Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, May 29, 2019.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Things have been going ok for a little bit with my 37 year old daughter and her 43 year old boyfriend . Our neighborhood has a large Memorial Day party each year with a live band and cook out. I volunteer to help each year, cooking, cleaning, serving. My daughter has been volunteering with her dad and me for many years. This year she brings her boyfriend. I said hi to him three times and he looks right through me. I think to myself ok what have I done? Since I have not seen him in a while and the last time I saw him we left on ok terms.
    I tell my daughter how he is ignoring me and she said 'his behavior towards you is unacceptable' then he starts acting irritated and odd, clearly he is having bad day. I know the problem is within him. Even though I know this, it hurt me to the bone. When I went to bed I had a nightmare that my daughter, her boyfriend and I were driving in a truck, we all were in the front seat and he tried to drive the truck into a fence in the field. I woke up in a cold sweat and dreamed again the same dream except the field and fence were different. For the sake of my own mental health I have to close my relationship with him completely.
    I really have tried to see the best in him and I saw an improvement but this last crap that he pulled will be the last. It was more than him just ignoring me, it was his awful behavior the rest of the time they were at the party. Both of them together is the worst ugly mess. Both are the last born (babies) in the family and it has taken forever for both of them to grow up. I have had other sad things happen this week but his behavior towards me hurt worse than all the other stuff.. I guess it is because I want a workable relationship so desperately. I want harmony, fun and laughter.. Today I know deep in my heart that I will have to cut all ties with my daughter's boyfriend. I will not allow him in my presence anymore. I know that in any relationship the are ebbs and flows sometimes more so on some days but with my daughter and her boyfriend the ebbs and flows turn into peeks and valleys. I am concerned for their safety. NEVER would I be with a man that would treat my mother like her boyfriend has treated me.
    I don't care if it is called bipolar, autism, evil, borderline or what ever it feels evil and I have no time or patience for it. I am just deeply grateful that I married an intelligent, hard working, good providing, honest, decent, stable man. To me he is good looking, he looks like Hugh Jackman plus he works out so he feels good. I guess I just desperately want this for my daughter. I want her to have a man that can move them both ahead as a couple and do healthy things instead of taking CBC oil and watching stupid movies all the time or fighting. And what can I do about any of this? NOTHING. I know the magic word is Detach. I guess detaching is even harder when things went smooth.

    My bipolar mother in law was nasty to me. That relationship kept me off balance. It would have been best if I just got off completely. I never wanted a rocky relationship with my daughter's boyfriend. I promised myself that I would never treat any daughter in law or son in law awful in anyway. I have tried, I have tried hard. It is time for me to cut all ties with my daughter's boyfriend. All of them. Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Don't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong. Lee, Kays husband, treats everyone like crap. Always has. Obviously we didn't want this, but we have it. Our unhealthy adult children tend to attract and latch onto partners who are unhealthy. I honestly wonder if any healthy man would want Kay and her crazy ideas and temper.

    It is heartbreaking.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I thought that you saw an improvement in boyfriend? (even your signature says it) and daughter was the problem? Did they switch roles?

    That is seriously odd.
  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Yes, roles changed! My daughter came over this afternoon and talked to me about what she saw, she said she was truly sorry and that he might have not taken his bipolar/ADD medication plus he has extreme social anxiety. The boyfriend told her he never saw me or heard me. I was treated like I was completely invisible. I told my daughter that the way he acts actually gives me nightmares. My daughter acted compassionate and again said how sorry she was and how unacceptable his behavior was and she also said it was painful for her to watch. I told her I will not do off and on. Thanks for reminding me of my signature RN, I will change it now. Well the good behavior lasted about 7 months. I bet that was a record for him. I wonder now if his mom is gone and did not remind him to take his medication. The boyfriend never says thank you for any gifts I have ever bought for him. No more gifts or my presence. I am done. I have seen a meme that said 'I am not mad or revengeful I am just DONE. I think my daughter is attracted to his looks. At first glance you would think you were looking at a good looking man and then his personality comes out and he is ucky..
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Lee is very handsome. But girls never chased after him probably because he doesnt offer anything else. Leave it ti Kay to pick him. Ick to him too!
  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My daughters boyfriend is a nice looking man but oh my God the mess inside! My daughter and her boyfriend keep each other run ragged so they have aged and my daughter has put on 30 pounds in the last year. She is now trying hard to get it off. Busy, sorry your daughter's husband is ick too. Makes life so hard. In the past my daughter picked decent men with decent families, they were willing to work with her bipolar/borderline but that was when she was young. Not sure a decent guy would put up with her now. I think they take turns on who can be the most awful. He is winning this week.. It goes off and on and they both stay miserable then it's back on. It wears me out even when I am in the distance because I can hear the fighting in her tone of voice. When it gets that bad I just ask her to just text me. These two are not children, age 37 and 43...What holds them back from adulting? And even though I want to be a grandmother I am grateful there is not a baby in the mix.