do about it. The good thing is that she is not living with me. I worry about her all the time but it's easier when she isn't under my nose. So far she has been able to keep her job. Who knows how long that will last. I keep reminding myself that I can;t stop her I can only support her when shes doing the right thing.

    I hope your son gets the job and that his drinking doesn't interfere.
     
  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I had to learn the hard way that calls to make sure they get up is just reinforcing the idea that they can't be responsible for themselves. I'm glad that you were able to resist. I know that it is hard to do.

    When I started to view my daughter as being responsible for herself she started taking care of herself.

    I'm sorry to hear about the drinking, though. That is not a good sign.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well he got the job!! And had his first shift starting at 4am. Last night as I was going to bed I wondered if I woke up to go to the bathroom if I should check if he is up? I decided that was not treating him like an adult. It was moot because I didn't wake until 420 and by then he was gone! So he made it to work and it went well! Whew
     
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  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good news TL! Hope he keeps it up.