Never disinherit your kid

susiestar

Roll With It
You just inherited a bit of money. He will want some of it. He will think you owe it to him even though he has not acted anything like a son to you. He is a jerk and should be excluded from your will.

I hope and pray my parents' will reads "Being of sound mind and body, we spent every last penny having fun!" I know they won't, but I wish they would. I wish more families were like my dad and his brother and sister. When my grandma died there was one argument. It was about the house. My aunt had moved back home to care for my grandma rather than having her move into a nursing home. It was grandma's wish and my aunt was happy to do it. My dad and uncle had arranged things so that she bought the house for $1 before my grandma died. My aunt wanted this to be part of the estate, part of her 1/3 of everything. My dad and uncle disagreed. They felt that was totally separate from the estate. As usual, they ganged up on my aunt and she lost. When it came time to divide up the possessions (my aunt kept the furniture as part of the house), they each picked one item at a time until things were divided up.

I think that is how family should handle things.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
At the advice of our attorney, HE wrote "because Joe Blow is no longer in contact with us, we do not want him to inherit" or something like that. To spare my kids from having this burden, our attorney is in charge of our will. He is also a friend. I dot wNt any of my kids to have to be the exeutor.
 
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svengandhi

Well-Known Member
This post somehow came up on my radar again and I decided to read it all again.

I have one further comment. Sometimes, fair is not always equal.

People who are on benefits should not inherit money because if they do, it can sometimes be seized to reimburse the government for the benefits and, if it's a large enough amount, it can cause the person to be disqualified from receiving further benefits. IF you have someone in your family who is on public benefits and you want them to inherit, you need to see an attorney to determine if a special needs trust is appropriate as that can shield the money from lien holders until the death of the special needs person.

My mother in law has disinherited my sister in law. Primarily, the reason is that sister in law is on tons of benefits that are lienable and why throw money away. Secondarily, is that sister in law is a nasty piece of work who is abusive to her 90+ year old mom and spends every penny she has. H will inherit all, which is basically only the house she lives in. H and I have promised that we will spend a set amount on sister in law from the proceeds of mother in law's house. It is a promise of honor that we will keep even though sister in law is a nasty person.

As for me, I still don't see any reason to disinherit any of my kids, thankfully, but if I ever have grandchildren, I will set up 529's for them.
 

Dmb0145

New Member
Its not about the money. Your child will always feel like you never loved him or her and you wont be alive to explain. Although I doubt my mother would have ever wanted to explain. It was her slap from the grave.

I radically accept it but it has caused tons of pain.

A thread on PE prompted this short post. I think its important for us not to be as mean as our parents. Our children may not be perfect (although I think mine are...haha) but we love them and they need to forever feel that we loved them. Disinheriting is sadistic unless your child stole all your money or beat you. Special needs trust funds are different than disinheriting a child. I am not talking about that.
Just my heartfelt thoughts.
 

Dmb0145

New Member
Its not about the money. Your child will always feel like you never loved him or her and you wont be alive to explain. Although I doubt my mother would have ever wanted to explain. It was her slap from the grave.

I radically accept it but it has caused tons of pain.

A thread on PE prompted this short post. I think its important for us not to be as mean as our parents. Our children may not be perfect (although I think mine are...haha) but we love them and they need to forever feel that we loved them. Disinheriting is sadistic unless your child stole all your money or beat you. Special needs trust funds are different than disinheriting a child. I am not talking about that.
Just my heartfelt thoughts.
Its not about the money. Your child will always feel like you never loved him or her and you wont be alive to explain. Although I doubt my mother would have ever wanted to explain. It was her slap from the grave.

I radically accept it but it has caused tons of pain.

A thread on PE prompted this short post. I think its important for us not to be as mean as our parents. Our children may not be perfect (although I think mine are...haha) but we love them and they need to forever feel that we loved them. Disinheriting is sadistic unless your child stole all your money or beat you. Special needs trust funds are different than disinheriting a child. I am not talking about that.
Just my heartfelt thoughts.
 

