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Substance Abuse
My son relapsed
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 762549" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear RN</p><p>I feel sad for you and your husband and for your son. I feel especially sad your son sabotaged his success when things were coming together for him. He deserved the cheers at the finish line. He worked so hard. I am so so sorry, RN.</p><p></p><p>We all know that relapse is part of the process but we had all of us pinned our hopes that your son would beat the odds. and that you would not have to suffer this. He has done so well with your loving support. There is no reason to think he won't get back on track.</p><p></p><p>On another note, I had no idea that your move back to Chicago was so far along. It must be very, very difficult to have to deal with both of these things at the same time, the loss of Alabama and a new beginning in Chicago, and a parallel set of losses and new beginnings involving your son.</p><p></p><p>I think what you describe is the very hardest thing, the gut punch that comes from recognizing that we can't help them or that our support of them does not do the trick. In my own life, I feel a great deal of despair when I have to look squarely at the reality of my life when it is not tempered by fantasy and hope. In moments I can find it devastating. It's still the hope in magic, that my love has got to be able to help my son, and facing the reality that it hasn't and never will--there is something deep inside of me that feels that I can't bear that and won't survive. I will and I do. And you will and you do. Our sons can create their own hope.</p><p></p><p>That is what you are allowing your son to do, by stepping back. It's also the reality that he needs to face himself. He is abusing drugs and abusing himself, by hobbling himself at the finishing line of his schooling. I feel so, so badly about that. But it has to be faced.</p><p></p><p>I am remembering parents over the years that have come to the forum, whose adult children were in college and abusing drugs or alcohol and they would write that they couldn't stop paying for college, because it was the most important thing. We would try and tell them that they were allowing their child's life to be in danger, putting college over and above, the addiction. Or, at least I remember writing that, in a kinder and more indirect way.</p><p></p><p>This is what you are NOT doing. You are underlining and underscoring what happened, and putting it front and center for your son to deal with. You're saying NO forcibly and directly in the only way that a parent can in this situation. By setting clear and appropriate boundaries.</p><p></p><p>This is a gift to your son and a necessity for you as his parents. I know doing the right thing sometimes feels like cutting one's heart out. Oh, how I know.</p><p></p><p>But I know with all of my heart that by this you are loving your son in the most powerful way possible. Any other response by you would not have been love. I am so sorry this is so difficult, RN. It is for me, too.</p><p></p><p>Love, Copa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 762549, member: 18958"] Dear RN I feel sad for you and your husband and for your son. I feel especially sad your son sabotaged his success when things were coming together for him. He deserved the cheers at the finish line. He worked so hard. I am so so sorry, RN. We all know that relapse is part of the process but we had all of us pinned our hopes that your son would beat the odds. and that you would not have to suffer this. He has done so well with your loving support. There is no reason to think he won't get back on track. On another note, I had no idea that your move back to Chicago was so far along. It must be very, very difficult to have to deal with both of these things at the same time, the loss of Alabama and a new beginning in Chicago, and a parallel set of losses and new beginnings involving your son. I think what you describe is the very hardest thing, the gut punch that comes from recognizing that we can't help them or that our support of them does not do the trick. In my own life, I feel a great deal of despair when I have to look squarely at the reality of my life when it is not tempered by fantasy and hope. In moments I can find it devastating. It's still the hope in magic, that my love has got to be able to help my son, and facing the reality that it hasn't and never will--there is something deep inside of me that feels that I can't bear that and won't survive. I will and I do. And you will and you do. Our sons can create their own hope. That is what you are allowing your son to do, by stepping back. It's also the reality that he needs to face himself. He is abusing drugs and abusing himself, by hobbling himself at the finishing line of his schooling. I feel so, so badly about that. But it has to be faced. I am remembering parents over the years that have come to the forum, whose adult children were in college and abusing drugs or alcohol and they would write that they couldn't stop paying for college, because it was the most important thing. We would try and tell them that they were allowing their child's life to be in danger, putting college over and above, the addiction. Or, at least I remember writing that, in a kinder and more indirect way. This is what you are NOT doing. You are underlining and underscoring what happened, and putting it front and center for your son to deal with. You're saying NO forcibly and directly in the only way that a parent can in this situation. By setting clear and appropriate boundaries. This is a gift to your son and a necessity for you as his parents. I know doing the right thing sometimes feels like cutting one's heart out. Oh, how I know. But I know with all of my heart that by this you are loving your son in the most powerful way possible. Any other response by you would not have been love. I am so sorry this is so difficult, RN. It is for me, too. Love, Copa [/QUOTE]
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