Need Help - Please

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by kypata, Mar 10, 2018.

  1. kypata

    kypata New Member

    My 18 year old son has never been easy to parent. He goes on and on about something until he gets his way. Last year, he had to have a truck - kept on and on, threatened to kill me if I didn't buy it. I was so sick of hearing about it that I bought it. For the past six months all he does is look up newer much more expensive trucks and I hear about it constantly. I am so sick of it I can't stand it.

    He is abusive - verbally and physically. I can't stand to be around him but he won't let me out of his sight. He even checks my phone to see who I text about him. I really just want him to move out.

    When he screams my name I cringe. I get few breaks from him as I'm a single parent and my ex husband is worthless. Some days when he is at school I get 50 texts from him by 10 a.m. He is so lazy - does nothing. Even screams for me to bring him a towel when he's in the shower. If I don't do what he wants then he yells, curses and hits me for hours at a time. This is like a nightmare. I'm thinking about getting a protection order.

    I really just like to vent. Thank you.
     
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Kypata and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. What you are describing is abuse and it is unacceptable. Your son is treating you like he owns you. You are his mother and deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. Hitting ones own mother is abusive and violent. My first concern is for your safety.
    Do you have anyone you can turn to for help? Have you talked with anyone about what is going on? Do you live in a remote area? Can you count on neighbors to help? The reason I ask is because protective orders are good as long as the police can get to you quickly.
    Your son is 18, considered an adult and responsible for his behaviors. Hitting you even once is assault, hours at a time is absolutely horrible.
    Kypata, you have value and worth and should be treated as such. I am sorry you are going through this. It is terrible to fear our own adult children, I have experienced looming over and threatening body posture by my daughters, they have been verbally abusive. I don’t allow them to live with me. They are addicted to meth. It turns people and causes them to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do.
    I hope you are able to get some protection. Are there any family members you can turn to?
    Your son should not be living with you under these circumstances.
    This may sound crazy, but my first thought is for you to get to an abuse shelter. Especially if you don’t have family or someone who can help you. Abusive people often ramp things up if they know that their victim is standing up to them. I don’t mean to scare you, but what you have posted about how your son treats you sounds potentially more dangerous to me.
    Please be careful and know that you do not deserve to be treated this way.
    The weekends are a bit slow on CD. More will come along and offer support and advice. We are not experts, just folks who have been traveling a hard journey ourselves. Please know you are not alone.
    Be safe!
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m reading fast and rushing and this deserves more thought. Apologies.
    But right away, I can say for sure if he hits you, call the police.
    I perused the above post and its excellent. Great advice in my book.
    A restraining order sounds wise.
    Think of who you can turn to for not only emotional support, but physical if you need it.
    Read whatever you can get your hands on re boundaries.
    Turn off your cell phone or block his calls temporarily if he is abusive.
    Can you lock your bedroom door? With a powerful lock?
    I would quietly seek legal advice about how you might safely “evict” him should that become necessary.
    Yes, a restraining order sounds like s good idea. Don’t let yourself be abused. Be safe. This sounds dangerous.
     
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree you are in a dangerous situation and it sounds as if your son may have a mental diagnosis but worry about that later. If you can do it safely document the abuse. If you have had to go to the doctor and he has evidence perhaps. Your son needs to be removed from your home. I agree with a restraining order and possibly a shelter or somewhere else until he is out. You may need to press charges which is very hard but remember if he does this to you he will probably do it to someone else. As far as your phone you can set password to unlock the phone. After he leaves i would get a security system. You said your ex was useless but maybe if he knows your son would be homeless he would step up. Regardless please cut ties until you are safe. Do not give him money , change your number or block his when he is gone. How about a dog? None of this is easy but you need to be safe NOW!
     
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  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    As the stepparent of a violent and abusive young man, I know firsthand what you are experiencing.

    The advice you have received is spot on. You do not have to tolerate this behavior simply because your abuser happens to be your son.

    You may wish to consider moving very far away if you can manage it.

    I know you love your son, but he is a danger to you and perhaps others as well. He sounds EXTREMELY violent, more so than my stepson, and he may escalate to murdering you from what you describe.

    Since he is accustomed to his threats being effective (he gets what he wants by frightening you into submission) he is probably not going to stop anytime soon.

    Many members have had disappointing experiences with the police. Many police have minimized domestic violence when it is perpetrated by a troubled adolescent or young adult child. Your better option for immediate help, as has been suggested, may well be at a battered women's shelter. From there you can involve the police, hire an attorney to get him out of your home/file charges against him (if you can emotionally stomach it), etc.

    Best of luck and keep posting here, it helps.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is domestic violence. For yourself you can get help at adomestic abuse shelter...I volunteered at one and there was free counseling.

    If your spouse kept hitting you until you did what he wants, what would you do? Yes, it's harder,no question, but your son will beat someone else one day if he doesn't stop and somebody who is not Mom will press charges and maybe it will be even worse for him. If he is very violent he may kill someone....it's the kind thing to stop him before it gets even worse. Plus YOU MATTER!

    He will only have a chance of stopping if violence has consequences and does not get his way when he is violent. Consider the police, an alarm system, a loyal dog. All.

    Love and hugs!
     
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  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, kypata.

    Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline.

    1-800-799-7233

    This can’t continue.

    It is no different that if it were a spouse or SO.

    He is physically abusing you and you are scared of him and what may happen next. This is not any way to live.

    Call them, please.

    Stay with us and let us know how you are doing.

    Apple
     
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  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    You need to do more than just vent. Please listen to the advice the other members here have given to you and get yourself into a safe place.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    Hugs from us.
     
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    If you are still reading this forum please let us know you are ok.
     
  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    PLEASE call the domestic violence hotline, let them help you get into a safe situation and with the legalities, and then check back in and let us know you are OK. I, and I'm sure the rest of us, are really worried for your safety.