Not Optimistic About Thanksgiving

[Bunny]

husband is just NEVER going to get it! Never!!

We had concrete Thanksgiving plans, but it was suggested that we change them because people who were supposed to be here for dinner have now decided to go someplace else. I told husband that I did not want to change plans, and I thought the matter was settled. Apparently not. husband says to the kids while we're eating diner, "Did you tell the kids that our Thanksgiving plans have changed?" difficult child asks what changed and I simply tell him that some people who were supposed to be here are not going to be and that it will be smaller that originally planned, and I planned to leave it at that. husband says, "Are you going to tell them the rest?" I'm annoyed, but it's too late. By now difficult child's ears are burning. husband tells them that we're (actually, he) is thinking about going to his brother's house for dinner (we had been invited to go there, but since I was supposed to cook I declined the invitation. Now he and his parents want to call and invited us all over there). The kids loved the idea. Feeling like I had no choice, I tell husband to talk to his mother about it.

The next day I tell husband that I'm annoyed. I told him that I didn't want to change plans, but he decided that was what we were going to do anyway. So he tells the kids that we might not go to his brother's house. OMG!! The temper tantrum from difficult child!! So now I tell husband that it's too late and that we have to go to his brother's because I really don't feel like deaing with the difficult child issues if we don't.

mother in law calls me this morning and says that husband's other brother, his wife, and their three kids, are now thinking about coming here for Thanksgiving (they live about 4 hours away), so mother in law says that we might as well just have dinner here. I told her that if they decided to come down here then someone is going to have to deal with my son because I am not going to deal with it. If everyone had just left well enough alone and left the plans that we had the way they were, I would not have to deal with difficult child's tantrums about wanting to go to his aunt's house. mother in law's respose?" "Well, that's not my problem."


I called husband at work to tell him about this lastest wrinkle in our Thanksgiving nightmare. He says that we''ll just stay home. Again, I tell him that it's too late because he opened his mouth. husband thinks that difficult child is having fits because he does not want to go to husband's brother's house. Ummm...no!! He WANTS to go and is having ten fits because he knows that I don't want to go. So he says that difficult child won't have any problems with staying home, that he will talk to him about it.

Seriously, I just don't believe that husband gets it and that he never, ever will! I just don't see how this can end well. No matter what happens, someone is going to be annoyed. difficult child if we don't go, me if we do, and mother in law is not pleased that I never wanted to go in the first place.

I'm just venting because I'm so angry.

 

[muttmeister]

So send them all to his brother's house and you can go to a nice restaurant and have a nice steak or whatever you like and a pitcher of margaritas. Then go to a movie.

 

[AnnieO]

I agree. Once our plans are set, they're set. I don't change them.

I had to this year, what with the Onyxx situation, and I'm feeling pretty darned resentful about them. I have to be with her when husband is at work. Our other family is OUT. Grrrmmph.

So - . And go have a margarita.

 

[hearts and roses]

I am so sorry that your H isn't getting it. If he says he will talk with difficult child, will he? And if he does, will he mess things up even worse than before by saying something about it being your fault? Or will he simply state that the plans have changed and that it's too late now to change them back? No blame to go around...leaves little reason for another 10 fits (not that difficult child will realize that). Put it on H if you have to.

I am less than underwhelmed at the idea of driving 10 hours in the car with H to his brother's house, who has a dog that I am deathly allergic to, only to pump myself full of drugs, stay at a stranger's home, spend Thanksgiving with mother in law (and tell her she's not moving in with us) and then drive all the way home again. Uh-uh, do NOT feel like doing that. My tires are bald, so I hope we don't hit snow. We can't seem to line anyone up to watch our dogs, (easy child and difficult child are going to NY to be with their dad this year), mother in law is a bad cook, but I'm thankful that brother in law is a good cook (though he eats weird fatty stuff)...I can name a lot of reasons for NOT going. I just wish I had $400 to buy H his own plane ticket.

(((Bunny)))

 

[Bunny]

husband and his mother have not even spoke to his brother about whether or not we can go there! Yes, he opened his mouth and told the kids that we were going there without even asking the first.

Apparently, they are going to see mother in law and father in law tonight and she is going to tell them that the aunt and uncle are not coming to my house now, and see what she says. If she says that we can all go there, fine. If she doesn't invite us, she doesn't, but I told husband that still does not solve the difficult child problem. He says that he's going to talk to difficult child if we are not invited there and simply tell him that his brother and his wife can't accomodate us as she already had plans set with her family and that he was really looking forward to having difficult child help me cook dinner and he thinks that would be so nice for him to help me with such an important dinner. "It will be fine," he says. "Trust me."

I, on the other hand, am not as confident.

 

[susiestar]

This sure doesn't sound like fun to me. Seems like the perfect time for Mom to have a stress induced migraine/breakdown/whatever. I would sure be tempted to let husband take difficult child wherever he plans and to spend the day in bed or out doing what I wanted to.

