Dismiss Notice

Hi Guest. I just wanted to let you know that there will be some service disruptions here over the next few days. We're moving to a new server and then the latest version of xenforo is going to be installed. ~ cheryl

New Husband's daughter making me unwell.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Bearsmom, Jun 12, 2019.

  1. Bearsmom

    Bearsmom New Member

    Hello, I am at a crossroad, and have nobody to talk to about my situation.
    I have been with my husband 3 years, he has 4 children. One of them has in the last 9 months, brought us almost to the breaking point.
    She is 30, formerly self reliant, formerly married and seemingly stable. Her wife left her very suddenly last Sept, and she has basically turned into a lying, manipulative,verbally abusive terror. She claims that she has dementia, which I have experience..lost both parents to it. I, however feel 95% sure she is on meth. She is completely erratic. Won't get a job, and expects everyone to hand her money. We have helped her with thousands, which she blew on hotel rooms, saying she was on a "journey"My husband keeps bringing her home to help her, and she wigs out and says foul things. She demands money cars etc. She just stayed with us for 11 days of pure awful. We fed her and put her up in our RV she weighs 83 pounds and she is 5'3", all the food we cooked, she left rotting in bowls in the cupboards and threw food and plates with silverware in the garbage.

    He took her to buy a 2 thousand dollar car. As soon as she came back I saw her loading up, she then left for 24 hrs. Came back next evening all angry and nasty, and left. Next day we noticed things missing including a flat screen TV. My husband told her he was done with her, but he takes groceries to her, I am having issues with him folding and being so naive. I feel unwell around her afraid to tell hubs that I don't want her around.. sorry for the novel.
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Just want to say that I can relate in my own way. My wife has two mentally ill sons and I completely disagree with her on how to support them as they struggle through late adolescence. I don’t believe in coddling. Helping yes, coddling and enabling, no. My wife being the mother, of course is looser in her expectations. It is very hard.

    Keep posting, this is a wonderful community.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Well this sounds like a horrible situation. I'm sorry you're going through it. Have you had an honest discussion with your husband about your suspicions of drug use by his daughter? That's where I would start. I would also let him know that her behavior is negatively affecting you and tell him what you would like to see happen. Be as kind as possible as it sounds like he is in a bad place himself. Maybe together you can work out some boundaries to enforce with his daughter and support one another in the process. If you decide to do this you have to set boundaries with her about behavior and consequences. I would write them out, go over them with her and have her sign them. Things like- if you become disrespectful or yell you may not be in our house. If you steal from us we will call the police. We will not give you any cash. If you stay in our home you need to have a job in 2 weeks. Once you set those boundaries you must follow through on them. It is hard at first and she will likely up the ante to test you.

    Once you have a talk with him if he is not receptive then you are going to have to focus on yourself and maintaining your health and sanity. If I were you I would let him know (if he doesn't plan to enforce boundaries) that you do not want her staying in your home and if he lets her you will stay elsewhere. I would also let him know you will call the police if her behavior is threatening or if she steals anything from you. Sending peace to you. I know you are in a difficult spot.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Does she have insurance? Your husband needs to convince her to get into rehab. If she won't go, there is only so much you can do. Helping her hasn't changed anything. If it really is dementia, I have never heard of that happening to someone who is thirty, unless there was a head injury.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. Bearsmom

    Bearsmom New Member

    Thank you all for the support. I appreciate all of you. She has a trailer on a 5 acre piece of unkempt land, that our friend owns, he knows her situation and just asked that she do yard work to stay there(thank goodness) But she calls with demands. "Daddy, I need water, candy, cereal, cigarettes, even tampons..sorry too much information He loves her, and sees her as the girl she once was, and it's hurting him, so I get it. But she won't even go apply for snap or do her laundry at the laundromat 2 miles away..I will not have her under my roof ever, as we are middle age and I right now am still fit enough to defend myself, but in 10 years I dont know. There is no peace for me with her around, keeping my things on my person, and constantly feeling paranoid myself. Constant nausea and anxiety for me. No she has no insurance& Dad won't accept the drug idea, eventhough it is pretty apparent to me with the weight loss,face sores,psycotic behavior, lying, stealing, foil bits everywhere and she smells of it. I just keep praying that he finally sees it. Uggh. I am detaching somewhat and taking care of myself so I can be kind to my hubs and hopefully explain this in a loving way.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    What about seeng a counselor together to try to find a middle ground? I think you are seeing the truth, but dad doesn't want to connect all the dots.

    Maybe she can suggest ruling out drugs by having her do a drug test? It would be best if the counselor would suggest the test before giving her cash, to make sure she isn't spending it on drugs.

    Make it clear that you want him to be able to help in healthy ways but not enable her bad behavior.

    Good luck...it is hard to set boundaries for yourself, and even worse for a spouses child. Ksm
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I believe the first step is as you have done, the setting boundaries in your home and around you and your things.

    With what you have described she is abusive, lies, steals, and is not functioning within the normal spectrum of adult behavior. In this society when that happens, people go to treatment, or get some other kind of help. That she chooses not to is her right, but that does not mean that you (or anybody else) has to deal with her. You are right.

    You support your husband by insisting that your home and relationship be safe. By doing that you support him to gain strength and perspective on this impossibly sad situation. All of us differ in terms of our ability to set limits and to maintain them, and how we define essential limits, and how these evolve. He will do this as he can. There is no other way.

    You are in the process of accepting that you deserve to have limits, and the sense you have a right to impose these in your relationship with your husband. I know you know that you have the right to say "no," but there has to be a part of you that feels somehow that you are wrong. Or else, why would you be suffering and ill? To understand something intellectually is not necessarily to accept it in your gut. And there is the conflict about wanting to support your husband, that he not suffer. All of this is horribly hard.

    I think your husband in his heart of hearts may be aligned with you in what he wants. But may not have the strength to follow through. Yet.

    I have an adult child too that does not live as I would like. There is nothing that gives me peace. I hate it when he's gone and I hate it when he's here. Each is its own exquisite agony. But I am able now to make him leave when he crosses boundaries that have been agreed upon. And more and more he is accepting that he must leave if he does not do as agreed upon. (Although he sees this more like a child sees consequences. Not as an adult who makes a commitment and takes responsibility to meet it.)

    Question: What are the foil bits? Is it to smoke the stuff? If there is drug paraphernalia around, how is it that your husband refuses to see this for what it is? And the face sores. In my experience, when those show up, it indicates a serious level of use.

    Does your husband understand the peril she is in? Does he understand the peril anybody around her is in, by being around her? If she is using meth she is an accident waiting to happen. In terms of who she associates with, what she does, the law, and what happens.

    Yesterday, there was the third house fire one house down from where I have a rental caused by meth-using homeless people that have overrun the place. This time the fire seemed to be related to a fight between two women. The first one somebody torched the gas main. The danger continues even though the city turned off all of the utilities to the house.

    I echo what the other poster said, KSM, I think, that the idea of counseling makes sense. While everybody on this forum would understand what your husband is going through, he may need help. Maybe the best thing for you is going to turn out to be the best thing for him. Which is support, open communication and a plan on how to confront this situation together. Maybe a counselor could help explain to your husband what he is seeing with his own eyes but cannot "see."

    Meanwhile, he is very blessed to have you. Dealing with this alone is very hard. Take care.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2019