Needing advise

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by okie girl, Feb 6, 2020.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Haven't posted for a long while. My son went to prison and was released about 3 years ago. While he was serving his time, he met an amazing woman that was so caring and kind. When he was released, she let him stay at her home and was so good to him. She helped him get a pickup and he started a landscaping business. They were planning on getting married. As time went on, he started staying out and coming home late. He moved out and rented a house. The landscaping is very slow due to the weather. He is 48 years old and has called me to loan him money. I should mention that my husband (not his dad, his bio dad is deceased) and my son do not get along. My son lived with us years ago and he stole a gun and personal items from my husband. I love my son but i am so tired. He called me a few minutes ago saying he is overdrawn on his checking account and has no gas or food. I
    told him i didn't have money to give him. He makes me feel so guilty. Im so tired. I am 69 and this is taking a toll on me. Sorry for rambling. Any advice greatly appreciated
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Yes. You are a bit older than me. I am sorry that this mars our years that are supposed to be relaxing. I have a soft heart for us all.

    Both you and I have kids who are FAR from kids who still act like children and expect us to bail them out of trouble of their own making. I say you should finally cut it out like we did. How else will they survive when we watch them from Heaven? No, we can't live on Earth forever. They may as well get used to it now. I feel bad but I am also excited about the future with my husband and kind grown kids and grands. And I am focusing on that and I do feel guilty at times. But nothing will keep me from living my best life. My daughter has the option of doing better. It is on her now. She is 33 going on 12 but that is due to drugs. That is her fault.
    You will not be able to give your son a dime when you are gone. Nor I my daughter. We have stopped.
    You deserve amazing golden years. Maybe block your son from your phone. Maybe let him know that he is 48 and he has to live his own life from now on. He won't like it. Kay was mortified. But I did it for myself, to enjoy life, and for her to get a chance to believe that we can not hold her up forever.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you. Maybe join Al Anon or get into therapy. We do both. Hugs!!!
     
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  3. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    You did exactly the right thing not giving him money and telling him you had none to give. At age 48, you don't owe him a thing. Has he made amends for the gun and personal items he stole from your husband? Paid that back? It sounds like he had a good thing going with that woman who helped him after he was released, and by him staying out late and wasting the opportunity he had with her, stealing from your husband, and now him not having any money, I strongly suspect alcohol/drug abuse .

    Every dime you give him will feed his addiction or dysfunctional pattern ( if there is no substance abuse ) and will only prolong the inevitable. He will have to come to the end of himself in order to want to change and get help. Every penny you give will enable his dysfunction. Every time you say no, you are helping him. You are bringing him one step closer towards the end of himself . He has to hit bottom before he will want to change and get help .All his options have to run out.

    I would like to encourage you to seek help for yourself in Al-anon. Focus on you . Have some fun in retirement. Do what brings you joy. You raised him and he has all the inner resources he needs when he is forced to tap into them. Let his Higher Power work in his life which can only happen when you stay out of the way. You did well.

    Nobody can make us feel guilty without our consent. You have not done anything wrong. Your son is responsible for his life and for his financial affairs.
     
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  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Okie girl, I know you have been down a wicked hard road with your son now age 48. I know you are deep down soul tired and also worried about him and his failure to thrive. I too have an older adult child daughter almost 38 years old. I quit giving my daughter money when I realized that I was paying for all her partying and traveling. I thought I was helping her get ahead, I was lied to about why she needed the money and fell for it. I never would have done that to my parents so I was very uneducated about bipolar/borderline and how badly she could use me and not feel bad about it. Now if she asks me for money I just start making ape noises and act like a monkey. That shuts her up right away. She knows when I go into ape mode that there is no trying to get money off of me. Next time your son calls with his sad stories, and they can make up some real good ones, go full on into ape mode, bet it will be the last time he asks for money.
     
