need some collective wisdom

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pigless in VA, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I am scheduled to head back to the farm today leaving Ferb at the other house alone for 5 days. Knowing what is happening, or at least part of it, is indeed making me ill. If I chose to stay here for a few extra days, Mrs. W would likely stay away. I am also somewhat concerned that the police will come to question Ferb. I know they are bound to be digging around into Mrs. W's "activities" and Ferb is involved.

    SO wants to demand that Ferb not have anyone over while I am gone. He believes Ferb will listen to him over me. He wants to threaten to not pay the college tuition if he disobeys.

    Ferb leaves for college on Aug 19. The only day I absolutely must be at the farm is Aug 17. The other days I have a choice.

    What do you think I should do? Stay here to keep the wolf at bay? Go home to the farm where I can reset my poor tired brain? Split the difference? I know I won't be going today as I didn't sleep much last night.

    Thank you so very much friends for being here to discuss this horrible situation. You guys are such an incredible gift.
     
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hm. This is tough, because I know how much you probably need the getaway. I'm inclined to tell you to go, but have a game plan in the back of your mind regarding what situations may prompt you to come home early, and what situations are things you can live with and deal with later. You deserve a break from the madness - and if you have a plan B in place, maybe you can relax a little more.

    The toughest part: quite honestly, I think the odds are good that she'll come over, rule or no rule. I guarantee you she can talk her way in, in such a way that Ferb won't even blink about an impending punishment. You have to decide if you can live with that, I guess -- can it be any worse than it's already been?

    Because of that, I think revoking college tuition is a bit harsh for punishment. Ferb is young, and this woman is a predator. Do you really want to take away something like college because a predator took advantage of your son? Not saying he has no fault here, but he is still a kid emotionally - and she's taking advantage of that. I'd just think on that part a bit. Maybe make the punishment something you can live with: take away his phone/wifi access, maybe? His transportation? Does he even need to know what the punishment will be, really? Honestly I don't think it will matter once she starts manipulating. That's one thing I learned about my kids as teens - a proposed punishment, no matter how harsh, rarely stopped them from doing anything. An immature mind is too impulsive, once they're "in the moment" they just don't care. It was important I followed through with the punishment however, so I had to make sure I could live with what I'd said I'd do.

    Of course, it's easy for me to say these things from my chair over here - you're the one that has to live with this . I just wanted to throw out my thoughts.

    Thinking of you...
     
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  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Ferb should know that he MUST have someone with him (pref an attorney) when speaking with the cops. His rights must be protected and cops don't do that. Even when you think they are on your side, they are not. You MUST aggressively protect his rights - esp if he knew she was sleeping with other boys who were underage and did not tell authorities. Make it SUPER clear to Ferb that the ONLY thing he is allowed to say to the cops is that he won't speak to them without an attorney. I promise it will be an expense, but worth the expense. You MUST protect his future and they might throw charges at him - you just never know. I cannot stress this enough.

    Otherwise, don't make yourself sick. I see no problem with asking Ferb to not have anyone over. THe cops may be watching Mrs. X and you really don't need Ferb drawn more into this. This is a good reason for him to not have her over, fyi. You and Ferb may need a break from each other for a day or two, but you certainly can ask him not to have anyone over with all of this going on.

    Only threaten what you will do. If you won't actually refuse to pay tuition, then don't ever threaten it. You don't know how strong a hold she has on him, or if she will just turn up anyway if she knows you are gone. So if you don't want to actually have to wreck your relationship over refusing to pay his tuition because he couldn't say no to this hag, then don't threaten to refuse to pay his tuition. Find something else to threaten him with. Something you will do. Say you won't let him have a car the first semester at college maybe. Or something else.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Agreed, don't let Ferb speak to the police alone.

    I would not leave, he leaves soon anyway.

    She is a piece a work...and I'm betting new victims might emerge.

    Sooner he is removed from the situation the better, that would be my view. It would disgust me to think of her in my home.

    Rest....
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If it were me, I would attempt to influence Ferb to make the right decision on his own.

    I would tell him rumor has it that Ms. WXYZ has been to the house while you were away, and that, while you know that she is a friend, it is not a wise or prudent move (for his or her sake) to be in the home of a former student, given the circumstances.

    I would encourage him not to put the woman in this position, given that the police are probably monitoring her movements.

    I would also let him know that, each time he interacts with her makes it more likely that the police will want to ask him questions.

    And, yes, I would probably stay a bit longer to monitor his reaction.

    But, this is what I would do. It might not work for you.
     
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree with Susie - don't ever threaten if you aren't going to go thru with it.

    Ferb must NOT lie to the police. DRILL that in. He doesn't have to talk to them at all. He can tell them he has nothing to say and if they insist he should ask for an attorney. But lying is obstruction of justice and could get HIM in trouble. So make sure he knows that if he doesn't want to tell the police the TRUTH, he should just refuse to speak to them at all!

