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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 758787" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Newstart,</p><p>I completely understand it's hard to put you first. Even though I'm better I often question myself (momentarily) wondering if I'm selfish. But only because of good family support, Al anon and a therapist (which I don't see anymore since COVID but did for a couple of years) I have been assured that I'm not selfish taking care of myself. </p><p></p><p>I'm an "enabler" in recovery and I'm betting you have a little bit of that in yourself. We rescue, fix and put out fires. That was my full time job for so very long so that when I stopped making everyone else the focus of my life, it felt very odd and uncomfortable and "selfish". BUT it isn't. </p><p></p><p>Even though it hurts not to communicate with your daughter right now just don't think of it as "forever". It's a temporary time in your life and hers that's needed for healing to take place (whether or not for her is out of your control). But I had a lot of verbal abuse from both of my sons and the only way that they understood I wouldn't tolerate that anymore was when I put up my boundaries and stopped communicating with them (with younger son it wasn't a complete boundary but still got my point across). The last time my older son went off on me, I didn't speak to him for 8 months. My heart was empty and hurt and longed to have communication with him again, but I knew deep down that I needed to make my point. That I was worth something and have value and if he didn't respect that than I didn't need him in my life. I think for a long time because of my guilt of wishing I had been better as a mother, wife or hadn't tolerated my ex-husband's drinking so long etc. that I felt I deserved their verbal abuse but that is all part of the sick cycle of it. You don't...We don't deserve to be mistreated verbally or otherwise.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if my son has a steady boyfriend. Once and a while he'll tell me about someone but he's very private. I do think though if there was someone special he would tell me. I agree that if that happened it might make his life a little better.</p><p></p><p>Keep on doing what your doing and take it one day at a time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 758787, member: 23405"] Newstart, I completely understand it's hard to put you first. Even though I'm better I often question myself (momentarily) wondering if I'm selfish. But only because of good family support, Al anon and a therapist (which I don't see anymore since COVID but did for a couple of years) I have been assured that I'm not selfish taking care of myself. I'm an "enabler" in recovery and I'm betting you have a little bit of that in yourself. We rescue, fix and put out fires. That was my full time job for so very long so that when I stopped making everyone else the focus of my life, it felt very odd and uncomfortable and "selfish". BUT it isn't. Even though it hurts not to communicate with your daughter right now just don't think of it as "forever". It's a temporary time in your life and hers that's needed for healing to take place (whether or not for her is out of your control). But I had a lot of verbal abuse from both of my sons and the only way that they understood I wouldn't tolerate that anymore was when I put up my boundaries and stopped communicating with them (with younger son it wasn't a complete boundary but still got my point across). The last time my older son went off on me, I didn't speak to him for 8 months. My heart was empty and hurt and longed to have communication with him again, but I knew deep down that I needed to make my point. That I was worth something and have value and if he didn't respect that than I didn't need him in my life. I think for a long time because of my guilt of wishing I had been better as a mother, wife or hadn't tolerated my ex-husband's drinking so long etc. that I felt I deserved their verbal abuse but that is all part of the sick cycle of it. You don't...We don't deserve to be mistreated verbally or otherwise. I don't know if my son has a steady boyfriend. Once and a while he'll tell me about someone but he's very private. I do think though if there was someone special he would tell me. I agree that if that happened it might make his life a little better. Keep on doing what your doing and take it one day at a time. [/QUOTE]
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