My stress and anxiety are thru the roof.

ksm

Well-Known Member
I haven't posted for a while, not because things were great, but because I tried to stay in my lane. But the paths are merging and I can tell it is not going to go well. Today is the last day that DGD, her baby and boyfriend will have a place to live. When they got the notice of eviction ehe was ready to leave him and get a fresh start. We were all for her moving back home with the just turned 1 year old baby. But now, she isn't ready to give up on the relationship.

He will not be allowed to live here, and I don't even know if he has any options beside being homeless. He has burned too many bridges. As of now, neither has a job. DGD has worked most of the last year and a half. He hadnt worked but 5 weeks... and that was over a year ago!

We were suppose to help move things to our storage shed, get the baby bed, etc today. Her phone "stopped working" yesterday. In the past that meant boyfriend had broken it. It is 1:30 now. They are to be at BFs dads wedding rehearsal at 6. Told me yesterday that they were both subpoenaed to be at court at 3pm for a case involving two guys breaking in into their apartment and assaulting a female friend. I am to take grandson to the rehearsal tonight as he is the ring bearer. I know he can't practice at his age, but the flower girls need to practice pulling him in the wagon.

If the landlord locks them out of their apartment, they may not get to remove the baby's bed, clothes, washer and dryer, etc.

I am afraid that boyfriend will be living in her car, parked in front of our house. I know husband and I won't want to leave home if DGD is here...as she will probably let him in. I don't trust him.

Just trying to breathe and detach. It would be so much easier if a grandson was not involved..

Ksm
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
Oh boy. Yes it sure seems like the train is on the tracks and coming toward you. So typical, poor decisions and lack of action on their part runs us over. I hope you were able to get the things out of the apartment for her. One day at time....

Do you have cameras for the house? If not maybe that would help, help to keep you from being prisoners in your home trying to protect it.

I hope you find a way to relieve your stress. Preaching to the choir here, it doesn't make one bit of difference for the outcome no matter how stressed we get. It doesn't change one little thing, other than our emotional stability.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Good grief. I'm sorry to hear this. You don't need to be in the middle of it that's for sure!
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
DGD and boyfriend did not move out on the last day of April. They were still removing items yesterday. The place is trashed. Lots of damaged. They are just leaving what they don't want to move in the house. It is sickening.

We have had the baby (now 13 months old) since Friday afternoon. I volunteered for Friday and Saturday night because of BFs dad was getting married and they had to be at the rehearsal and wedding extended hours. Plus the bride had asked me to help make sure baby was was there and in his wedding clothes for pictures and wedding. He was the ring bearer.

Their was drama at the wedding...I believe boyfriend got drunk at the open bar. He had been calling DGD f-n stupid b... etc, then took his plate of food outside to her car and smeared the food inside and outside the car. When husband heard, he was ready to go find him and confront him. So did BFs older brother. I talked them out of it so not to ruin the wedding. I don't think others were aware of what had happened.

We left the wedding early and took Grand baby home. He was worn out. About 11pm, we heard a knock on our door, and DGD wanted to spend the night as boyfriend was still being a jerk. She said she was driving home from wedding and got so fed up that she pulled over a block from his moms house and then walked the 5 blocks to our house. I told her I would drive her to get her car.

boyfriend was in our yard and was trying to talk to DGD. After a few minutes, she had me drive away. She got her car, said she was going to drive to their apartment and grab a few things and then come back. She never returned.

On Sunday about 4pm, husband drove over to talk to her (her phone stopped working...and he had lost his after the rehearsal. He told her we would bring Alex over around 5 pm as we had plans at 5:30. We get there with baby and they weren't there. Went back at 9 and they were. I didn't really want to take grandson back.

Monday about 9am she called using her tablet and FB messenger and boyfriend was breaking out the window of the screen door. I drive back and get baby. Once again, she is ready to get away from boyfriend, but she doesn't. husband helped get more items out of the place in the afternoon. He said they were all lovey dovey.

boyfriend was planning to move in to his moms garage, but then DGD said his aunt offered him to stay with her...she lives in a room at a motel. DGD never came back home last night. I am so sick of this! She knew I had lots of things to get done.

At 2 pm I have people coming here to have a memorial gathering for our neighbor who passed away. At 4 I need to be at the church to help prepare a meal for a college choir that is giving a free outdoor concert at our church.

DGS is a sweet but active little one. I did not plan on being the caregiver 24/7. This was to give DGD a second chance, to get out of abusive relationship, get back on her feet, and start a new life for her and her child. It isnt headed that direction.

Ksm
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry.

My experience in our case us that....these types of adult kids usually don't take us up on second, third or fourth chances. I hope yours is different.