    As for the farm...I don't know. I liked the suggestion made on your other thread that you tell him it will hurt HER if she's caught associating with him, given her situation now.
     
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  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Talking with him about the situation may be a necessary move, since there is a strong possibility that the authorities may attempt to get information from him.

    He may as well know now, and not be blindsided later. He may think he has everyone fooled, but it's probably time to let him know this is not the case....
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others. The tuition threat is too harsh. I believe ferb needs your support. But he needs to feel empowered too, and responsible to make the hard choices of a good man. All in all, a tough spot for a loving mom who is scared. And rightfully so.
     
  9. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    I'm also in agreement with the others: Ferb needs lawyer present if speaking to police/authorities and rules/actions if he is to stay home alone. I wouldn't want to take an education away from someone who wants to go to school - perhaps there are other alternatives to not following rules. Not sure of your family's availability in the area - could someone come and "house sit" while you are gone?

    I might want to stay behind for this week and try to plan something once Ferb was back in school. At the same time, you deserve a break, too! Such a tough decision. Do what's best for you and SO. The rest will fall where it may.
     
  10. culturanta

    culturanta Active Member

    I would stay home if it was me.
     
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Active Member

    I would stay if it was me also. I get the need for rest and a break. Fern is off to school soon and hopefully there will be time for the farm and rest. He needs a peter present if the authorities speak to him yes and he may well need you to decompress with once this so done.
     
  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Yes, after reflecting, I agree that SO's idea of removing college tuition is not only harsh but it wouldn't work. SO thinks he can make a punishment harsh enough to demand compliance. That never works with Ferb. He always steps over the line.

    It happened that I had a conversation with that friend who told Candy about what was going on with Ferb and Mrs. W. Apparently, their relationship was common knowledge at school and the principal was trying? to keep tabs on them. This friend also reported that he distanced himself from Ferb and the rest of their group due to their "partying." More confirmation of Ferb's poor choices. Friend mentioned that at least 5 boys are involved with Mrs. W.

    I am not feeling comfortable leaving the house with this volatile and disturbing situation unfolding.
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Active Member

    That should have read Ferb, and he needs a parent present.
     
  14. culturanta

    culturanta Active Member

    I am so sorry, Pigless. It's so hard to know what to do, and I am sure each option will in its own way prove to be the wrong one LOL. Let your heart and love for your son, and knowledge of his struggles guide you. Maybe now is the time to connect with his therapist.

    As an educator, the only pass I can possibly give the principal of that school is that (s)he was trying to gather evidence so that there was an ironclad case against Mrs. W. Rumor is one thing, proof is another. Perhaps the ultimate arrest of the teacher on school grounds was due to the principal's watchful eye. Still, it's sickening to think that Ferb and other young men were molested right under the principal's nose the whole time.

    I'll be thinking of you!
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    This is so out of my realm of comfort I don't know what I'd do.

    Our sons do not want to discuss much when it comes to women, relationships, sex so I can't imagine how to handle this.

    I think I'd stick around at home unless I had to leave to be on the safe side to keep her from visiting.

    Based on my boys, I don't think I'd feel comfortable talking to them about it and feel my intentions may not come across properly due to my discomfort with the situation.

    I'm sure you'll do the right thing!
     
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    If the school knows about Ferb and pedophile's relationship, they will be providing this information to the authorities.
     
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If he "partied" with her where she engaged in sex with minors and/or cultivated/groomed minors for sex does that expose ferb legally in any way? Lil. Are you here?

    Is it time for frank talk and possibly a talk with an attorney?
     
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Not really my field. I doubt very much he has any worries about legal liability unless he was over 18 and the other kids weren't. But even then I'd be surprised. Really wouldn't hurt to talk to an attorney in your state Pigless. Just for peace of mind if nothing else.
     
  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I doubt that he would be in any legal trouble. He might be asked to be a witness.
     
  20. culturanta

    culturanta Active Member

    I tend to be an alarmist so take these comments with a grain of salt.

    The only concern I would have insofar as legal liability would be if Ferb procured underage boys for Mrs. W to "play" with either sexually or by providing alcohol/drugs, or both. And to a prosecutor "procuring" could mean something as simple as "hey, come hang out with me and Mrs. W, we'll have fun".

    In the minds of adolescent males they're hooking up their buddies. In the eyes of the law, particularly if Ferb was 18 and therefore an adult, it might look a lot different.

    Mrs. W sounds desperate and her attorney will be looking for any way possible to paint her in a more sympathetic light. Pinning some of it on Ferb may be a strategy they could pursue.

    I am not an attorney but to be on the safe side, if this was DS, I'd at least talk to a lawyer. Initial consultations are often free of charge.