Need to get my thoughts out

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Awakening1990, Jul 16, 2019.

  1. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 Member

    I have a 29 year old son that has a pretty good drinking problem that has caused him a lot of problems and troubles for the last 10 years. Most of those ten years he has lived away from me in another state where he constantly finds himself in one crisis after another. His drinking problem is most likely a secondary problem to his anxiety and depression...all undiagnosed and un treated. He is currently in the process of his girlfriend leaving him and he finds himself in a temporary Airbnb and currently unemployed. I have not bailed out my son in a few years now but the fear and anxiety overwhelmes me at times like these and it is so unnerving. He has not asked me for anything, yet, but I know nothing has changed within him and now that this major loss is on his doorstep I can only imagine that he will turn to his only tried and true method of dealing with his emotions by way of drinking/suicidal ideations and hopelessness that will overtake him once again. As a mother it's too much to think about. I'm scared for him and I'm having a hard time releasing the fear so I can go to sleep. I guess I'm just writing this just to get my thoughts out there and that hopefully someone will be able to relate and chime in.
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm so sorry about your son and the stress he's putting you through. Will he agree to therapy or even pastoral counseling? He has to want it as much as you do. Until he wants it enough for himself, and not just for his son and you, he may not succeed.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Awakening

    Welcome. I have a 30 year old son with the same kind of history, suicidal ideation, poor coping, depression and anxiety which he handles through marijuana, to which I believe he is addicted. He too has gone from crisis to crisis and has been largely homeless for a number of years.

    I do know well the agony of your situation.

    The thing is this: Every day people stop drinking through AA. I know some of these people who transform their lives through deciding one day at a time, to change through following the 12 steps and seeking the support of other alcoholics to do so.

    There is no reason in the world that your son will not be one of them.

    Have you thought about going to Al Anon, (if you haven't already) for support and tools to handle your own grief and powerlessness?

    There is a mother who posts here whose son is an alcoholic and is involved with a program that goes by another philosophy, I think it is called "craft" or harm reduction. They will work with the alcoholic who is still drinking, and they will work with the families on how to best handle the situation they find themselves in.

    Take care.

    I hope you keep posting. You will find a great deal of support here, if you do. Others will come along in the morning.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Dear Awakening,

    I'm sorry for your situation too. I was married to an alcoholic for 30 yrs. and have lived through insanity on overload. I would also recommend Al anon. I remember one time calling a local rehab to discuss my sons addictions and to try to find out what I could do for him and mentioned..oh by the way I have an alcoholic husband. The woman on the other end stopped me and said to me..can you do me one thing if nothing else? She said, would you please go to at least one Al anon meeting? I dismissed her suggesting still wanting answers on how to fix "them". It took me another year until I walked through the doors of Al anon and still I thought they were going to hand me a list of things to tell me how to keep the alcoholic in my life sober. I was shocked when I learned the program was for "me" and provided tools on how I could cope and get better whether or not the alcoholic got sober and/or my son stopped using drugs. Also, just speaking with others (similar to this forum) you find out you are not alone in the insanity of it all and that believe it or not others are or have experienced (not identical but similar) the things you are going through. There is comfort in that. No one will tell you what you must do, it is a gentle program that if you work it you can derive a lot of wisdom, strength and hope from others that have survived or are trying to survive this horrible disease. Don't worry that you have to speak or saying anything. That is not a criteria until and or if you want to. Most of us when we first enter those doors silently cry and listen to others. Some of us can hardly tell our story without crying because it is so raw and painful discussing it out loud. We are so used to hiding these huge problems (or so we think) from family, friends, co-workers etc. But with time and support you will start to feel better. It is just a suggestion and you will go when you're ready but myself and others have said we wished we had the courage to walk through those doors a long time ago.

    Take care and keep posting.
  5. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 Member

    Good morning to all, I really appreciate all the feedback that I've read so far. I'm very familiar with 12 step recovery for I've been in it for years. I use the tools and suggestions to the best of my ability. I do have an alanon sponsor and she has a lot of wisdom that I take in wholeheartedly but she has never had children. She cannot understand the depth at which a mother feels for her child even well into their adulthood. I've had to deal with a lot of addiction in my family of origin and have been able to navigate those waters very well in terms of taking care of myself but it seems to be a whole different ballgame when it comes to my son. Detaching, understanding the connection between my enabling and my pain and the fine line between being a mother who is lovingly detached or wanting to do more than I should. My son has been in between jobs for the last 10 years not keeping one more than 6 months at a time and he has been homeless living in a homeless shelter at one point in time and has couched surfed for the last 10 years. I think part of the problem is that he hasn't had all the "YETS" yet...DUI or Jail... I have had many conversations with my son about drinking and what he has lost because if it. He knows where to find help in AA mainly because as a child he was in those meetings with me while I was getting sober. He really does know what to do and where to go to get help for his drinking but he obviously is not ready to do it. I keep coming back to this board to strengthen my recovery and be reminded of my powerlessness, that I'm not alone and that there is hope for my son to find recovery.
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  6. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Oh good. So glad to know you have program. I get what you're saying about detaching from your son. I have two sons, homeless and living in their cars. My oldest is 30 and the younger 26. I am trying so hard to detach with love but it is so different than what I had to do with the ex-husband (or at least it feels different). I enable and it perpetuates the ongoing problem. No one hits rock bottom because I keep "saving them". I know what I have to do it's just I can't quite connect it yet with my heart.
  7. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 Member

    Jaypee that is exactly the root cause for me too - I know in my head what I need to do but my heart doesn't want to allow least without some major sadness and despair. Thanks - that was good for me to acknowledge that out loud.
  8. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Hi Awake- My 29 year old daughter is an alcoholic too. She is currently sober and expecting her second child. I have no idea if/when the drinking will start up again after she gives birth. She has been in and out of sobriety for the last several years. I so understand your feelings of fear, dread, helplessness, hopelessness, etc. I have (and still sometimes do) experienced them all so many times. It is another layer of distress with grandchildren included. I have gotten pretty good at separating me and my life and happiness from what is going on with her. It took me a long time to figure it out and I still have my bad moments but I do much better. Detachment, whatever you want to call it, also helped improve my relationship with my daughter. I have a list of things I enjoy doing that I throw myself into when I start useless worrying- hiking with my dogs, coloring, going to a movie. And I am exceedingly kind to myself. I treat myself as I would a friend going through the same thing. Sending peace to you.
  9. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 Member

    Thanks for your support Eliz...I like the idea of compiling a list of the things I like to do and then picking one and doing it when I find myself obsessing. I usually just fly by the seat of my pants and it really just turns into a manic distraction for the time being. I need to actually do something that I can thoroughly be present for and enjoy. Yes, treating myself exceedingly kind sounds rather nice too.