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Substance Abuse
New here. 23 yr old son, a familiar tale, I'm sure.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 761070" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>There is a lot of overlap in our stories. My son and I were very close. It was so hard for me when he pulled away, and began to talk to neighboring women about me. I felt so betrayed. I not only had to deal with feeling the loss of our relationship. I felt as if he was deliberately hurting me by withdrawing to other mothers. It felt to me like he was rejecting me as a mother.</p><p></p><p>The thing is this. Many, many adult children have to do the same. Oftentimes the closest bonds between parents and children are the hardest for them to deal with. They have to push away that much harder in order to individuate. To feel that they are their own people.</p><p></p><p>You see, what we are dealing with here is OURSELVES. We come to mirror what they are doing. If they are in distress, we come to be distressed. Our lives come to be a mirror of their functioning, their blocks. We cease to be independent, functional people---and instead become dependent upon their thriving, so that we may function. We come to live through them. And because we feel they've crashed and burned, so do we.</p><p></p><p>The minds that need to ease, are our minds. Our sons are in charge of their own minds, their own welfare, their own money, their own education, their own addictions. Etcetera.</p><p></p><p>And we are in charge of ours.</p><p></p><p>I believe that this is the single most important role of this site. To help us realize that our children's problems are theirs and our lives are ours. And to the extent that the boundaries have become blurred, to restore boundaries and to help us restore our lives. </p><p></p><p>I believe that we can once again have healthy relationships with our children, when we come to grips with how our own thinking and acting has become distorted and dysfunctional. The ways parents handle this are varied. Some go to Al Anon groups. Others go to psychotherapy. Others need to limit contact with their children and focus on what and where they feel healthy and whole in their lives.</p><p></p><p>But the fixing that is necessary is in US. Fixing us. By focusing on our own self-care and lives, and our own thinking.</p><p></p><p>It is terribly painful. I will be the first to say this because I have lived it. In my own case I have come to see how much <em>my distress</em> about my son was actually dysfunctional. The pain I experienced about HIM, was actually pain I felt about myself and my life. When I came to grips about this distortion, was when I began to be able to deal with my own suffering and let him deal with him. Only then did a mature relationship with him become possible, because I was no longer dependent upon his functioning well--in order to feel okay. </p><p></p><p>Welcome to the site.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 761070, member: 18958"] There is a lot of overlap in our stories. My son and I were very close. It was so hard for me when he pulled away, and began to talk to neighboring women about me. I felt so betrayed. I not only had to deal with feeling the loss of our relationship. I felt as if he was deliberately hurting me by withdrawing to other mothers. It felt to me like he was rejecting me as a mother. The thing is this. Many, many adult children have to do the same. Oftentimes the closest bonds between parents and children are the hardest for them to deal with. They have to push away that much harder in order to individuate. To feel that they are their own people. You see, what we are dealing with here is OURSELVES. We come to mirror what they are doing. If they are in distress, we come to be distressed. Our lives come to be a mirror of their functioning, their blocks. We cease to be independent, functional people---and instead become dependent upon their thriving, so that we may function. We come to live through them. And because we feel they've crashed and burned, so do we. The minds that need to ease, are our minds. Our sons are in charge of their own minds, their own welfare, their own money, their own education, their own addictions. Etcetera. And we are in charge of ours. I believe that this is the single most important role of this site. To help us realize that our children's problems are theirs and our lives are ours. And to the extent that the boundaries have become blurred, to restore boundaries and to help us restore our lives. I believe that we can once again have healthy relationships with our children, when we come to grips with how our own thinking and acting has become distorted and dysfunctional. The ways parents handle this are varied. Some go to Al Anon groups. Others go to psychotherapy. Others need to limit contact with their children and focus on what and where they feel healthy and whole in their lives. But the fixing that is necessary is in US. Fixing us. By focusing on our own self-care and lives, and our own thinking. It is terribly painful. I will be the first to say this because I have lived it. In my own case I have come to see how much [I]my distress[/I] about my son was actually dysfunctional. The pain I experienced about HIM, was actually pain I felt about myself and my life. When I came to grips about this distortion, was when I began to be able to deal with my own suffering and let him deal with him. Only then did a mature relationship with him become possible, because I was no longer dependent upon his functioning well--in order to feel okay. Welcome to the site. [/QUOTE]
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New here. 23 yr old son, a familiar tale, I'm sure.
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