Need support- heart broken

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
This is a good start. in my opinion it does no good to always talk to him and to give sympathy to a situation of his own doing. I believe your son is around 30. He should NOT be bothering his sister who is in college or you and your husband. It in my opinion will help you greatly if instead of pitying him, which is what he wants, you start getting ticked off that he won't do the work to get clean yet he drags you into his messes of his own doing.

in my opinion 2am phonecalls are disrespectful. Again, I repeat you deserve to sleep. I would and did turn off our phones from 9pm to 8am. Kay could only reach us during normal hours. After a while we told her only one call a day. We weened it down further. She was in her 30s when we did that.

Sink or swim Kay has to live her own life and we have a right to live ours. You do too.

Hugs!
 

runawaybunny

Administrator
Staff member
I couldn't take it tonight... again calls us expects us to stay on the phone all night. He said he went to the liquor store to get enough so he doesn't have withdrawals. Refuses to go to inpatient detox. Cries we are all he has... I am so pissed.. When he isn't alone and has a girl, we sometimes go days without a text now we are all he has.
I brought up God and well I had to hear how he doesn't believe in him or a higher power. How he has never answered him or he wouldn't be in this situation, etc.
I had to hang up. I don't know if he will get through this again. Sorry for so many posts
Hugs to you.

Sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Your life is meaningful.

He is an adult. You cannot heal him, he has to heal himself.

Maybe look into therapy. I did that when my kid was a nightmare and it helped, some. Made me feel less guilty and less responsible for the choices she was making.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
Just wanted to give a quick update...
His coworker invited him to visit her in Florida and since she is working from home he was able to take his keyboard, etc and also work while he is staying with her. She has family issues with her brother and was on the phone with him last night many many times. My son was blowing up my phone about it and how he is bored and has to sit around. He wanted to drink because he was pissed. Now she has a meeting after work today that she forgot and he will have to sit around until she gets done. It is the same old cycle.... he hates his life, why do these things happen to him, etc.
I sent him a contact number for a recovery coach in the area that said she would love to meet for coffee and discuss their program while he is there visiting. It would give him an hour out.... nope he won't make contact. Suggested he calls his sponsor and set up a zoom meeting while she is away, etc. I would bet he won't do a thing. Instead, blow up my phone about how his life sucks.
We are encouraging him to get help for his depression/addiction and he is refusing inpatient. Said he will go insane.... He is going that way now! He admitted it.
I get so angry and upset I just want to say 'Leave me the hell alone! You are going to be 26 years old! It is time to do something different instead of being hell bent on doing it your way!" He said last night in a text he may move to a city closer to us and work from home but needs a girlfriend... He needs friends and a structured living facility for a few months! That is what he needs. NOT A girlfriend so history can repeat itself all over again.
I had heard that when an adolescent takes their first mind altering substance that their emotional development stops at the age they were at that time. It sure seems like that with him. IS that something you all feel I can say to him? Ask him what age he took his first drink and tell him studies show that his emotional maturity stopped then so his emotional development is that of a 14 yr. old not 26!
Can that be changed?
My husband said about moving him home here but the more I think of that the more sick I get. He never listened to the rules when he lived at home so he won't if he comes back.
 

Nandina

Member
Trying, that is exactly what I told my son. Not that it made any difference, though. As per previous suggestions from your friends here, please just limit time on negative calls or don’t talk to him when all he can do is complain. You shouldn’t let him have this effect on you.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Trying, you are wearing yourself out trying to fix him, say the right thing etc. I've done it too.

Until he decides to change his life, there is nothing, literally nothing you can do to help him "get better". He isn't ready to take responsibility for his life it seems.

I think moving him into your home would be enabling him and he may stay this way forever. There have been some mothers on this board that have 40 year olds like that. I don't think that's what you want. I know I did not want that for my son and mostly for ME.

I don't know what the answer is but he is trying to get the cart before the horse. Unless he's mentally healthy, he probably won't have friends or a real girlfriend. I don't think many young woman these days want to be with someone that has an addiction problem unless they are an addict themselves. I'm speaking about my son here too when I say that.

I will pray for you and your son. When he gets sick and tired of living this way he will change. Don't let him take you down the rabbit hole.
 
I feel for you and what you are going through. It is very hard when trying to put boundaries into place. And it is not fair that we have to turn our phones off or the ring tone down when they constantly ring, just so we can get some peace. My friends and family always complain because they can't reach me on the phone. It is because I have it turned off because my son can ring me 20 times in one day, in a short period of time. I have an audio book on my phone which I like to listen to. It is about learning to detach. I due to my relapse with my son am going to start listening to it again tomorrow. I would give you the name of it, but I'm not sure what the rules are for this site, whether I am allowed to recommend self help books?
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
I feel for you and what you are going through. It is very hard when trying to put boundaries into place. And it is not fair that we have to turn our phones off or the ring tone down when they constantly ring, just so we can get some peace. My friends and family always complain because they can't reach me on the phone. It is because I have it turned off because my son can ring me 20 times in one day, in a short period of time. I have an audio book on my phone which I like to listen to. It is about learning to detach. I due to my relapse with my son am going to start listening to it again tomorrow. I would give you the name of it, but I'm not sure what the rules are for this site, whether I am allowed to recommend self help books?
Hopeful it's fine to recommend books on this site.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
I had be turning my phone on silent too and missed calls. I have it on now.
My son called this morning and said he wanted to go to treatment. Thank God the one he was at 2 years ago had openings.
We are hesitant that he is at the same rehab but he feels like he knows them and hates when things are uncomfortable... I told him life is uncomfortable sometimes and we all have to deal with it.
 
Hi trying to be strong, good to hear your son has decided to go to rehab. I mentioned above that I sometimes listen to an audio book while I'm washing up etc. it is called 'Let Go Now embracing detachment' by Karen Casey. I haven't listened to it for a while but plan to again since I have got caught up in my sons dramas again. There is no way I can convince my son of anything at the moment. I also have some books on my kindle I use to read about detachment and some Alanon ones.
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
So, he walked out of treatment after 1 hour... is supposed to leave for another one. Already called and said he don't think he is going. So in a few hours I have to say then our paths are not parting. He will lose his job shortly, then his apartment, he has no one but us now because his friend that is taking him to rehab said he is done with him as well.
I feel like we are pushing him in a corner and it will cause him to push back even harder.
 
Hey Trying,
Sending lots of thoughts.
The vital thing to keep in mind is that he is a grown man, not a boy anymore. The choices are HIS and so are the consequences thereof.
Trust me, I know how it feels when they make bad choices and want help to fix it. In my experience, it is better to direct them towards help from professionals, who do not have the emotional connection and therefore can assist appropriately.
Another thing to keep in mind and repeat to oneself is that you are his parent. And this has limitations and boundaries, and they are just fine to keep.
 
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