Need to learn more about detachment

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Estela Gray, Jul 19, 2018.

  1. Estela Gray

    Estela Gray New Member

    I live with my daughter and grandson. She is 50 and he is 15. I can’t figure out how to make her understand that in order to support herself and her child she needs to work full time. I pay half of the expenses and sometimes more with my retirement money and there is never enough. I just learned that she spent a big amount of money I should have received from an insurance without telling me. When I confronted her, she just said she used the money on House needs and stopped talking to me. I live in a country where I can’t afford housing by myself with my own pension andI see that the only solution to this problem is that I move out. If I u derstand this, why I feel so guilty and depressed?
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,

    You might want to change your user name to something that won’t identify you, if that is your real name. It might be best to keep these things private.

    Your daughter will never learn to support herself as long as she can use your money.

    Did she cash a check that was in your name?

    Are there any public housing apartments or other types of supports available in your country?

    You don’t have to feel guilty about not supporting your 50 year old daughter. You have probably been doing this all your life, and change is hard. You need to do what is best for yourself, regardless.
  3. Estela Gray

    Estela Gray New Member

    Thank you for your response. It is not my real name. I am working on moving out. You are right, not all her life but since her son was born which is quite a long time. What troubles me the most is the stealing part. I have never denied them anything.Why take the money without telling? I asked her to refund it but she does not talk to me and I know she does not have it. She can barely cover half of our rent. The
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello EG and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here.
    I have been in a similar situation, trying to help my adult children and have had things and money go missing. It is a terrible feeling, hurtful and sad. I am sorry for your heartache.
    To state the obvious, your daughter is taking your generosity for granted. As you wrote, you are trying to make ends meet by sharing a place, but if your daughter can barely make half the rent, I bet you are also covering other expenses as well.
    It’s one thing to live together where there is mutual respect and help around the house, another if there is no respect and feelings of entitlement. That is how my adult kids misbehaved. It is a horrible thing to walk on eggshells and foot the bills, no communication and lack of trust.
    I am glad you are working on moving out. I hope you are able to find a place that you can afford. There is a good article on detachment on the PE forum page.
    When we are overly enmeshed with our adult children, we don’t know how to begin to set appropriate boundaries. My two would flounder, and I would put on my rescue hat, rearrange my house and life to help them. Things only got worse when they were home, they didn’t try to better their lives and I was miserable.
    They didn’t appreciate the help, took advantage of us, and were disrespectful. It was awful.
    I had to do something.
    So, I worked hard at self care, reading up on substance abuse and addiction (which was their issue) prayed a lot, built myself up to where I could set healthy boundaries.
    At first, it felt odd to say no, I had to shake off that voice in my head that I was being selfish. It was more self preservation. No one deserves to be taken advantage of or mistreated. Especially from their own adult children. We are not rugs to be tread upon.
    I hope you are able to find an affordable place, and grab your life back. We are at a time in our lives where we should be able to relax and enjoy.
    You are a grandmother who should be treated with kindness and respect.
    You matter, the rest of your life, matters.
    Keep working at detachment, stand up for yourself!
    You do not deserve this mistreatment.
    My daughters used the same tactics, they would not talk to me.
    It was awful.
    Take one day at a time and build yourself up.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    You are not the only one who has dealt with this. We understand how difficult it is.
    You are not alone.