Need your thoughts...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Mar 9, 2020.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Some of you know my story. Our son is 24 now and lives at home after being in rehabs etc. on and off for many years.

    He is in school full time getting good grades and works part time to pay his truck payment and incidentals. We still help him with car insurance and cell phone bill as his job is low paying. He has no other expenses.

    He is usually a pleasure to be around and he spends a lot of time with us. We all go to church on Sunday and then usually lunch and errands. Well I kind of drag the boys to church but they do go (son and husband). Son is very responsible with his truck payment and in general. Do have to count our blessings on that.

    Now this is the problem. Son really hasn't met any friends here - we've been here just over a year now. He is in his first semester at school and has mainly older people in his classes. Main class is a night class this semester. He had a guy at first job here that called a lot but son said he stayed home because he "didn't want to get into any trouble".

    He met a girl last year on a dating site. She is 27 and has a 7 year old daughter and lives with her stepfather (who adopted her but is divorced from her mother). Oh and her mother is schizophrenic.

    He dated her for several months - mainly her coming to our house once or twice a week - but knew he did not want to be a parent or marriage and made that clear to her. She got increasingly more possessive and controlling. She expected him to text her constantly and would get angry, for example, if he was watching a football game with his dad (and not texting) and jealous if he even called his truck a "she" (he washed "her" and "she" looks good). She would get upset if he didn't text when he woke up and within a certain time after work ended. He did go to her home for dinner a few times and met daughter and dad). She lives about 45 minutes from us.

    He never told us much but then started hinting to me that she was "psycho". This was a huge turn off for him but since he didn't know anyone else here and is shy and has anxiety, he didn't do much. I let it be, wanting him to "adult" and figure it out. Did say they had fun together but didn't like when she "got like that" but usually she was fine.

    Then when my husband was out of town (naturally) he decided he'd had enough and broke up with her. She started calling him 100 times per day (she works at a call center). Facebook friending him with fake people, texting, messaging, you name it. Took off work and put everything she had of his or that he gave her in a bag on our lawn. This went on for a few days and since husband was gone we were both pretty freaked out. Thought of going to the police but figured the first thing they'd say is to "change your phone number".

    I finally went and had his number changed and it all stopped. He was relieved but still worried she'd do damage to his truck that is parked in our driveway etc.

    He met a few girls through on line dating but nothing worthwhile and said he didn't want to do it anymore. Fast forward to recently. They are Facebook messaging again. He won't give her his new phone number. He's snuck her in a few times while we were sleeping. Says he's lonely. We actually let her come over last weekend which was not a good idea. Now he wanted her to come over yesterday. We said no way. She cannot come over anymore. Not starting up again. He blames us for him being lonely. Obviously that's on him but she is just easy for him. We are standing our ground.

    I told him that I don't want her to get hurt either. That I'm afraid she'll get pregnant or something on purpose. I also said that when he does meet someone special, SHE will run her off. He said he's not ready for that special someone yet. Either way not a good situation. She's a stalker.

    I feel bad for him but angry that he put me in this situation. Thoughts? Ideas?
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    He is 24. You can ban her from the house but I see no way you can stop the dating altogether. Yes, bad things in relationships can happen to adults of all ages. But we in my opinion can't get so far into our kids lives that we try to get them to break up with somebody. I really think it could backfire in a big way. We have to let them make their own choices. We have no power to do anything anyway. Not at that age.

    The only option that could work would be to tell him to leave if he wants to date her, but if it were me I would not go there. That would in my opinion cause worse problems.

    For many years you had to worry about your son's drug use. You were successful in getting him to agree to rehab. Most of our kids refused to go even facing grave consequences. So you did have influence over your son in a good way. I don't know if you would have any control over his love life. You know him best.

    Prayers and hugs!
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes thank you for your response.

    I guess I didn't really put into words what I was asking from the forum.

    We have told him that she cannot come to our house because we are not comfortable with her being around due to her behavior from when he tried to break up with her before.

    I don't think she is a bad person, but she has exhibited behaviors that I do not want to be around so do not want her in my home and I know he has no future with her (as he stated).

