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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 760800" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Wow. I just read this now and my heart bleeds for you. Your daughters situation is so much like mine. She is now in her mid thirties but she sounds like your daughters clone. We also bought her places to live (never worked out due to behaviors and fighting with her worthless husband loudly and in the halls and outdoors too). We bought her three cars and she totaled all three. We paid rent when it was clear these two could never be responsible home owners. Ten years later we finally closed the Bank of Dad and Mom and she disowned us. She also gave their son to my other daughter to raise ( thank God). She never calls to ask about him but he is doing well, all things considered. I wish she'd get her tubes tied.</p><p></p><p>Life got better for us after I quit refusing to go to therapy and Nar Anon (zi didn't think I could tell anyone our story plus I didn't think it would help). But my husband and I were about to divorce so I gave in. Thank God! We are still together and learned to detach, living a good life even though Kay is homeless in a delapidated motorhome in Arizona, across the country from us. Her husband works for a pizza place part time (his go to place to work). Kay does not work, will not work. They both managed to get SSI which includes a food card and Medicare. I am grateful. She seems oddly happy living "outside of the rat race." I don't read her FB but cousins sometimes give us updates, although Kay lies so much that any updates could be made up</p><p></p><p>We learned in Nar Anon and in therapy that the best way to help Kay is not to help. And this is proving to be true. Nobody has control of how even a beloved child lives her life. We can only control our reaction to it and we chose to detach and focus on our marriage, our other kids, our dear friends and God. We semi retired from our business and we take as much joy from life as we can. We move into love, not chaos that we can't control. I go to therapy and Nar Anon as they really help me remember to take care of the only person I can control....me.</p><p></p><p>Early on we were not brave and thought we had to save Kay. The more we did it seemed the more she expected, the less she would try. After Jaden came we helped more....for him. She only wanted him as a meal ticket from us. That's another story.</p><p></p><p>Kay is a actually doing better now than she did with us enabling her. At least they both got on SSI and have some money, food cards and Medicare. Kay forever raves about being happy without having "societal expectations " Do I get it? I never will. But it's her life. I don't have to understand it.</p><p></p><p>Wise words from Nar Anon that took me a while to accept: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't CURE it. Now I believe. My other kids are fine. Something about Kay is the reason she is like this. We did not being her up to be homeless, not work and get high. Neither did you raise your daughter to be how she is. And we can't control or cure it. by the way, your family doesn't understand. I would stop sharing or accepting their "help " They are not any more sure of what to do than we are. My Nar Anon sponsor is now my best friend. She gets it.</p><p></p><p>If God is in your life try handing your daughter to Him.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and love.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 760800, member: 23706"] Wow. I just read this now and my heart bleeds for you. Your daughters situation is so much like mine. She is now in her mid thirties but she sounds like your daughters clone. We also bought her places to live (never worked out due to behaviors and fighting with her worthless husband loudly and in the halls and outdoors too). We bought her three cars and she totaled all three. We paid rent when it was clear these two could never be responsible home owners. Ten years later we finally closed the Bank of Dad and Mom and she disowned us. She also gave their son to my other daughter to raise ( thank God). She never calls to ask about him but he is doing well, all things considered. I wish she'd get her tubes tied. Life got better for us after I quit refusing to go to therapy and Nar Anon (zi didn't think I could tell anyone our story plus I didn't think it would help). But my husband and I were about to divorce so I gave in. Thank God! We are still together and learned to detach, living a good life even though Kay is homeless in a delapidated motorhome in Arizona, across the country from us. Her husband works for a pizza place part time (his go to place to work). Kay does not work, will not work. They both managed to get SSI which includes a food card and Medicare. I am grateful. She seems oddly happy living "outside of the rat race." I don't read her FB but cousins sometimes give us updates, although Kay lies so much that any updates could be made up We learned in Nar Anon and in therapy that the best way to help Kay is not to help. And this is proving to be true. Nobody has control of how even a beloved child lives her life. We can only control our reaction to it and we chose to detach and focus on our marriage, our other kids, our dear friends and God. We semi retired from our business and we take as much joy from life as we can. We move into love, not chaos that we can't control. I go to therapy and Nar Anon as they really help me remember to take care of the only person I can control....me. Early on we were not brave and thought we had to save Kay. The more we did it seemed the more she expected, the less she would try. After Jaden came we helped more....for him. She only wanted him as a meal ticket from us. That's another story. Kay is a actually doing better now than she did with us enabling her. At least they both got on SSI and have some money, food cards and Medicare. Kay forever raves about being happy without having "societal expectations " Do I get it? I never will. But it's her life. I don't have to understand it. Wise words from Nar Anon that took me a while to accept: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't CURE it. Now I believe. My other kids are fine. Something about Kay is the reason she is like this. We did not being her up to be homeless, not work and get high. Neither did you raise your daughter to be how she is. And we can't control or cure it. by the way, your family doesn't understand. I would stop sharing or accepting their "help " They are not any more sure of what to do than we are. My Nar Anon sponsor is now my best friend. She gets it. If God is in your life try handing your daughter to Him. Hugs and love. [/QUOTE]
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