Not sure what's next

[LauraH]

My son has relapsed once or twice since coming back to Florida. He relapsed for a third time just a few days ago, and told me if it happened again he was going back to Chicago to get into rehab. To an extent, on paper, that makes sense, since he has more options there because of his Medicaid, which he can't get in Florida. But obviously to another extent, it is a disaster in the making, for reasons anyone who's been following my posts will be aware of.

And here's the thing. Yesterday he was here detoxing from the last relapse, and reiterated what he would do if he relapsed again. So today he comes here and tells me he "relapsed" last night and he's definitely going back to Chicago. Since he was/is still detoxing from a couple days before, I would not consider him using last night and/or this morning as another relapse but a continuation of the one from the other day. I'm thinking he's using this as justification to go back to Chicago.

The whole time he was here today he was listing points about how he doesn't really have much chance of getting clean here, and all the reasons and ways he has a better chance in Chicago. I felt like asking him "Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" But I kept my mouth shut because the drugs already have him agitated and on edge and I didn't want to aggravate that.

Honestly, I don't think he has any real intention of ever getting clean, although I think he believes he does at the moments he says he needs to. I no longer have any optimism or hope for his future and I've given up. I won't stop praying for him but I can no longer believe anything will ever change with him, but I honestly don't believe he wants it and from where I stand probably never will.

I think I just lied a little bit. I'll keep praying, hoping, wishing for some kind of miracle to happen, but at the same time I'm not anticipating it. As far as my husband and I are concerned, bringing him back to Florida was his best chance at recovery...and since that has apparently failed, I really don't see much reason to believe he has a chance anywhere other than inside his own heart and mind.

And he was doing so well, too. He had a part time job at Pizza Hut, he had gotten a bike from the Homeless Coalition to help with his transportation, he had signed up for vision insurance and had a couple of appointments to get his eyes checked (which he blew off and never went to). He had applications for other server jobs and call center jobs which he let fall by the way. Same old pattern of setting good, positive goals for himself and then letting it all fall by the wayside because it would interfere with his pursuit of "happiness" (drugs). One or two steps forward, five or six steps back. It's heartbreaking.

I don't know why I'm so calm about this. I'm not agitated, I'm not crying, I'm not wringing my hands or pacing the floor with worry. And if he does go back to Chicago he will do it with zero help from me. Nada. No money, no favors, not even so much as making a phone call or passing a message to someone. I haven't told my husband about this latest development yet, and I won't until I know for certain it's going to happen. Knowing him, he would be angry, especially after all we have done for him getting him here and since he's been here...and he would not hesitate to express it, which would only create more drama and not do my husband any good...especially if my son ends up not going back to Chicago.

 

[LauraH]

And on a perverse note, my son going back to Chicago could be the best thing for my husband and me...since he wouldn't be here all the time looking for free meals and a place to crash. Not that we begrudge him our food or sofa, but he's been making a regular daily or almost-daily thing and it's gotten to be too much.

On the one hand, when he's here on a near-constant basis, it makes it difficult for me to get any work done or for my husband to fully relax. On the other hand, when he's here I know he's not out using...so when I don't hear from him at all for even one day (yesterday, for example) I tend to worry or assume the worst. I finally broke down and called him to see how he was doing, and I'm not sure if he would have even bothered coming by had I just let it alone and not called.

But it's time for me to put my maternal thoughts on the back burner and go back to focusing on my husband's and my life and relationship. And maybe this is the reason I'm so calm and less upset than I would have thought I would be.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont blame you.for thinking Chicago is bad for him and think you are wise not to.pay for him to go. Not just to Chicago. Anywhere. You have put out enough money. Let him find a way to travel if he wants to leave.

As you know, most of us are trying to focus on our own lives. Its not easy totdo when our child is struggling but the fact is....you nailed it. Until your sons heart and soul wants a better life, it doesnt matter if he is in Florida, Chicago, Timbuctu or on Mars. His location wont change him. He will. Or not. Hopefully will.

I know you dont like his ex but the fact is that in even small cities, like mine, there are plenty of nice looking meth users that your son can hook up with if that is what he does and is attracted to. Like attracts like.

There is no safe haven from potential romantic interests for our addicted adult kids who use drugs. If its not ex in Chicago it could well be Y in.Florida. And as you said he is constantly around your home/sancuary in Florida yet continuing the same path. He can find a pizza job almost anywhere too. They are everywhere.

Son's close proximity impacts your peace of mind. You have lived a long life and loved your son since his first breath. Would it be so bad to have a break?

In the end it is his choice to stay or go and your decision whether ro accept his choice or be miserable over him. It wont help him one bit if you let yourself suffer.

Please dont get overly involved and that includes doling out more money. You deserve to enjoy your life and NOT enjoying it wont make your son better.

I hope you and your husband have a peaceful night.

Love and light!

 

[LauraH]

it doesnt matter if he is in Florida, Chicago, Timbuctu or on Mars.

I told him almost that exact thing after he said he would not hang out with the same people if he goes back to Chicago (which I call BS on that but I kept that sentiment to myself). I did tell him that no matter where he goes, has gone, or will go, he continues to find the same people, only with different names and faces.

 

[LauraH]

Please dont get overly involved and that includes doling out more money. You deserve to enjoy your life and NOT enjoying it wont make your son better.

It's amazing how (mostly) detached I'm feeling. Like I'm watching a bad movie and wish I could change the script and the ending but can't. And no...no money...not even loaning or giving him anything out of the house unless I don't care if it gets broken, damaged, or I don't get it back. Nothing. He's tapped me out financially and emotionally. On someone else's thread I saw the term "compassion fatigue"...and that about sums it up for me. Not that I don't care, but I don't have any time, money, or emotion left to invest in this drama.