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  5. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    He has been into drugs. This is the reason he was in prison. He lives in another town about 2 hours away. He was arrested for drugs and goes to court next month. I'm so tired. He is following in his dad's footsteps. His dad died at 52. Thank ya'll for your replies
     
  6. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Newstart....I love your reply...you made me smile. I went ahead and blocked his number. When i do unblock him i will try this. Thanks
     
  7. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Yes, Yes, and YES!!!!!!
    When I read the posts about "kids" who are 35, 38, 42, 48, etc. it just makes my heart heavy and my head hurt. My daughter is 28 and I feel I'm at the end of a rope. I can not imagine dealing with these same issues at 48. I honestly don't think I could live to see that. I really don't. It takes a toll.

    Beyond that, how do I know I'm not IN my golden years?

    None of us know how long WE will live, or the quality of life we have left. I want to live NOW.

    Great way of putting it.

    I'm at the same place. My daughter has never been gainfully employed. So basically all her scrounging and scamming has been for her next fix and to patch her life together. She needs to patch it together because she lives in complete dysfunction (thanks @WiseChoices ;)).

    This is another good reason not to supply him with money. But the other reasons, as others said, is that he is a grown adult. If he wants money, he can work HARD, stop using drugs. If he still needs money, and has made amends... well then there's something to think about. But if his wheel hasn't changed... oh well.

    Enjoy your life!!!
     
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  8. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Hi Okie: I went through the same thing years ago with only my middle daughter. When I put a stop to her using my credit cards (even though she would pay me back) she stopped asking. I wanted her to learn how to open up her own charge accounts and manage them. I will be turning 70 in a week and even though I'm in good health for now, I just wouldn't want all of that put on me.Who would? I hope you can let go of the guilt even though it is hard to do and your son will start relying on himself.
     
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Okie,

    Sorry to hear that your well-into-middle-age adult son is back in trouble once again!

    The best thing you could do for him right now would be to suggest drug rehab. This might look good when he goes back to court.

    He can’t count on a woman swooping in to save him every time he messes up. He had a golden opportunity to start over, with lots of support and help from a woman who seemed to loved him, and he blew it. So sad. This time it is up to him. He should be proactive.

    I’m sorry it has come to this. I hope you and your hubby are doing well!

    Apple
     
  10. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    I always get support from all of you and appreciate it so very much. My husband will be retiring in about 18 months. We are planning on buying a RV and traveling. I have family in the Houston area and may just move
    I have lived in Oklahoma all my life. I have a daughter and her family than lives about an hour from me and a granddaughter and grandson( son's kids) about 3 hours from me
    They are grown so i feel like I need to go where it's warm. Thanks again for taking time to reply.
     
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  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Okie girl, your plan sounds amazing ♥️♥️♥️
     
  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Newstart, your story is mune. I am 69 and my Difficult Child daughter 41.

    Love the ape response. It lightens up the mood and still gets the point across. Hmmm, going to have to brush up on ape talk. Lol.
     
  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Oakie, I am 69, my Difficult Child daughter is 41. Her bio dad died from sudden cardiac arrest at age 55. My husband and I have been together for 39 years, so he has been her father figure. But, that doesnt stop her vile language toward us when she is plastered. We dont respond to her requests anymore. Someone said money only feeds their downward spiral. So true, and breaking the boundary is confusing to our Difficult Child.

    I do best mentally when I focus on reason and common sense. I fight the urge to operate from emotions when communicating. It takes practice, but it works.

    This excerpt from Radical Acceptamce really spoke to me and hope it helps you.

    LEANING INTO FEAR

    In a popular teaching story, a man being chased by a tiger leaps off a cliff in his attempt to get away. Fortunately, a tree growing on the side of the cliff breaks his fall. Dangling from it by one arm—tiger pacing above, jutting rocks hundreds of feet below—he yells out in desperation, “Help! Somebody help me!!” A voice responds, “Yes?” The man screams, “God, God, is that you?” Again, “Yes.” Terrified, the man says, “God, I’ll do anything, just please, please, help me.” God responds, “Okay then, just let go.” The man pauses for a moment, then calls out, “Is anyone else there?”

