I have an 11 year old boy who's been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder, thinking disorder, attachment disorder, mild obsessive compulsive disorder, and schizoid personality disorder. My story is elsewhere. He's a very polite, passive, seemingly helpful bright boy, who takes weapons to school (4 times, arrested for felony 3 times), throws away his shoes and uniforms, lies, lies, lies, won't do home, 'disappears' things (bikes, clothes, books, electronics), stands all night in the dark staring at a wall (has stopped doing this because we went to bed and let him, but he did it for about a year), refuses to participate with the family, but does participate with outsiders, occasionally self harms, on at least one occasion drew a scary picture murdering his family with bloody jagged knives, etc...
But he's very polite and helpful. No OPEN defiance, no temper tantrums.
His probation office has started talking about residential treatment for 4-5 months. The last therapist he saw saw him a couple times and also recommended residential, but the one she recommended said they couldn't help him (he was worse off that they usually take). The CPS officer (he also likes to accuse of us child abuse hoping to make us go to jail) after giving us hell (the forensic abuse doctor said no abuse had occurred so she didn't have a case, but gave us hell anyway) ended up reminding my husband he has a right to spank. The cops have recommended spanking.
His biological mother is psychotic bipolar and spends about 10 months a year in psychosis and gets Baker Acted about 3 times a year. Right now she's walking the streets of West Palm Beach homeless and shouting racial slurs. Her two brothers are both schizophrenic. Before my husband got custody at age 3 and a half, our 11 year old had been in three foster homes and taken into protective custody six times in three states.
Because he's so nice, everyone excuses him and is easily fooled. He counts on this. He devised his own kidnapping and has run away, not to escape, but to get people stirred up on two or three occasions (he always goes where he knows he'll be found).
He's been in therapy since about age 4, had psychiatrists, counselors, university programs, social workers, probation officers, family therapy, individual therapy, etc... Nobody can help us. They shake their heads regretfully and say good luck with him, he's sure a bright boy.
This year my husband put him into a military school where he comes home every night, not a sleep away school. It started with a relatively mild scared straight summer camp, then a horrendous wilderness weekend (heads shaven, non stop exercise, only about 6 hours of sleep all weekend, and two baloney sandwiches all weekend).
He's his second week into the school year which begins with a 15 week boot camp. And already he's gotten himself into big trouble by not turning in homework and throwing away the uniform they gave him. He's know in 'Exclusion' which means separation from the group (altho a lot of kids are in Exclusion right now) and carrying rocks in a milk crate back and forth all day long. It makes him cry when he gets home and he hates it, but HE STILL WON'T FOLLOW SIMPLE RULES.
It's a battle of wills, this 11 year old against society (represented by the school), and he's determined to win. He doesn't care how much pain or misery he has to endure, he's not going to let them be his boss.
I am dumbstruck by how stubborn he is. We NEVER could have had this level of follow through and consistency. And even though it seems to us borderline abusive to us, he's still hanging tough and still won't give in. I guess it's worth it to him. It's just shocking that he's so determined.
The program is funded by the State for ESE students with conduct disorders, and it's our boy's last stop before he's put into the juvenile justice system (altho FL doesn't keep kids in, it's a revolving door, unless they rape or kill, one to six months in, house arrest thereafter). His probation officer told him straight out: You will not last a night in there.
I don't understand what's wrong with him. But a part of me is a bit relieved. He's so consumed with his battle of wills at school he's not messing much with us at home. For the first time we have found experienced people willing to tackle him, and are shocked by how hardened he is to outside influence; we didn't know it was this bad.
I know a psychiatric hospital is a totally different experience, but I told my story because I understand how hard it is to deal with a boy so young. No one believes the problem is HIM, they think it's your parenting. No one thinks a CHILD, and 11 year old can be so disturbed, especially if he's charming and polite most of the time.
Also there are so few resources, so few people who can help. Unless medications help, or simple behavior modification, NOBODY seems to know what to do.
Good luck to you and your son, let us know what happens.
signed, the Wicked Stepmother
