I woke up this morning from a huge nightmare. I dreamed my son really did not die, he was just staying at another house because our home did not work out for him, in reality he would be going on 37 but in my dream he was 11. The woman he was with said he could not see me yeterday because he got a new xbox and stayed home with it. I felt overwhelming guilt over not being able to make things work at home with him and I hugged him and cried and cried. I woke up sobbing. He died 23 years ago this month and he was a good kid, loved living here, was kind and respectful. I think his death, and death month, my daughters grief all got mixed into my dream and caused a major nightmare. I think I am grieving because I have put in so much work and energy into getting my daughter on the right path and she still chooses the wrong path. In my dream I kept thinking 'why does my son not want to be family with us? I had to do a lot of letting go, still trying to hang on to my son after he died..It was hard to accept and double hard since he was a great kid with goals, compassion, kindness and loved us so deeply and dearly. Daily I read the detaching post.. I read it, soak it in, study it, store it into my heart, think of ways I can use it immediately and go from there. My daughter came over yesterday. She looked horrible, manic and unbathed. I was trying hard to be compassionate. I pulled two chairs into the sun and asked her to come have some sun healing with me. She was distant and talked nonstop politics and other worldly stuff. I sat and prayed for her while she made noise that made no sense. She said that she wants to go to Church as a family for Easter and Holy Thursday. I looked at her hard in the sun, she looks like a completely different person, even her ears are different, her weight is distributed odd and she has a shape I do not recognize. Years ago she had a problem with being way too thin and now she can stand to lose about 15 lbs, I have never seen her ever get that heavy, I tell her she is beautiful because I would rather see her with weight than too thin. I try hard to make my words up lifting and kind. She does push me often where my words are harsh and awful, I do not want to be a person that talks that way to another person ever but she has pushed me there and beyond. I think my sons grieve and the grief my daughter puts me though on a regular basis is over whelming for my system and that is one of the reasons healthy detachment is in order and one of the reasons I had such a nightmare. I think working on detachment is hard and since I am the mother to a dead child it is double hard. Even though I understand that it is very hard, I still understand and instinctivly know it is good, right and the only way I will get peace. I did not cause her to be like she is, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.