Need other viewpoints

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
So my son has been sober for about 45 days. He is back with the girlfriend and says things are going well since he is sober..
He has been working for this large company for over 3 years and in his current position for over a year. He excels in what he does and his boss has been so very supportive of him during all the times he was absent due to relapse and rehab/php, etc.
There are not many team members on his team and there is one that will be leaving in May. My son interviewed for a new position and had a 2nd interview for it last week. It is for a supervisor position within the same company. He never wanted to do that type work so I feel he is really only looking for more money which it will be.
My fear is that with the new position there will be more stress, a new boss that may not be as tolerable of his issues shall he relapse again. (He relapses every time there are issues with girlfriends- refuses to just work on himself and not get involved in relationships. As soon as they go south, he reaches for the booze.)
I am trying to let this go. It is his life. His choice. However, every time he relapses we get drawn into it due to his calls, his no money for rent, etc. I just don't know how this position will be if he goes back down the wrong path. He will supervise 7 -11 people and if he isn't present and is off days/weeks not sure what happens.
Do you feel I should bring this up to him if he asks us our views? The last time he was looking to move he asked our thoughts on it but this time the money will be substantially more than the last time. (The last time he declined the job offer because his current boss was able to get him a nice raise- this time the raise would have to be really high to match the starting rate of this new position).
I really feel bad for his current boss because my son does such a good job for him and his teammates love him.
Just wanted to some viewpoints.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I am really sorry that you are so worried, due to what you have seen before. My own viewpoint is just mine and not worth much, but it is also due to my experiences with my difficult daughter. Don't we all give advice that is a little of our own experience?

Anyhow I would not speak my fears for many reasons. One is that you may sound as if you don't believe he can be successful and each day is a brand new start. He may be at a point where he can do it. Another reason is because this is his life and decision, not yours. If he relapses he does. Yes, it is hard on us, but you have the choice of not listening to him if he relapses and refusing to enable him with money. It only becomes your problem if you allow it to be. I used to let her problems be mine. I stopped. So has my husband. She didn't listen to us anyway and the money we gave her made her lazy and entitled. We gave her everything and she.blew it all.

Do you see a therapist or go to Al Anon? I found both extremely helpful. This is such a hard path and I truly don't know how parents can do this without outside support. If anyone, even shy people, don't reach out, they are more courageous than I am. I need real time people support as does my husband. And I found my family and friends do not understand.

I am sorry that this situation is giving you so much anxiety. I hope you do reach out for support. Do you go to a place if worship? I find that to be very helpful too. For me (not everyone) God is my strength and truth. My church family is very supportive as well.

I wish you only the very best and send prayers, love and hugs. Please update us.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
It is so hard not to worry and tell them what we think. Ugh. I know this first hand as many of us here do. Probably all of us if the truth be told.

I think it's your son's life and he has to charter his own waters. He won't change until he's sick and tired of being the way he is.

I also think that you cannot always be his safety net. You won't live forever. He has to find ways to cope with his life and his choices. I'm saying that to myself as much as I'm saying that to you.

I am guilty of emotionally enabling my son. Is there even such a thing? I think there must be.

You/we cannot worry or control every decision they make nor can we enable them or rescue them every time things go wrong in their lives.

It is a very hard spot to be in.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Thank you for your thoughts. We want so much for your young adults to be able to just move forward. I know my son can do it but the ugly relapse always seems to occur as soon as his relationship gets rocky. It feels from the past it is only a matter of time.
His current boss was so good with him. I guess like it was stated maybe he is also kind of like a safety net. My son does so well for him that he seems to be very patient with him. Plus I feel he must have had someone in his life that struggled at one time with an addiction. He is just so good with my boy.

If my son would get the offer, I know he will call to discuss it. He did prior when he had the last job offer but then got the nice raise in his current position so he stayed where he was. I will try to remain neutral and let him weigh his pros and cons.