Dmb0145

New Member
My mother disinherited me and passed just 2/8/18, I was a good daughter, great job, self supporting but anything I did was never good enough,left everything to my brother even though I helped taking care of her 2-3 nights spending the nights there away from my own husband and child, the pain I feel and the shame is unbearable and my brother sees nothing wrong with this & I want nothing to do with him or his wife who excluded me in the end from everything, funeral arrangements, everything, this is something I will never get over or never be able to forgive and although she was a horrible mother, my brothers an adult and knows how she treated me all my ife even after always staying by my mothers side, how can a mother do this to her daughter. if she wanted to devastate me one last time it worked. I have so many mixed emotions, still love this women; but how could I ? yet I also have so much hate and anger towards her i'm glad she's dead because I no longer have to be subjected to her constant put downs and mental abuse she has placed upon me all my life yet I feel so guilty for feeling this way because I know this is not the person that I AM yet I am tortured by what she did to me in the end yet I am the one who still feels so much guilt even though I was a wonderful daughter for the last 50 years. My only siblings my dad and brother who also passed just 3 years ago truly loved me and I miss them every day and my one last brother/sibling whose still living is just like my mother, cruel and heartless and sees absolutely nothing wrong with what my mother did to me and that's the reason I will never see him again!
 
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Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
If he is toxic and it sounds like he is then it is good to keep him out of your life. No matter how your mother treated you, you know that you were the better person. Walk away from your brother and take care of yourself. I am sorry your mother caused you so much pain.
 

Dmb0145

New Member
Thank you Tired mama for the response. You are 150% correct, toxic is right. I blame myself too because I was always the better person and quite frankly after 50 years of tolerating their behaviors because I didn't want to fight I do truly believe they took advantage of me not speaking up for myself all those years and when I finally did now I'm the bad guy. Thankfully I have a wonderful mother in law who truly loves me and I do feel is my real mother but I will forever be tortured that my mother could do this to me in the end. I don't want any money from her estate nor do I need it rather I never thought she could hurt me again like she always has all this years but this is the worst thing of all the rotten things she's ever done to me. I try and tell myself that GOD knows what's in my heart and I guess that's all that matters.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You were the Scapegoat. I was too. You had no chance of winning. Sometimes scapegoats over try to show we are good people by being extra kind. I tried sending my mom love letters and apologizing for all I ever did that was wrong to her although I had no idea what I had done that was so bad (and she NEVER apologized to me for anything) and I called her monthly and was overly kind. So she told my sister I just called to annoy her....lol. I was the Scapegoat. To a parent with a personality disorder, like my mom had, I was always bad, my motives were always bad and she was never going to think otherwise. Eventually, I quit trying.

My mother loathed me. Even if I had nursed her in my own home at the end, she would have put it down to wanting her money. She would have still slapped me from the grave. Everything good I ever did she demeaned as a bad motive. That would have been no different.

By the time she got brain cancer I knew it was best for me to let my siblings handle her. I never visited. At one time, earlier on, when she had a brain tumor she told everyone not to tell me about it and they didn't. She didn't really want me around. So I didn't go. I didn't feel bad about not going to visit her since she never ever asked for me the last time either.

When I went to her funeral I felt no grief. I had grieved her years before. She wouldn't let me love her and didn't see my kids at all. She disinherited me. It didn't surprise me but it hurt. My siblings didn't even call to tell me and never tried to find out if it hurt me or to console me. I needed them then but they plain didn't care enough to even listen to my hurt and pain. They never called to ask if I was okay. I sure would have if one of them had been left out!

Eff them. It was not about the money, there was little. It was that my mother loathed me so much she punished from the grave. And my sibling's cared nothing about my angst. It's not like I went after the money. I did not. It was the rejection from all of them.

Due to this and and my siblings enabling her abuse of me I won't see them again. My dear father recently passed and after the estate is done, I plan on sticking with only my beloved family of choice. My siblings can't hurt me ever again now that my father is no longer around to wish we can all get along. So I am free. I don't have to try to act friendly for his sake. Actually I think my brother is nice but he wasn't there for me either. And my sister has been a long-standing nightmare who lacks compassion. I will walk away. I don't believe my brother will get to know me again (we were once close) with my sister and me not talking. But I have to keep my sister away at any cost. The stuff she did to me you can read on the Water Cooler. I am too old to put up with that level of crazy anymore.

