Need support- heart broken

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Hello again... I will try to make this short but you know how it goes. My son was in recovery for almost 2 months at the beginning of this year then the pandemic hit and he had to start working from home.... Not good.. Like he said "Its an alcoholics dream". So he started back into drinking and I never really heard much that things were not good. He had the issue with the stomach problems from smoking too much weed and I asked the girlfriend about the drinking and she didn't mention it. Fast forward... her mom came this week for a visit (seems maybe planned) He was very nervous to meet her. Already didn't like her due to what she did to his girlfriend and ruined her credit. So, he was very vocal to me and I told him he needed to remember that people change and forgiveness is huge. Well, dinner didn't go as intended... Pretty sure he was drinking prior to it. As before when he was into the heavy booze he couldn't eat and would just get sick. So long story short, she left him. Her and her mom moved her out today... He called and explained what happened. Told me he was drinking on and off and that she told him that she missed the man he once was before alcohol took over... He told me that he was afraid and that if he hits rock bottom again he won't be getting back out. He did have someone from his work reach out to him and asked him to come visit for a week to help get his mind off which was nice.
He did reach out to his sponsor and called the place he had rehab at to see about getting back into meetings there so that all is good.
His attitude did seem better over all but he still was saying how he hates the person he becomes and he hates how the controls him.
He will now be all alone again 1700 miles away. It is killing me.
He does plan on going to see his friend from work (they are on the same team) but in a different state. I just don't know how he will be going forward. He doesn't have many friends that he hangs with. So sad.
He sent me a text "Do you and dad promise to always be there for me even if it gets really bad?" Like what is that? I replied that we will always be here for him but can't enable him. I didn't know what else to say. I did say he can't cave when things get uncomfortable like he always does in recovery.
Any advice on what you all would do? I want to tell him that we have our own bills to pay. We are not certain of our jobs either at this time.
He needs to get on his own insurance come Nov. so that is a huge deal with getting help for addictions and having a huge deductible.
So many things. Just a rotten start to the weekend.
 

Edamame

New Member
Your pain, fears, and sadness resonate with me. I am lifting you now in hopes that you will feel peace and be comforted in a tangible way. Lifting your son too! Strength and endurance to him!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Trying

I am so sorry that you are suffering. I am suffering too. When we know our adult children are off the rails, I think it is impossible not to suffer, when we have direct contact with them. I know that is true for me.

This is what I believe. Just as you don't want your son to be a slave to his alcoholism, almost every mother of a daughter would not want her to be in the lifestyle that your son would subject any woman too. As long as your son does not choose to enter a recovery program, this will go on, and on.

Your choices to preserve your cash and your security, and to build rather than destroy your finances is reasonable and warranted. Any money that goes to your son goes to his drinking and drug use, directly and undirectly.

As long as you are close in to his life, it will hurt this way. There is no way to live a life on an even keel as an alcoholic or drug addict.

In my view there is NOTHING you can do and EVERYTHING he can do to work to change his situation, his life and himself.

There are choices that you can make to not be the effect of his behaviors and choices. One thing you can do is to post here every day multiple times a day on your own threads and others' threads. This is what changes us. Another thing you can do is to go to Al Anon groups, online for now.

This situation will not change until you recognize that you are the one who can change. But recognizing this will only come in the process of changing, that is, walking the walk.

I know and I believe that you can do this. It will not stop the pain and worry right away. But little by little the pain will be less often, and less.

I am sorry.
 

Edamame

New Member
Your pain, fears, and sadness resonate with me. I am lifting you now in hopes that you will feel peace and be comforted in a tangible way. Lifting your son too! Strength and endurance to him!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Your son is in the driver's seat. It is very good that he reached out to his co worker. As it is, HE needs to reach out to rehab and decide not to quit the program. You can't do this for him. I could not fix my daughter either.

Your son knows how to get sober. He also chose to be 1500 miles away. He would be no different if he lived close to you. Some things we can not do for our beloved adult children. Getting clean from addiction is something the person must do alone.