Thank you for your thoughts. I truly love this site and the help it provides.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
trying ~ He's been successful in the business world. To quote someone who works with launching young people "there's comes a time when you get to step aside and become their main cheerleader". It seems he has a mentor in his current boss, a really good thing, someone who will be there for him if he falters in this. But really he's been there for three years, so is seemly to me a valuable employee. There's nothing saying he can't move into another job in the company if this supervisory position doesn't work out. He may find out being a supervisor is not for him but it's something he needs to figure out for himself.

Please try to take the worry about him relapsing for his work situation out of the equation in your mind.

Back in the day when I became a supervisor, my mother through ignorance of the business world had no idea of my total lack of preparedness, neither did I, major understatement . My mother supported me and assumed I would work out any issues I came across. She also, during what was a horrible time for me, encouraged me to decide what I wanted to do for my career and go that way. She never spoke to me as if I couldn't handle it per-say but only in a way of what path I wanted to take.

In my case, my mentor was later instrumental in referring me for a technical management position. After that I became a manager who was over management people who were so much more motivated than the "baby-sitting" supervisor position I was first promoted into.

You know your son buckles under personal social issues, as in girlfriends, not so much with work or he would not have been continued to be employed with this company for three years, regardless of his boss's support, it just doesn't happen in major companies in these days.

Maybe this is the world, work world, where he needs to find his worth and then later deal with his personal challenges.

I think your son has this, take a breath, count to five as you let it out.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Thank Deni D, I am so trying to let go. I could also view the current boss as somewhat of an enabler maybe as well. He missed a lot of time but the FMLA helped in that respect. As soon as he and the girlfriend have a disagreement, he falters and misses work due to being hung over or just depressed. He will then go in on weekends and make up his time. He seems to be going strong and then bamb she doesn't do what he wants or doesn't answer her phone when he calls or his texts and that sends him into a frenzy that she is cheating on him, etc.

Looks like that just happened on Monday night.... I still pay his cell phone and so I can look at the usage. Called her 43 times in an hour and a half.... she didn't answer... almost 99% positive he didn't go to work on Tuesday either. This is what I mean. Would love to point that out to him. How will you be a supervisor when you miss so much time?
This is his life.
I do feel that the reason I get so "involved" is because he comes to us when he needs money for groceries due to not having any left after he pays his rent.... However, he seems to have money for weed, for basketball games and for take out.
Maybe if he was totally on his own it would not make me feel so hurt/angry when he calls to see if I would send him an ecard for groceries.
I wish I was strong enough to say "Well, you need to decide if you want to spend your money on weed or food?" He also took his girlfriend for an overnight stay around Valentine's day... Like where did that money come from. Didn't mind charging that but then needs me to help pay for groceries?
Sorry for venting.
Thank for being here and for everyone thoughts. They help me so much.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am sorry again. It's heartbreaking.

Your son however does not need your money if he regularly has $$$ for weed, treat nights for the girlfriend and other non essentials. Can he not get food stamps? Do they not have soup kitchens and food pantries?

The hard, sad fact that WE had to learn is that as long as we are willing to be used, when Kay could have easily found resources herself, the more we WERE used. I understand feeling weak but there are plenty of ways for your son to eat well even if he has no money because he blew it on pot. If you send him a food card it is quite likely he sells it for more pot. These kids are manipulative

If you really want to feel better yourself, it is up to you and not dependant on your son's chaos. It took us years and much help to stop feeling "poor Kay." But this is your decision. For your sake I hope you begin Al Anon at the very least.

Until WE change, nothing does change. Nothing. We stay messes who live through our kids. That hurts us and does not help them grow up.

I hope you find peace just for today.

God bless.
 

WiseChoices

Well-Known Member
I have found that when I focus on someone else's life, I create unmanageability in mine, and when I focus on me, I create serenity .

You don't have to loan/give money, you don't have to rescue him from the consequences of his own actions . And when you take care of yourself -physically, emotionally, and spiritually, you become the biggest role model to those around you, and empower them as you empower yourself.
 
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