Try to do the same with your brother. You did your best. A family scapegoat can do no right. Roles are a family disease and not your fault. There is an appointed Golden Child and a Scapegoat to a parent who is narcicistc or borderline. These roles don't occur in healthy families.

Much love! Also listen to YouTube videos on family scapegoats and narc parents and their dysfunctional families they produce. . You will learn a lot and hopefully feel better. They greatly helped me.

Prayers and light!
 
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Dmb0145

New Member
Thank you so much for the reply which just brought tears to my eyes. Reading your reply feels like we are one of the same person, unfortunately who lived and experienced the same exact life with our moms. However, it also makes me cry because I feel I'm not alone during this very difficult time. She has only been gone 3 months so it's all so fresh, probate everything not them I'm included in any of that. My brother and his wife are just like my mother and I even his wife took part in the behavior all these years. My own mother was more my sister in laws mother than she was ever mine. Always putting me down the two of them, talking behind my back. I have since tried moving on and about every 3 weeks or so I get a very "vague" update from my brother on the probate issue. I wish he would just go away and leave me alone, it's like he wants to try and continue and take over where my mother left off in terms of the abusive behavior. I'm just hoping the copy of the will should be mailed to me soon so I can sign off/not contest anything and move on and be left alone. Thank god I have an amazing husband, mother and father in law who I feel are my real parents and my dad who loved me as well as my other brother who passed (both) just 3 years ago of cancer as well truly loved me and they would be rolling over in their graves. It's so embarrassing because people must think I was one awful person of a daughter. The wake/funeral were the worst. I had my brothers friends/in laws looking at me like I was the devil. It's just amazing that me having a 50 year relationship with my mother minus the last 4 months of her life apparently was all so irrelevant. I'm still waiting to get her letter from the grave I'm sure from my brother and I dread that day as well. One good thing I guess is I no longer have to be subjected to her put downs or insults no more but the pain is still unimaginable all the same. Love, health , peace and light to you as well. I am so thankful I found this forum today. It certainly has shed light on the fact that I am not alone :)
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
If it distresses you and has nothing to do with you, don't talk to him. At all. There is no point. He is being very insensitive and you are not obligated to have ANY relationship with him anymore.

If he asked for it, and I doubt he will, I would talk to my brother. He is never intentionally mean, maybe a little thoughtless. My sister? If she ever tries to so much as text me again I will warn her never to contact me again in any way then if she still does I will take out a restraining order. Maybe I will not get it but I will try.
Go to the Water-cooler and read my stories.bMaybe they will help you.

Love and hugs. I know exactly how you feel. One title of mine is about venting and the other starts "I Am Calm Now." I have been through so much with them.

The passing of my father makes me feel free to write my truth, even if nobody cares or reads it. I felt repressed when my dad was alive because I knew he basically wanted us all to get along and Sis would tattle on me if I tried to release my pain by writing here. See...I told her years ago that I post here and she reads e erything I write. I feel free now...free to be me and stop being quiet. Family scapegoating needs to be exposed so that young people don't suffer as we have.
 
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Dmb0145

New Member
Oh definitely done with him! As you know this is unrepairable in my eyes! Luckily I have amazing in laws. They are my real family and always have been! It's nice to talk to someone whose actually been through this. People say they understand how you feel but they cannot possibly unless they've been through it. Great chatting with you! Be well. :)
 

Dmb0145

New Member
Absolutely true! I cannot believe how much everything she discusses right down to the T is exactly EXACTLY what my family unit is like, from my mother to my brother. There were 3 of us children all together, me the scapegoat, my brother who passed the lost child, and my brother whose stll living the golden child and everything she talks about even how parents pit the children against one another is exactly what my mother did. It is so sad that any parent could do this to her own children and even worse even on her death bed she didn't care about the hurt and pain that she would leave behind, not just for me but for my brother as well who she put everything on! Don't get me wrong, he's an adult and should know better but still she did put him in the middle in the end as she did always but even that being said, he was just as cruel to me as she was in the end and again he's an adult now and should know better and even more so when he knows what she did to me, not just in the end but the last 50 years of my life, always the pleaser, never good enough, always the one at fault, no responsibility ever for her actions as a parent, as a mother! As you and I dicussed somewhere out there, it's something WE will never get over!
 

