Negative Emotions

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by pasajes4, May 9, 2018.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My mother is now on hospice. I spend a great deal of time at her home doing what I can during this time. I am surprised at the amount of anger I am feeling. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking about this.

    My mother was a closet alcoholic for many years. Growing up my father was painted to be the raging drunk. He was the cause of all of her/our problems. In truth it was our mother who was a raging lunatic that made his/our life a living hell. He would take it for so long and then leave the house for a few hours. This would be greated with screaming and her physically attacking him. He stayed to protect us. Mother always presented herself as the victim. The community bought it.

    I feel like I was robbed of having a relationship with my father. She would not allow any of us to spend anytime with him without her being present.

    When my father was dying from complications of Parkinson's, she was so impatient for him to die, that she called a meeting with his medical staff suggesting that it was time to withhold life sustaining treatment. When it was pointed out that he was able to indicate his own wishes on the matter, she became livid.

    I realize that being in her 90's comes with it's own health challenges, but many of her health issues are a direct result of years of alcohol abuse. She is insisting that we tell anyone who asks that it is heart related. I can't do that so I don't say anything. Her heart is actually in better shape than people in their 40's.

    I just needed to vent. Thanks for "listening".
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Pas, am so sorry for your sad feelings which i had with the death of my father.

    Trust me, my mother made me feel cheated about my family relationships but I move on. The last of my connection to the few who are left, ended with Dads trip to his home in spirit. I loved my Dad and now I have no more reason to be in contact with my brother or lying very abusive sister. This brings me peace.

    I believe you will find more peace after Mom enters spirit. It is harder when they are still with us.

    Until then hang on. She was a sick woman. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    You do not need for lie for her.

    Love and light.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I have a friend who has a very distant mother and she is the one having to deal with her health issues. She is very resentful. I think it is natural to feel that way. It is sad that she was so difficult to your father. He loved you enough to stay and protect you. I am sure he is at peace now. I can understand your anger and admire you for forgiving her enough to help her now. Sometimes it helps me to write a letter i don't send just venting and saying what i feel to whoever i am writing to. May seem silly but it helps me. Hoping you find peace.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Pasa

    Sorry you are dealing with this. I think your anger is normal. My mother was also an alcoholic and died when I was only 15 and she was 54. I did not know at that time what an alcoholic even was but I knew that my life was not like that of my childhood friend and I chose to spend a lot of time with her and her family. Also I was the only child of my mother and father so it was somewhat lonely growing up.

    You probably feel some resentment and rightfully so. I feel that way too at times because my mother's alcoholism ruined my childhood and by her dying so young it changed my life by not having a mother to share my adult life with.

    In fact I don't think of this often and your post has made me think about it.

    I think it's great to journal here and be anonymous. Don't feel wrong that you feel this way. It's good to get your feelings out.

    My mother had a disease and I blame the disease for her behavior rather than blame her. When she was sober for long periods of time (exactly like my son; the parallels are frightening) she was a wonderful person and mother. It makes it easier to deal with that way.
     
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I had a difficult mom, too. Mot because of alcohol, but I am guessing she suffered from depression. As she aged, then from senility. She never did any mom/daughter things with me, no shopping for a new outfit, no taking me to get a haircut, did not watch any HS performances.

    I guess when the end is near, we realize we will never receive what we should have had all our lives. I think it's normal to have some resentment as we let go of the past and deal was the present situation of their declining health and mental abilities.

    I admire you for still doing the "daughter" thing...even when you didn't get the "mom" thing you deserved. Ksm
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind replies. I am taking a break today. It is becoming increasingly difficult to watch her continue to drink and spew her ugliness at everyone who crosses her path.

    Rn, My mother is even worse when she has had periods of sobriety. She is a very bitter woman. She puts on quite the act for her circle of friends. Truthfully I'm sick and tired of hearing that she wishes we had never been born so that she could have gone back to her rich family.

    I'm going to need a lot of therapy
     
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Pas, I am so sorry. I hear you. I needed years of therapy because my mother was so awful and she did not drink.

    RN, I am sorry you lost your mother at 15, but that does not mean that WE are not traumatized by mother's that harmed us our whole lives and were abusive. You can't know because your mother left you young. It's unfair in my opinion to expect abused grown kids to excuse abusive behavior for any reason. There is no excuse. Drinking is no excuse. Sounds like Pas just had a bitter, unhappy mother. Like mine.

    Pas, sending you love and light. You WILL heal and, yes, it takes a while.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2018