I am sorry for your pain. Prayers and hugs.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Thank you all.. many tears this morning for I have just no words. He was on the phone last night and had a totally different attitude than earlier in the day when he said he was going to speak to his sponsor at 8pm, etc. He was crying on and off. He said he was so scared of his thoughts and mind and I told him to go to the hospital so he was not alone.... He got angry at that because they would put him on a 72 hour hold and that he threw in my face from when he was 17 and was self harming and was put in on a hold. At that point, I couldn't speak any more. I had to just let my husband talk.
I am tired of this. If this continues, the next call will be he can't find his glasses... He will put me on facetime to look through his apartment for them... he will cry because he can't see, he will cry because no one will be there to help him find them. He seriously is almost blind without them.
I told my husband that it is no wonder I am a complete mess. This has been going on for so long.
My son just sent my parents an email on Monday asking them if they would help him again with his credit card debt.... They did! Unbelievable. I have told them that he was back to drinking. I told them my theory that he uses his pay check for booze/weed and then charges his rent. Takes cash advances and then calls them for help with his cards. They just paid on them in January and he asked again.
My dad says I want to help while I can...
I know I vent alot. Thanks for listening.
I have been reading scripture and reaching out to friends to pray for my son.
I just can't get over the change in attitude from the 1st phone call to the 2nd call. He was so gungho to go see his friend in Florida and then totally blew that off when he called the 2nd time.
 

startingfresh

Active Member
My heart goes out to you. I will pray for your son, that he finds his way to helping himself. Keep posting as so many here know exactly what you are going through and can lift you up.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Well he called twice this morning and once to my daughter who is away with grad school. She told me what they talked about and she said he admits he needs to change and not do it his way anymore because it isn't working. Told her that he is dependent on having a girlfriend so he is not alone...
He and my husband talked for over an hour the last call. I just stay off the line. He tells my husband I am negative about his trip to Florida to see his female coworker.... Well, he always hated the hot weather and humidity. He always hated being in the sun and the beach... So all I said was Pack sunscreen it will be hot. I also said that when he returns he will need to focus on recovery because he will be back to his old routine... I figure it is best to stay silent because what I say isn't taken correctly.
If he calls this afternoon while my husband is at work... oh help me... I just want to ask what the reason is that he can't make it past 88 days sober? Seriously, as soon as he gets close to the 3 month mark he caves. This last girl even said to him that she missed the old person he was... same thing his long term girlfriend said as well... the drinking changes him... He is a different person.
He doesn't have friends because he always just concentrated on having a relationship.
I am going swimming now with a friend from church. I have to focus on other things.
Positives for the day:
He made it through the night.
He did talk to his sponsor- so he says and they are to do a zoom meeting today.
He did reach out to my husband, my parents and my daughter all before 10am his time...
 

HMBgal

Well-Known Member
Oh I feel your pain. I can't have my daughter in my home because of her drug use. She's living in her car. In the middle of a pandemic. She can't find work. It's awful. And I'm raising her children. She always depends on men and gets away with it because she's pretty, smart, and witty. But, she's 43 now and she's looking a little rough. I have hope every day for her...from a distance. She's been through three rehabs and none stuck.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Tried getting away for a few hours and come home to 4 missed calls... now it goes to voicemail. So tired of this circle.. I know it is awful to say but sometimes I pray God takes me so at least I get out of this constant pain.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
well, he called we talked for 2 hours... It was okay. sometimes got heated and uneasy... He would cry that he didn't' want to die, cried that he is trying, cried he was afraid to be alone. I suggested getting into a program that was a few months long... He said no he needs to have a woman in his life and can't go that long without one...
At the end of the 2 hours conversation I noticed he sounded like he may be drifting off... I said "Are you falling asleep." He said "Well on that note, I am going to hang up because I am not good." He was intoxicated.
So much for trying. Says when he is alone, it is not good.
Other than offering to fly him home so he is not alone, I don't know what to do. He would be alone here as well because we work.
Should that be an option? I don't want him alone for the holidays again. yes, it is a few months off but I am already worried.
He doesn't want to give anything up. Even said to me that when he does it his way it doesn't work, then why not do it different? It is like banging my head off of a cement wall.
 