Dmb0145

New Member
Somewhere in Time I am also so sorry to hear of your dads passing! You and I certainly have lived the same unfortunate circumstances. When did you your dad pass? My dad passed last February, my brother 3 years prior to that and then my mom just this February. Like you my dad and I were very close. He truly loved me as did my other brother who passed. I'm sure they are both rolling in their graves as is your dad. So sad that are mothers have no idea the hurt and pain they left behind but one thing i'm starting to realize and you should too is that our mothers did NOT get the last word because all the bad mouthing my mother did about me, I am still here to rest assure people she was no mother so in my eyes "mommy dearest" as I refer to her did not get the last word as she so thinks! I know I sound bitter but again it's all still so fresh and I guess I am bitter but rightfully so but I also know the person I really am, one with a big heart and moral values unlike what I was taught, that being said we will get through this. We may never get over it but we will get through it. I hope you have a strong support system like I do because you will need that. Hugs to you
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Dmb,thanks for caring. You know what the unit is like. But it was different for me.

My Mother passed away many years ago. Her damage was to all of us, even though I doubt my sublings realize it. They probably blame my dad, who passed in August 2017.

But it was my mother who ran the household and my mother who handed out our roles. I was the Scapegoat. I was born getting under her skin. I saw the weirdness early and, unlike you, was not a good little girl. Bad from infancy to her. I had early signs of depression, anxiety, defiance and was ultra sensitive. I felt early on, way more than kids usually understand I think, that she didn't like me and I called her out on it and fought back. Not only did she hurmiliiate me and name call and belittle me, the kids at school did too. There was no sanctuary except...

My grandmother, my mother's mom, adored me. All her life we were very very close.Fortunately I had her until I was 37! My grandma favored me always, pretty much told me so, and my mother just hated me more because her mother tried to help me. I thank my grandma for my ability to love deeply and intimately. My brother, the golden child, was very close to me as a child too but he moved far away as an adult.

My mother never stopped her worship of him. And it was worship. I don't blame her for choosing him as her golden child if she had to have one. He is a very special, kind and brave person. Sick as he was, he never gave up or took it out on others. He still works full time! Many with his illness don't work. My sister was the.lost child who developed a lifelong eating disorder, even after she was able to get closer to my mother.

The family was never cohesive. My sister did not invite my brother to her wedding. He embarrassed her. He was too ugly in her eyes to let her sororiety sisters see him. This is the truth.But he wasn't ugly. He was sick. He had a chronic illness. My guess is that my sister figured out that if she wanted to be closer to our mother she had better make it right with her golden child so she apologized and probably said she was afraid he would die so she tried not to love him or some such untruth like that. I was there. Her main beef with him was that he embarrassed her in front of her cool friends due to his not being attractive enough. She made fun of how he looked and the like until she was almost 30. She not only told ME this, she told my mother! Often! But my mother loved him and fortunately she would never have told him. I am sure of that. As for me and sis, my sister was awful to me and then would come back when she wanted me again. I wrote all about her cops and cut offs on Water-cooler. I just can't write about it again. It's so absurd. And hard to keep explaining.

My Dad was absent, absolutely never home. I didn't blame him. Ever. Mother screamed at him more than me, belittled him etc. He would fight back, often meanly. She, in my mind, was most often the instigator. He loved her. But he wasn't exactly a nice man either and I couldn't count on him. He didn't care that my mother disinherited me. Probably gave it no thought. But there was no way HE was going to do it. He didn't have a favorite.

My parents divorced long ago. I always was thankful to my father for loving me even though he was not emotional about it. But I miss him still. Weirdly, I dream about him a lot and feel him around me....

