My son is in jail. Again. To visit or not to visit, that is the question...

[islandtime1111]

Looking back at my original post and all of the wise responses. Only 7 months has passed and so much has happened. My son's 3 yr sentence turned into 1 year and then, bam, after only 6 months he was released early due to Prop 47 passing in CA. Not on probation or parole, no direction, so he came back home to stay until he could find a job. The first 2 weeks were pretty wonderful; he was different, he was taking care of business, he was doing everything right. He interviewed for a job at Home Depot (they hire felons) and got it! Life was good... He never did go back to Home Depot to finish up the paperwork which included a drug test. Game on, his old behaviors were back, I could see that he was high again. Almost like he couldn't handle all that was happening, the responsibility. The original plan for when he was released was to move into a halfway house, so that's what happened next, moved him into a very good home in the next town. I wrote the check out partially for my own serenity. I can't live with the chaos. Apparently after the fist week, he used and was asked to leave. I have no idea where he's staying now. Wow, what a roller coaster. He must like his lifestyle because he had every opportunity to succeed, once again and he chose another route. I'm tired of trying to figure it out, because I never will. It's his life and I want him to be happy, what ever that looks like for him. I need to live my own life and learn how to distract my mind when it goes to crazy places worrying about my son. I learn a lot on this site. There is a lot of wisdom here!

Hi Carri,
It seems that we are in the same spot...except my son is about 8 years younger. He just got arrested again the other day, and I found this site because I asked google the same question that you posted, "My son is in jail. Again. To visit or not to visit..?" This post that you wrote sums up my son to a T!
When do we let go? How do we let go? There is no easy answer, and there is no worse feeling! Thank you for sharing your experience. It actually helped me a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Carri]

Hi javanut,

Gees, that post was from early January. Here over 4 months has gone by and my son is still out there, worse than ever. I wish I could say he turned his life around, but I can't. He's been arrested 3 more times for possession and under the influence (from what I see on line) and completely dropped out of my life. He says he's too embarrassed to see family. I'm actually glad to know he's getting arrested and facing consequences. Maybe, just maybe he'll hit a new bottom. I still struggle with acceptance and letting go. I mean, come on, this is my kid. I'm glad my share meant something to you. I only hope your son, being younger, will be able to seek long term recovery. In the meantime this is a great place to come to and know that you're not alone. [emoji5]️

 

[islandtime1111]

Hi javanut,

Gees, that post was from early January. Here over 4 months has gone by and my son is still out there, worse than ever. I wish I could say he turned his life around, but I can't. He's been arrested 3 more times for possession and under the influence (from what I see on line) and completely dropped out of my life. He says he's too embarrassed to see family. I'm actually glad to know he's getting arrested and facing consequences. Maybe, just maybe he'll hit a new bottom. I still struggle with acceptance and letting go. I mean, come on, this is my kid. I'm glad my share meant something to you. I only hope your son, being younger, will be able to seek long term recovery. In the meantime this is a great place to come to and know that you're not alone. [emoji5]️

So...on this site, which forum is the best for finding support and information on this particular type of situation. My son has always struggled with being 'troubled' from the time he was little. I never liked using the term difficult child...but that really is a good description. I even wrote out a time line of incidents from birth to age 19 for a few of the Psychologists to look at. I love him like no tomorrow, and I would do anything for him...but I need to take a step back and let this take it's course. Can people get drug counseling while in jail or prison? If so, does it ever work? Thank you Carri for responding to my post! I feel good that I found this site. I'm not much of a group type person, so I haven't visited Al-Anon yet. I'm going to read more forums!

 

[Carri]

I think Parent emeritus is best if you're looking for support for adult "kids". One book that really helped me was "Stay Close" by Libby Cataldi. Taught me a lot about loving my son but not enabling. http://libbycataldi.com/blog/ You may want to check it out. [emoji6]

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Kalet, so sorry for your need to be here on CD and all you have gone through with your son. Weekends can be slow around here, and you have posted to an old thread. You would probably find more response if you posted your own thread.
Taking a break and finding breathing and healing time for you is a step in the right direction. You have value and worth, you matter.
Love and prayers to you dear.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Blue eyes]

You have to do what you feel like it. I have no idea what I'd do...especially the fourth or fifth time. I don't think I'd give him money or anything like that. I don't know that I'd rush. What did he do?

He is sadly becoming a regular in jail and I hope that, if it's drug, he gets help this time and decides to change his life. I do not think that your showing up or not showing up will make any difference in how his life's travels will evolve. This is one walk he has to take himself and alone, as he nears his thirtieth birthday. As long as you continue to realize that you didn't cause him to do illegal things, and that you can't change him...and if you can detach and not be overly emotional when you see him...I think you should do what you want to do. If you think you will fall apart or have to listen to him blame you (verbal abuse), demand money from you, etc...I'd give it a while. in my opinion, I would not do ANYTHING that will harm your mental or physical health. That doesn't help anyone.YOU MATTER AS MUCH AS YOUR SON DOES>

Of course, these are only my own thoughts and, to be honest, none of my kids never did end up in jail, although one was one parole twice.

Sending hugs and empathy for your hurting mommy heart.

Thank you for your opinion I’ve just found out my son who is 26 is in prison he got in contact last night using someone’s phone I asked are u allowed to use a phone he said no I said omg u will get in so much trouble you got to behave he went off the rails from about 14 he started stealing from my purse from people we knew if we asked him to loook after his younger brother so we could go away when he was 18 he just would let a load of his friends in when I came home I insisted they all left he turned around and said if they have to leave then so do I and he walked out over the years I’ve tried to help him helped him with rent deposits for shared houses but he’s never managed to keep a job loses where he lives and expects he’s friends to put him up he lies all the time and now he’s in prison I heard it was only for 6 months but he told me it’s now 4 years he blamed me for how he is said I never loved him or want him which is so in true he is my middle child and my first boy and I adored him I love him but don’t like the person he is he asked me to pay someone 2000 that he owes to someone or they will kill him when he gets out and then asks can he live with me when he gets out he will be 30 tbh I don’t want to visit him he’s choices in life has put him there never took my advice only ever wanted money from me im so sad he has totally ruined his little life but also I would want anyone inside to know my face in case he gets in trouble in there and they come after me or his brother or sister

 

[Copabanana]

he asked me to pay someone 2000 that he owes to someone or they will kill him when he gets out

This may be partly true. One thing that happens in prison is extortion for debts. He may have accrued a debt to somebody who is now threatening him for money. They know he does not have money, but the intention is to scare you into paying. To pay would be the exact wrong thing to do. If it's true he needs to begin to learn how to live in prison, which is to take responsibility. The authorities there are unlikely to allow that harm to come to him. They will put him into protective custody. If you do write back to him, tell him to advise his correctional counselor of the debt and to ask for protective custody. That is what I would do.

im so sad he has totally ruined his little life

His life is not ruined. He has made poor choices, but he's still alive and he can choose to live better than he has been. I used to pray my son would go to prison because I knew he would be forced to take responsibility for himself and what he chose. Prisoners live by a code of ethics. Primary is self-responsibility and honor, living like a man. Any day your son can decide to change, if he wants, and have a good life.

Blue eyes this is a very old thread. I suggest that you start a new thread which is just for you. That way people will get to know you and your circumstances.