runawaybunny

Administrator
Staff member
well, he called we talked for 2 hours... It was okay. sometimes got heated and uneasy... He would cry that he didn't' want to die, cried that he is trying, cried he was afraid to be alone. I suggested getting into a program that was a few months long... He said no he needs to have a woman in his life and can't go that long without one...
At the end of the 2 hours conversation I noticed he sounded like he may be drifting off... I said "Are you falling asleep." He said "Well on that note, I am going to hang up because I am not good." He was intoxicated.
So much for trying. Says when he is alone, it is not good.
Other than offering to fly him home so he is not alone, I don't know what to do. He would be alone here as well because we work.
Should that be an option? I don't want him alone for the holidays again. yes, it is a few months off but I am already worried.
He doesn't want to give anything up. Even said to me that when he does it his way it doesn't work, then why not do it different? It is like banging my head off of a cement wall.
Sending you my support. I cannot imagine how painful and difficult this is for you. You are in an impossible situation and responding reasonably, even though it doesn't feel that way. Some things we just cannot influence or control.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Another phone call... 2am... on for 3 hours. just talking to try to keep his mind off of the dangerous thoughts he has. We laugh at memories, talk about the pets, vacations, etc. Talk about him getting help. He tells me how he knows the addiction has ruined so many relationships but can't seem to break the cycle. Won't go to detox, plans on going to see a coworker and stay with her for awhile... I didn't want to be negative but cautioned him on "what if things don't go well and that relationship gets uncomfortable... now he has to work with her"...

I don't know what to say about the thoughts in his mind. Recommended reading, etc. says it won't help.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
I couldn't take it tonight... again calls us expects us to stay on the phone all night. He said he went to the liquor store to get enough so he doesn't have withdrawals. Refuses to go to inpatient detox. Cries we are all he has... I am so pissed.. When he isn't alone and has a girl, we sometimes go days without a text now we are all he has.
I brought up God and well I had to hear how he doesn't believe in him or a higher power. How he has never answered him or he wouldn't be in this situation, etc.
I had to hang up. I don't know if he will get through this again. Sorry for so many posts
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Your son has no business being so far away, of his own choice, then expect you to find his glasses virtually. I know this sounds harsh but he is being a jerk. in my opinion it would be best not to answer most of his phone calls, and I'd turn my phone off completely from 9pm until 8am. The calls don't change him. His wishes never happen. He is.a grown man and he can fix himself without you. Maybe being available to talk to him so often keeps him from getting help. If he had to deal alone maybe he would go to rehab. Maybe not. But he is being enabled by grandparents and by you and hub constantly jumping to talk to him while he is not doing things to get clean. That includes rehab and therapy. You are not therapists. You are too emotionally involved to be useful to his recovery. All of us are in the same boat. Trust me, we all get it. We care. We feel for your hurting heart.

Although you want your son closer, how would that change him? You probably care more about his being alone or about the holidays than he does. Right now sadly his company is his substance of choice. Nothing you say or do will change him. But there is hope for you and your husband and even the grandparents. I know it first hand. Only took me a decade 😳. Yes, a decade. Don't wait that long please.

Have you tried Al Anon? Right now many meetings are on Zoom so you don't even need to go in person. The only person you can change is yourself and your reaction to your addict. Maybe order an Al Anon book on Amazon and read it first. Al Anon is an eye opener with tons of coping tools that work...if you truly want to be in a better place. Your better coping skills could wear off on your son. Or not. But you need to know how to live a good life even while loving an addict. We all do. Easy? No! Possible? YES!!!

The only way to change things are to learn new ways to deal. This dance never changes and so far nobody has been helped by the same old dance. It was the same for me. The very same.

I send you love and hugs. I hope you can take steps forward. Your son is living the way he wants with bonus points from the grands. YOU can live better. Read an Al Anon book and try the tools!

Prayers and be well.
 
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Nandina

Member
Trying, I feel for you. Recently my 19 year old son entered a year-long, faith-based rehab program after many, many calls to me similar to your son’s. I’ll tell his full story later on a different thread, but he surprisingly went from being a non-believer to now believing in a higher power. That was the incentive I had to recommend a faith based program. He had hit rock bottom and totally surprised me when he agreed to go. He knew he had to do something, and was sick and tired of his life. We dropped him off there one week ago. It‘s about 6 hours away.