    The author, Tara Brach, says to lean into our fear. Acknowledging my body sensations, tight knots, etc., helps me deal with reality and takes the focus off of the story in my head that brought me there. Then I let go. I actually say I am letting you go with love and entrusting you to the loving arms of our maker. I then feel myself relax.

    Wishing you the best and encouraging strength you need during this pivotal time.

    We deserve to get enjoyment from our golden years.
     
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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Okie,
    So sorry for this latest chapter. 48? Ugh. My eldest will be 41 this fall. I have not seen or heard from her for a few months. Her choice is to live on the streets with a violent felon. She knows I won’t give her money or house her, so she doesn’t contact me. It’s not easy, but years of trying to rescue her was way harder. Recently my middle daughter went from jail to rehab. I bought her some necessities which turned into her calling for this and that, always something more. Then she ran.
    My two choose to live an unconventional life and do drugs. It seems to me that they shun the idea of having a decent home, saving for retirement and all of the hard work and planning for the future that goes with that. But, when it comes to their “emergencies” who do they turn to?
    Us, who are still working, or retired and living on limited income. Their parents, who in the case of my two, have berated, stolen from and blamed for the lifestyles they are choosing to live. Their parents, who have gone through heartache after heartache, watching their beloved adult child’s spiraling. I call it grieving the living. In my book, that’s harder than loosing someone in death. Death is final. This, is ongoing, grief reignited with each new macabre episode, phone call, or imagery of “what may be.” Grief that our own adult children would try to beguile us into becoming their prey, feeling entitled to our hard earned limited funds.
    Sorry, I appear to be on a rant because truthfully, I like you and most of us are over it. Well, for today that is. Such is the way of dealing with the reality of our adult children drifting with the wind.
    We can’t grieve forever over their choices.
    Then we are not living our own lives.
    I am glad you have plans to go on a road trip with hubs and live somewhere warm. You’re focus is in the right place.
    At nearly 50, your son should be self sufficient. Maybe even helping his parents. Wouldn’t that be a switch.
    Carry on sister soldier.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Okie Girl

    I agree with everybody else.

    Somebody very wise told me this: (to paraphrase) We can't take away somebody else's learning.

    Your son (as does my own) deserves to learn his life lessons. Or not. I have over and over again tried to shelter and guide my son. I am forced to face that I have only made it harder for him to learn, as I try to avoid feeling pain and fear and guilt

    I think you are handling this situation absolutely correctly. There is no doubt about that in my mind. I am glad you came back for a visit.

     
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  16. Barbaro

    Barbaro New Member

    Landscaping generally declines in winter weather, so he should have been ready for a decline in income.

    Maybe he should be doing some sort of seasonal work during the winter. I don't think I would have money to give either.
     
  17. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

     
  18. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank all of you so very much for all your replies. I appreciate all of you so much. It helps knowing I'm not alone. Ya'll are so caring and kind. God bless
     
  19. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    What a great group.

    If I ever speak with Kay again and she gets contentious, I may try the ape or another animal.i am not convinced I could do an ape . But I could bark like a dog or meow or even try wolf or hyena.

    The crazy part is that I am well known for keeping my cool and poise. If I decided to go ape or wolf or dog or hyena, I believe Kay would scream and run away! On the flip side, so would my husband and other two kids! And if my mother were there, she may have a heart attack so maybe not.
     
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  20. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Busynmember, When I first tried the animal thing I did the cat. But with the ape I can yelp louder and sound more crazy. My husband has done it with me. My mom gave me the idea to do it. My daughters conversations were so over the top that I was speechless and then answered her back with meows but could not sound crazy enough so I did the ape. It shocks her and makes her laugh at the same time. But it has defused many very toxic situations..She can tell when she has crossed the line with me because I answer her back with loud ape noises. She then says 'OH' and tries to get herself back on track. Telling her she is off track sends her into a never ending mania. Me acting like an ape makes her feel I am off track and putting the off track on me and then it restores her back to peace so much more quickly. God knows I have tried everything and anything and this seems to restore balance so much more quickly. Wish I would have done this years ago it would have saved my family from deep grief.