Prayers
 

skittles

Active Member
Dear KSM, I understand that need to be there especially with a little one but you are well down the road to being the childs caregiver, if thats not what you want you should draw those lines now or call CPS, if you do want that you should call anyway to get supports and financial help in place for you. I have taken “temporary” custody of 2 grands til mom (my sons exgirlfriend) gets housing. It has now been nearly 6 months and shes made no real effort. There are 5 children all togeather, my son has 3, i have 2. My husband is not well and our case was never supposed to be permanent. I finally had to inform the courts I can do this til end of school year (the kids are in online school) but as of July they need to go to my son. If I dont do this I can see now I will be raising two children permanently. My sons household is not the best solution either as his girlfriend also has 3 children so that will be eight in one house. Childrens aid is concerned about it but I have my husbands health and our age to consider. This has been a hard road but the last several months have made it clear to me we are not up to this. You may find yourself gradually taking on more and more responsibility, it would be good to recognize it and draw those line now, good luck
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
“Dear KSM, I understand that need to be there especially with a little one but you are well down the road to being the childs caregiver, if thats not what you want you should draw those lines now or call CPS, if you do want that you should call anyway to get supports and financial help in place for you.”

This was said above and were my thoughts as well.
Also, set additional boundaries with everything with these cast of characters.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Another thought.

My daughter gave up her son to her sister. Amy is young.

My husband and I are too old to raise a young one to age 18. If you are older, maybe look for young family that can do the long haul. We never wanted Jaden to end up in foster care.

Love to you.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear ksm

I am so sorry you are going through this. When grandchildren are involved it becomes so terribly hard.

From my memory, this was what you feared all along. Not so much that you would be sucked in as a major caregiver, but that too. But more your daughter's connection to this bum, this abusive and good for nothing young man, who fathered other children leaving chaos in his wake.

This seems like a lifestyle. Back-forth. In-out. Up-down. Fighting-Making up all sweet, forgetting, and forgiving all that is past. Indifferent to the insecurity of the baby. Indifferent to the worry and burden to the mature, adult, and normal people (you, your husband, etc) who try to hold this rickety boat together on these choppy seas.

Really, it is so much like my own situation with my son, except without the baby. But the baby is everything.

I fear this will not change. What is the lightning bolt that will strike your daughter, different from all of the ones that have come before?

Oh, of course, one day something will happen that will be too much. But how far down the road will that be?

I agree with the others. Sooner or later you have some hard choices to make. Do you hang in the way it is, despite how hard it is to bear? Is there enough constancy and normality for the baby, with your help, that you believe the baby will thrive? Are you willing at your age to play this role accepting it will not change and you have no control; knowing it will go on and on? Do you want to be the main event, the Mom, again, to take over when others fail their children?

I believe my own grandparents did this. Maybe it was a little less chaotic but my own parents were similar. My grandmother came to our house five days a week. She did everything a mother does. And more. She created an emotional haven. I owe my life to her. But this was almost 70 years ago. My sister and I were my grandmother's life. Your life is fuller and puts more demands on you.

There are many extended families that raise babies collectively. Sometimes, non-blood related "aunties" will take over the responsibility to raise a child, themselves or sharing responsibility. It sounds actually that this has already happened in your family. Is your son willing to help?

I know others have spoken about adoption and getting CPS involved, and pressuring your daughter to relinquish the baby. Or at the very least being accountable for the circumstances to which she is exposing her child. She bears responsibility for tolerating what is abusive and exposing her baby to it as well.

In the best of worlds, she needs to be held accountable, get parenting classes, and support to help her find in herself the capacity to say no to this bad man and what he brings with him. But how to do this?

That's for you and for the family to decide. It is high-risk in the sense, that when CPS gets involved, they have control. This baby has a loving and caring and responsible extended family. Are you willing or able to try to work this out as a unit with your son and daughter? Can she understand the situation? Is she capable to that extent?

But oh my. To think of relinquishing this baby to the system, to other non-family parents. Can this really be an option now? This far down the road? I can't imagine the heartbreak of this. For everybody. Especially the baby. In my experience, there are not always happy endings in adoption. My own son has suffered horribly from the failure of his birth parents, to care for him, to want him--he feels thrown away like so much garbage.

Yet there has to be some law laid down. How can you keep helping when she calls the shots? And lives so badly. Right now, it's all words. She says she's coming over after the boyfriend has acted out or worse.. And then they're lovey-dovey two minutes later.... How will this change? This has been going on for years. This is the quality of their relationship. This is how they are. How can you change this? How can this change? It won't. There is no desire or ability on their part to change it.

But there can be changed arrangements for the baby, with the intervention and agreement of the family as a whole. If it were me, I would not be a caretaker of the child on the terms your daughter is setting. I would not make it a firm to do this or I will or I won't. But I would decide what just can't happen anymore. And what the child absolutely needs. And what you are willing and able to do; or not. But on your terms, not on your daughter's. Right now she is calling all of the shots.

You are in a hard, hard spot. There is not one way to go that is easy or painless. All of it is hard, hard, hard. Except the baby. This is about the baby.
 
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Barbaro

New Member
DGS is a sweet but active little one. I did not plan on being the caregiver 24/7. This was to give DGD a second chance, to get out of abusive relationship, get back on her feet, and start a new life for her and her child. It isnt headed that direction.

Ksm
It really looks like you are moving towards exactly what you did not plan on (you being a 24/7 caregiver). Unless you have changed your mind it would be best to speak up now.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Things are a little better today. They have another place to live and should move in tomorrow. Both have jobs, starting in a few days. They have an aunt on the BFs side who got them both a housekeeping job at a motel where the aunt also works.

Do I think this will go any better? Probably not. But I am going to miss having babys sweet little face and morning cuddles... he is worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Ksm
 
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