But prior to finally agreeing to go, his calls were angry, whiney, self-pitying—such as your son’s. I sobbed many times after getting off the phone with him because he was in so much pain. He was also homeless and cannot live in our home and knows and accepts that. My response to him every time he called was to tell him, “I cannot help you until you make the decision to change your life.” “You know what you need to do.” And I told him when he is ready to do that, I will do everything in my power to help him. This is his first attempt at rehab though, so I am not completely worn out yet on that front.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but in my opinion your son keeps taking you down the rabbit hole with him and you are a willing participant. He cries and complains to you about how bad his life is and then essentially tells you he’s not going to do anything to improve it. Really? Still yet, he calls you, disrupts your life and wreaks havoc on your emotions, again and again and again. He is benefiting from your shoulder to lean on. He’s getting the benefit of comfort through your listening to his whining and crying while you are coming apart emotionally.

You don’t have to listen to him as you obviously know. And I don’t think you should. But there are ways to manage future situations without letting him continue to torture you with his barrage of drunken self-pity.

Have you tried a more “tough love” approach where you will only accept calls from him when he is sober? Right up front, if he is drunk, has been or is drinking when he calls, kindly say you will speak to him when he is sober, tell him you love him, say goodbye and hang up. Or you will speak to him only after he has decided to make a positive change in his life. That you can’t help him by listening to him cry and complain only to do nothing to help himself. Don’t engage with him. This is what is bringing you down. Just state the facts and be brief. No judgments, no arguments, no criticism.

If he selfishly disrespects those wishes and continues to call you while drunk or drinking, tell him ahead of time that you will stop taking his calls if it continues. And then, follow through.

I know this is HARD. But I really think you will feel better all around if you limit the length of the calls, explain why you are doing this and stay strong. Let it be on him to make a change if he wants to continue to communicate with you.

With these words I send much love and support to you. And a big hug.

Nandina
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Trying

I totally agree with the other posters. You needed to hear it, we all do.

I remember the first time I heard it I was like OMG they don't understand our situation or how wonderful my son is!!!

I was WRONG. We do understand and many of us have been there.

You need FIRM boundaries and you cannot and must not back down. Your son's life could depend on it. As Nandina said, YOU are not therapists. You well could be prolonging his not getting help by being his shoulder to cry on.

Unless HE stands on his own two feet and acts like a man HE will never change. You won't be on this earth forever. He has to do this on his own.

I barely talked to my son or saw him for three years while he went from rehab to rehab. My husband and I had to accept that our son could die from his addiction if he did not get help. It is a very hard thing to accept but once you do, it sets you free. I put my trust in God and I knew that WHATEVER the outcome, it was God' will. I am not over the path my son takes. WE are not in control of anything.

Praying for your strength and for your son to turn his life around. You need to live YOUR life. You can do this!
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Have to share... he called my daughter who will be 24 today... I had told her he missed work due to being sick...
She said to him "So you didn't want to go to inpatient medical detox this weekend because you didn't want to miss work... BUT you missed work because you drank yourself sick?" He replied "We are not seeing eye to eye anymore" and hung up.

My husband called to see how he was today and he told him he was sick to his stomach and was hyperventilating... My husband said that he mentioned he had to drink or he would soil his pants.. I don't know what that means. He is supposed to go meet a coworker/friend on Thursday night in another state. I have no clue how he will fly and be ready for this. Not my problem.
I couldn't talk to him today. He asked me if I would talk to him for a little but I would not.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
This is a good start. in my opinion it does no good to always talk to him and to give sympathy to a situation of his own doing. I believe your son is around 30. He should NOT be bothering his sister who is in college or you and your husband. It in my opinion will help you greatly if instead of pitying him, which is what he wants, you start getting ticked off that he won't do the work to get clean yet he drags you into his messed.

in my opinion 2am phonecalls are disrespectful. Again, I repeat you deserve to sleep. I would and did turn off our phones from 9pm to 8am. Kay could only reach us during normal hours. After a while we told her only one call a day. We weened it down further. She was in her 30s when we did that.

Sink or swim Kay has to live her own life and we have a right to live ours. You do too.

Hugs!
 
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