That is my story in short. Dysfunctional families headed by people with personality disorders always have golden children, scapegoats and lost children. They lack the ability to see the unique wonder of every child and the roles set the kids up against each other. It is hard to be close when you are treated like crap but your siblings either blame you or do nothing about it and stand by the abuser and even deny it, although part of it is that they don't know the whole story and don't want to. After a while I resented golden child and he was rarely home where I lived so we were never close again. But I am sorry for that. He is a good person and he didn't ask for his role. He is still nice.

Usually these children grow up to have trouble with intimacy in relationships but fortunately for me I did not. I deeply love my husband and children, even my more difficult children. I have no idea if my brother had intimacy problems. I hope not. But he as far as I know he has never been in a long term intimate relationship. I hope he has been and I just don't know about it. My sister has an inability to have close intimate romantic relationships. I am not sure she allows anyone to know her inner core, even maybe not her kids, but I don't know. I doubt her closest friends know her deepest secrets. She is distant. She has masks...

I have a fantastic support system from my amazing husband and fantastic kids and am making strong friendships now. I hope the same for you.

I appreciate being heard, even by a stranger. I have thought about it more now that my father is gone. I have never had the option of being entirely free if I want to be. My dad who I still love dearly lived to be 93 and I had to try with my sister while he was alive. Now I can totally walk away. My father wanted us to all be close. We weren't but I felt I had to try when she would come back after she had cut me off for months or years. Now I don't have to feel bad about that. My father is in the spirit world now and knows more than I do about why this all went down.

It HAS made me much stronger person! I am independent and compassionate towards underdogs and really like myself now. I started out thinking I was terrible and rotten.... I have come very far.

I am sorry that you also knew this way of being treated. It's not fun. I hope you love yourself very much!
 
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Dmb0145

New Member
Oh my mother was absolulely 150% the main instigator ALWAYS, she would plant the seed then sit back and watch all the drama unfold between me and my siblings, and even though my brother the golden child until this day I think knows my mother was horrible to me, will still place the blame on me and defend her. I had to sit at her funeral mass and listen to him give a speech about how our mother was HIS HERO and how it WAS her way or the HIGHWAY and she was always RIGHT and I remember my husband looking at me while holding me hand and whispering in my ear, is he F'ING kidding me! If that wasn't a last dig at you at your mothers funeral I don't know what IS. I just chalked it up as enjoy it brother because this is the LAST DIG your ever going to get at ME because I'm done with you too! Everything you describe and I do mean EVERYTHING is my life! Mine was emotional abuse in adulthood but during my early childhood my mother would beat me and allow my brothers to beat the living hell out of me too and sit back and watch or they'd beat me while she was at work and then she'd come home and ask ME well what did you do!!!! REALLY! In fact she taught and allowed my brothers to play the role of my father once my dad and her were divorced. My father was a raging alcoholic but never put his hands on me, he was certainly NO role model but he never put his hands on me OR ever put me down, even though he was not there for me as a father should be I still knew there was a part of him that did love me and he did compliment me often even into adulthood and my mother I believe resented the hell out of that because he refused to take part in the abuse upon me! So in theory he was much smarter than my mother ever gave him credit for. I miss my dad unlike my mother. Like you, I grieved for my mothers love for years not after her death but I am still struggling with a lot of guilt probably because that is what has been instilled in me all these years but I'm working on it and as you know it takes time and it's not easy but I know I will get there. Like you, thank god my husband is amazing, very smart, mechanical engineer and me a paralegal and if the truth be told I think my mother was even jealous of my husbands education which by the way he worked his ass off for, In fact she was jealous of all the accomplishments in my life I truly believe that she never achieved. She never treated my husband right either. Always treated him like :censored2: and my first husband who left my son and I for another women my mother just couldn't praise my ex enough REALLY but then again this is coming from a women who had an affair with a married man for 40 years, in fact my brother was more concerned about her married boyfriend while on her death bed than the feelings of his own sister, yeah nice ha! No morals! They are so quick to judge me and they are so called Christians yet his mothers betrayal of hurting another woman with children was all OK. I could go on and on but this gives you an idea of the type of mentality I AM dealing with! The irony!
 
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