Need A Pep Talk

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Jul 12, 2017.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son called from jail last night. He was arrested for aggravated assault on his girlfriend. He wanted to move back to my house. I told him no. They threw out all of his clothes plus his wallet with his id and social security. I did not offer to help him replace any of this stuff.

    I have my hands full taking care of my mother and my own health concerns. I did reach out to his counselor to give him son's phone number. That is all I was willing to do.

    I feel like crap. I heard all of the usual garbage about how I have given up on him, don't love him, won't help him and that none of this is his fault. My only response was he needed to figure out his life my helping him did not work out for either one of us.

    I know in my heart of hearts that I did the right thing. My stomach is in knots and I am getting a migraine. It sucks rocks when you can't help your child for fear of getting sucked back into the depths of hell.
     
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Paja

    Stay strong. You've been here before.

    Read the article on detachment over and over.

    Don' t listen to it. You just have to emotionally distance yourself. It is very hard.

    Hugs.
     
  3. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    Pasajes
    This is such hard work to keep one's boundaries and to take care of oneself. You did the right thing to take care of yourself, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt terribly. And it often comes out in physical symptoms. Every loving mother wants to help her child, but as we who have difficult children know, helping often hurts us and allows our difficult child to continue on a destructive path. Life is not fair; my oldest is in jail, and sometimes I feel incredibly sad about the injustices in the criminal justice system, but it is what it is, and my son keeps making choices that land him there. I am in the same mode with my 36 year old Borderline (BPD) daughter who is on the verge of homelessness with two children. My stomach is in knots, too, but I know I am a loving, reasonable person. I am sure you are, too. Take care of yourself. Hands off, heart on as we continue to learn to hold our boundaries.
     
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Pasa,
    I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I know all too well what it's like.

    His response is so typical. My son has used the same verbiage on me many times. It seams that our difficult children equate our love to us giving them money, a place to stay and fixing their problems. What they refuse to see is that we have done all of this and more and instead of getting their lives back on track they continue to spiral out of control.
    I think your response was absolutely perfect and truthful.

    It sucks that we go out of our way to help them and they reject it and expect it all at the same time.

    Pasa, your health should be your top priority and taking care of your mom is enough on your plate.

    Do something really nice for yourself.

    Sending you ((HUGS))
     
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Pasa, I know those stomach knots, I know how crummy you feel right now......been there so many times....
    I'm so sorry, it's never easy, but geez, it's what we have to do. You did the appropriate thing, and yes, it doesn't feel very good.

    You have a lot on your plate. I hope you're balancing all of it with self care.

    If you can get outside and take a walk, that helps, 11 minutes of walking shifts the brain.
    If you can meditate, that helps. YouTube has many guided meditations for anything that ails you, punch in sadness, depression, anxiety or whatever, and up pops a guided meditation. I like the Honest Guys, they're British and have some good ones. Along with Deepak Chopra, I like his voice.
    If you can go out with a girlfriend go for it.
    I love acupuncture, it helps me to find peacefulness in my body.
    Can you get an appointment for a massage?
    Go have your nails done. A mani/pedi can offer a little solace in a crazy time.
    My balance point when I am in your shoes is to amp up my self care, ASAP......
    Sending you a big, understanding hug.....we know how you feel around here.....
     
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  6. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Yes, you did the right thing for you and for your son. You gave loving, gentle, and appropriate support by calling his counselor. His guilt trip didn't work and you harm more than help when he can't even take any responsibility for his predictament or his actions.

    Sending you positive thoughts that he'll figure it out on his own. In the meanwhile, take care of yourself.
     
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  7. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    You did the right thing, pasa. My son gives me a lot of migraines, too. You will survive it. :wine::picnic:
     
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Pasa, I am so sorry you are going through this. I just went through a similar situation with my son. I know that feeling too.

    You've got it right, it's all garbage and it's all a guilt trip. Good for you for seeing through it and calling him on it. Your response was absolutely spot-on.

    He needs to stop laying that stuff at your feet. You deserve peace and to be surrounded by people and things who nourish your spirit, ALWAYS, but especially now, given the health issues you and your mother are facing.

    Many hugs to you tonight, Pasa. These guilt and pity plays feel like being battered; please counterbalance them by pampering yourself a little, or a lot.
     
  9. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    That's what matters, Pasa. I am following along and thoughts are with you.
    Love this. So right on.
     
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Pasa I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Nothing, absolutely nothing, rips your heart out more than having them call in distress, begging for you to rescue them. And you have to say no. You know you have to say no. This is when doing the right thing hurts more than doing the wrong one, but as you truthfully told him, when you were helping, it did neither of you any good.

    Hang on. Stay strong. Wish we could do more than offer words. :group-hug:
     
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  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I want to thank everyone for their support. It means the world to me to be able to have a place to come and be able to talk to people who are also on this hideous journey.

    I received a phone call from his counselor letting me know that he did contact him. Son just wanted counselor to work on me letting him come home.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Adding love, light and prayers.
     
  13. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    Pasa, you bring up an important issue about your son wanting the counselor to work on you to get what he wants. My son in in jail (more than once) and over the years his counselors have said he should lean on family until he can get back on his feet. "Why don't you live with them?" They only hear his sad story about how cold-hearted we are, rather than about all the wasted support, heartache, and unacceptable behavior on his part. It's frustrating, but I keep trying to remember that what others think about me is none of my business. Keep posting to stay strong. We get stronger the more we take care of ourselves. More and more I believe that as long as my difficult children see themselves as victims, they will not be motivated to change, and as long as they see themselves as victims, all power rests outside their reach.
     
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  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Acacia, You are absolutely correct. He is always the victim. It's never about his behavior. It's always that the rules are stupid, he's grown and should be able to do what he what he's done, everyone is stupid, other people always get the best jobs, and my all time favorite, "I have to help him no matter what , because I am his mother and it is my responsibility to put up with it until he's ready to change."
     
  15. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Say what?!?:wow: I'm sorry, son but you must be :outoffocus:, because you are not thinking clearly. It's time to put on your big boy pants and grow up.
     
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  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Pigless, I got a huge giggle out of your post. His thought process is so not based in the real world.
     
  17. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Pasa,

    Hugs.

    Almost all of us have been through this. It is good the counselor called you, so you could explain where things stand. Perhaps the counselor can help with realistic options.

    Count me in as part of your support.

    SS
     
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  18. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    I can relate to that !