Sadly, our husband's don't often spend the day dealing with the fallout from their refusal to follow our advice when dealing with plans and difficult children. My husband pulled a LOT of stuff like this until the year I actually had a migraine and he had to go and deal with all 3 kids and his ever-changing holiday plans by himself. thank you was still in diapers and I didn't even pack the diaper bag (why would I when I was not going to be with the child?). He had a cranky baby, a little girl who was curious and into everything, and a difficult child who did NOT want to be there and he did NOT have me to take care of things.

We had a long talk after that. He started to listen when I told him that we would wait until a day or three before the event to tell Wiz what the plans were - no matter how much Wiz asked for the plans. NOT to make Wiz anxious, but because we had no control over the extended family and the constant changes made Wiz so anxious.

in my opinion your husband is NOT going to see the error of his ways until he has to handle difficult child all by himself after all his announced plan changes. It may mean they have an awful holiday, but it will make future holidays better IF you husband is the kind who will learn from the experience. It may take you reminding him often about how his plan changes led to an awful Thanksgiving in 2011, but if it made the future better (and not just holidays if you can work this so that your husband learns to listen from you most of the time and not just about holidays!), then it would be worth it.

I didn't fake the migraine, but if I had known that it would result in husband finally listening to me when I told him how to handle Wiz in certain situations, then I would have faked one on a holiday years before. NOT to be mean or to upset husband, Wiz or anyone else, but so that we could finally start to have more peaceful and ENJOYABLE holidays. Heck, husband, Jess, and Wiz stll remember that year and will remind each other (esp remind husband) to listen when mom says to handle plans a certain way. Cause it was THAT BAD and future years were that much better.

I don't know if you have migraines or other problems that flare when you are stressed, but it might be the ONLY way to get husband to really SEE how destructive he is when he tells difficult child the plans, then changes them, then changes them again, and again, and again. You probably run interference because he tends to rile up difficult child rather than helping difficult child cope. So letting them do it their way may mean they see how their way hurts everyone. I had to stress how upset Jess, father in law and stepml were before husband was willing to listen. He was still tied up over what Wiz "should" be able to cope with because husband was able to at Wiz' age - and the Asperger's did not factor into husband's expectations until i got out of the way and forced husband to deal with it.

 

[buddy]

sorry. hope it turns out ok. {{hug}}

 

[DammitJanet]

I have a feeling several of us arent looking forward to Turkey Day. Tony invited his brother and his wife without even telling me. I dont know if that invitation includes any children or not. Gosh I hope not. I am a mushroom. I am kept in the dark and fed cow poo.

 

[hearts and roses]

I am a mushroom. I am kept in the dark and fed cow poo.

Lol

 

[Bunny]

This sure doesn't sound like fun to me. Seems like the perfect time for Mom to have a stress induced migraine/breakdown/whatever.

The breakdown and migraine were yesterday. I'm still waiting to hear what the final plans are. Am I cooking? Am I not cooking? Are we staying? Are we going? I can tell you that this is NEVER going to happen again. From now on the plans that we make are it. Period. End of sentance. I am not going through this nonsense again. It's not fair to me.

difficult child had a therapist appointment last night and on the way there he asked me whose house we were going to be at. Well, since he asked I told him exactly what happened. He seemed to have been under the impression that I don't aunt T to cook for the holiday. I told that was not the case at all. He asked why I was angry with husband. So, I told him that I was angry because his father and I said we were going to stick to the original plan, and then he turned around and told you kids that we were doing the exact opposite. And that neither husband nor mother in law had not even bothered to talk to Aunt T to see if they would even be able to accomodate 6 more people, so dad told you that we were going there, but never bothered to check if that was at all possible.

He actually took it alot better than I thought that he would. I told him that if Aunt T says we can come, we'll go. If not, then I'll cook here at home and I was looking forward to him helping me get ready for dinner. Cooking is one thing that difficult child LOVES to do, so telling him that I want his help in the kitchen is a sure way to get him to keep cool.

 

[hearts and roses]

Bunny, glad it worked out well with difficult child at least and he took it so well. Nice that he was able to understand how everything happened. I love when they actually 'get it'.

I keep hoping I get the flu.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jo, go volunteer at a day care center...lol. I will bet you will catch something germy.

 

[Bunny]

husband cracks me up! (NOT!!)

We (finally) decided that we're going to brother in law/sister in law's house. Fine. Not thrilled, but it is what it is. I proceed to tell husband that this is NEVER going to happen again. The next time we make plans for a holiday, that's it. Nothing is changing. I am not going through what I have gonr through over the last four days because he opened his mouth.

His answer? "Next time you have to speak up."

Really? What part of "I don't want to change our plans" does ho not understand?

I'n not sure if he's just a man, or stupid.

 

[hearts and roses]

I'n not sure if he's just a man, or stupid.

Both?

 

[AnnieO]

Errr - guys are (mostly) naturally oblivious. They just don't hear what we're saying. It's not their fault, we're just more attuned to detail.

Buy a big calendar and write things on it like this in indelible marker. "Sorry, we already have plans, honey, see? They're on the calendar."