    I told him that he can do what he wants. He can go see her at her house or they can go someplace. I didn't give him any ultimatums because I wouldn't do that. It's important to me that he gets his degree so he can support himself and he is doing well in school.

    I worry that he will hurt her eventually and I worry that he will not be able to date anyone else because she will "run them off". All his choice. I know that. UGH.

    I just had a problem that he blames us because he is lonely. That isn't fair. And I feel guilty even though I should not. Just need a crystal ball I think.

    Just know that adult children at home isn't good and I look forward to the day when he can support himself.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Son #1 was in a similar situation with a "crazy woman," who was so upset when he told her to move out that she smashed her face repeatedly into the wall, then called 911 and said he'd beaten her up. When the police got there, Son #1 was calmly playing xbox and doing his best to ignore the screaming tantrum behind him. Fortunately, the officers believed him and helped "crazy woman" get her stuff and leave.

    They broke up and got back together several times, and I was always afraid she'd kill him while he slept. She was about twelve years younger and very immature at that. He swore off dating for a while after that, kept busy with work and spending time with Son #2, and now is in a relationship with a very nice woman, and they're expecting a baby this summer!
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  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think this relationship will burn itself out soon enough. He's going to be reminded of how miserable she makes him soon enough.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I sure hope so.

    Always afraid she will get pregnant on purpose ugh.

    We are building a rental home a few miles away (sold condo in Chicago so have to roll money over or pay uncle Sam) that will be ready in August and he would be able to live in it if he got a roommate but won't let him if she is still in his life. So maybe that's incentive.
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Incentives like that can work. I know two students whose fathers agreed to buy them new trucks if they broke up with their girlfriends. Those girls were bad for them and treated them poorly. The bribe worked. The guys got new trucks and are much happier.
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  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Students are up to age 21 though. I am not sure a 24 year old would listen. And in the long run, even if they break up, these kids tend to find one bad apple after another. Then what happens once the kid has the car or the house and a new scary partner?

    We used to buy Kay everything to keep her out of the house. In her case she did not take care of her places or cars and lost them all. She she never paid bills or cleaned. And she did not listen to the hands that fed her..

    On the other hand, this young man sounds a lot nicer than Kay. So maybe. Buying stuff for them is a crapshoot, but truly they are impossible to live with. They really are.i so get it.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well he does try to please us - thankfully - and we just had a long conversation about the ex and how they aren't even dating any longer but hang out and text.

    He knows she is psycho at times but says until he finds someone else to date or hang out with he feels he needs her company.

    He does not want a house with her knowing where it is either.

    So we are on the same page at least.

    He has another girl that he texts a bit and hopes to meet up with her soon.

    And my coworker has an au pair coming today. She is originally from Italy but we are going to see if the two of them can hang out also once she gets a bit acclimated here. She has been in the US for six months already so no Corona (lol).

    So I'm on top of it! My son is actually handsome - many say that not just me - but low self esteem and anxiety which is a bad combo.
  10. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    Maybe, some subtle comments or conversations with your son to instill confidence in him that you know he'll make the right decision. Encourage him and remind him that he's come so far and has a good head on his shoulders. Sometimes (as I'm guilty of it too) my conversations start out with telling adult sons what they shouldn't do rather than trying to build them up and remind them they're adults and try to let them know I have confidence they'll make good decisions.

    I agree with Crayola, hopefully he will in short time see that nothing has changed with her, not get too invested and be able to break off the communication without too much crazyiness.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes thank you.

    He had been drinking when I got home from work yesterday and I was not pleased. He had a class in the morning but his night class was canceled. I think that I had gotten him upset and he self medicated. Or maybe his ex got him upset because he said she was angry that he stopped texting the night before because of being tired. Either way, we talked about him getting back on Zoloft. He hugged me. He doesn't want to be dependent on pills to "feel better" but I think he needs to be right now - maybe forever, maybe until he matures more, maybe until he finds his nitch, who knows.

    He has only done this a handful of times since he moved home - thankfully - but it scares me and I told him so.

    It really stressed me out. I started out very angry but then realized that wouldn't really solve anything.

    Either way he has one more day of class before spring break and we all go to Chicago to see family and friends.

    This is not easy let me tell you.

    Asked God to show me how to give it to him and leave it in his hands. I need to know that.
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Your son is using and taking advantage of that sad, desperate single mother and giving her false hope.

    That is an extremely selfish thing to do....
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I can see how it may look that way but he has been clear with her that he has no interest in marriage, etc. right now. He is much too young. He has never misled her on his intentions. He has tried to get away from her. She won't go away.

    She takes advantage of his easy going nature and kindness is what is really happening. He is very naive to things because he has not had a lot of personal relationships due to drug use. He has been very kind to her and that is why she has all claws in.

    I was a single mother and I would never have dated OR let myself fall in love with a man that did not want my son around. We were a package deal.

    To me that is on the mother.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Just because someone allows you to take advantage of them doesn’t make it ok.
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Trust me if anyone is taking advantage it's her. He tried to break up with her many times and they did for a while. But she stalks him.
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I agree, she has some serious problems, and I am not downplaying them. If I was talking to her mother, I would be talking about what her daughter has done to create this situation and contribute to it, and I wouldn’t want to hear—but listen to what the guy did! That would be no excuse for her bad behaviors.

    She is out of control and needs professional help. I feel bad for her child.

    However, he managed to extract himself from the situation, then went back to it, knowing all this. We can no longer blame just her.

    I talked to my son long ago and told him that as long as he has no interest in being a step-parent (and he doesn’t) he should never even go out on one date with a single mother, because he would be giving her false hopes and taking her time away from her child(ren) and any other positive things she might pursue otherwise.
  17. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I feel like there are some boundary issues here. You get to decide who comes into your home, you get to decide whether or not to allow overnight guests in your home, but your son gets to decide whom to date - even if it is with someone unhealthy. He knows what he is getting into with her. For some reason he is not done with the lesson she provides for him. Whether he gets hurt or whether she gets hurt is up to them to decide and deal with.

    And you don't cause someone to drink or to stay sober. Whether you upset him or not, it is his decision whether to drink or not. Whether the girl upset him or not, it is strictly up to him to deal with his feelings and whether to do that with picking up a drink. It is his choice to be in AA or NA meetings or not to learn how to live without the use of alcohol or drugs.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree all up to him. I told him I'm done being in his business with women/dating. He considers his ex a friend because they rarely see each other so we will let that be.

    He needs to find healthier ways to deal with stress, that is definite. But I am guilty of that too.

    But he is still young and doing much better than he has ever done as a young adult and I feel hopeful that he will continue to make better and better decisions as he continues to mature. I have seen a lot of growth in him and taking one day at a time.

    We are all looking forward to our trip to Chicago tomorrow and seeing family and friends.

    Have a blessed and safe weekend!
  19. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    My son does not do well with relationships and i can look at this from the other side as well. When girls/wives break up with him he gets depressed and just keeps trying to fix it. Right now he is holed up in my extra bedroom not eating and just sleeping. This girl has dated him broke up dated broke up dated broke up. From this view if your son breaks up with her do it or don't but don't yoyo. Hard on your son and will probably make her behavior worse because he is not consistent.
    However he is an adult he has to deal with it either way. We want to keep them on the right path but need to step aside when it comes to romance. Prayers he makes the right decision.
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thanks Triedandtrue

    He says he doesn't consider them dating. I'd say it's more a friend with benefits. They mostly just text. He likes to have someone to talk to his age and apparently she likes to also. They rarely see each other which is a good thing in my opinion as I think she's very immature for her age and being a mother. I liked her until she got controlling and possessive. I have no use for anyone that is like that.

    I have to just let it play out. He is in school full time and working part time so doesn't have a lot of time anyway and I think when the right girl comes along it will fizzle out.

    Dating for anyone is hard because you have to be vulnerable and for these guys that struggle anyway, it can be a bad situation.
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