 

[Tired out]

Laura, I understand how you feel. Since he isn't staying on track to stay away from drugs it would be better for you and your husband if he went back to Chicago. Somehow I think it is just talk, He wants you to tell him to stay. I will be shocked if he heads to Chicago now. From 70 degrees in Florida to -7 in Chicago?
Just know you have done the best you can do.
It is up to him if he wants to be clean or not.

 

[BusynMember]

Not to mention what my daughter reported....10 inches of snow.

 

[Tired out]

Call me crazy but, all I hear when they talk is "blalblablablabaalababbe" that goes for mine, Cops'a, Laura's and pretty much all of the Difficult Child here. They pay lip (or text) service but they don't follow through. I haven't heard anything bad from mine in a while and he is keeping up with his bills. I am waiting for a shoe to drop. We got a lot of snow and it's cold. I broke my (no texting 1st rule) and sent him a text letting him know I have his box of winter gloves/hats/scarf an does he want them? I haven't heard back. it's THAT hard to respond yes or no? I shouldn't of sent the text.MY bad.

 

[Copabanana]

I really wonder about the pot/dopamine connection the more reading I do the more the connection of a delusion they think is real due to the chemical reaction.

The above is from Tired's signature. I am wondering if this may be part of my son's body dysmorphic disorder and/or the conspiracy theories. Both began after the heavy mj use started. He had already suffered the brain injury. But had not began the mj. Neither the preoccupation with his appearance (very handsome, but he thinks he's disfigured), nor the conspiracy theories began after the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). They began after the heavy mj use.

But what can I do? I just googled to see if there are links. Yes. To both. Related to brain chemistry. There's a link between mj use and delusions such as conspiracy theories and there is a link between BDD and brain chemistry, but due to serotonin, not dopamine. Apparently there is research showing dramatic cure by use of magic mushrooms.

 

[LauraH]

Unless I'm losing my mind, earlier i saw a couple of responses that mentioned that my son's "relapses" weren't relapses so much as (I can't remember what the term that was used) cyclical using or something. I can't remember who left those comments, and they appear to have been deleted for some reason. I'd really like to read them again and to see what the term was they used about my son's using. Did anyone else read those comments and remember anything?

 

[RN0441]

Being sober for a few days or weeks and being in recovery are two very different things. One has to commit to being in "recovery". Don't confuse the two. It does not sound like your son is ready to stay sober and work on his recovery. It takes something different for everyone to reach that point and unfortunately some never do.

Anything you do for him is prolonging his disease though. We do some things we need to do to make ourselves feel better but the bottom line is that less is best. He needs to be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.

I think that we get desensitized by dealing with this over and over again. We pull ourselves away and protect our heart. That is probably the stage you are at now. I think it's a good thing. He will take you down with him and that won't do either of you any good.

Prayers for your peace and that your son figures this out very soon and lives his life with meaning and purpose.

 

[Elsi]

Laura, I'm so sorry you're still in the middle of this drama. I know how much you wanted to believe that he would find his way if he came home. I find this kind of let down excruciating. When they are off track and I know they are off track, I can manage my expectations and stay centered. But when I have reason to hope for real change, and have those hopes dashed...that's hard.

You sound strong and centered, though. You sound like you know what you need. Regardless of whether he stays in Florida or heads back to Chicago, it will be a lot less stressful if he isn't continually in your space. You have a right to a place of peace and sanctuary, and it can't be that if he's always bringing his drama home to you. I think you are right to withdraw from it and begin the process of detachment.

I really wonder about the pot/dopamine connection the more reading I do the more the connection of a delusion they think is real due to the chemical reaction.

I've been deep in the available research on MJ recently for professional reasons, and I really think it isn't nearly as benign as many of our kids want to believe. Or at least not for all of them. Overall, it is less destructive than alcohol, so I'll give them that. But we all know that alcohol is a huge problem for many people, even though most people are perfectly fine with moderate drinking. MJ may be an occasional fun relaxation for a lot of people, but consistent and long term use is another story. And it appears that the effects are highly related to individual genetics and brain chemistry. Some research suggests that it can bring out latent mental illness, including schizophrenia, in people who are predisposed - people who may otherwise have never developed symptoms. From my reading and observations with my kids, I really believe that long term heavy use in people already predisposed to mental illness is very, very dangerous. C firmly believes that his pot use is "medicinal" - he thinks it helps him control his anxiety. While that might be true for the hour or two that the effect lasts, what I see over time is MORE anxiety, more depression, growing paranoia, worrisome thinking patterns bordering on delusions, a loss of logical thinking ability, a loss of ambition, and a decreased ability to follow through on plans. Reduced executive function, overall. Can I link these definitively to the MJ use? No, C is not a scientific experiment. But combined with some of my reading, the patterns I am seeing really worry me. I'm not a "reefer madness" mom, and I support legalization for at least medicinal use and probably decriminalization for recreational users. My sister uses it to control seizures, and I wish it was legal where we are for her sake. But with my kids, I see what I see, and what I see is that pot is a real problem in their lives, independent of other drug use.

 

[mentalcase]

Sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you've accepted where your son is at right now.

When he decides he's sick of this, he will get sober. Here, there or anywhere - that's just how it goes. I have a friend whose sister went to several rehabs and finally got sober at the crappiest one in the city where she grew up (and knew alot of drug users). Bottom line is that it depends on when he wants to get clean. Doesn't really matter where/how. There is a saying in AA/NA they use when people relapse. "He's not done using"...That's it.

 

[LauraH]

I just had a revelation. Going through a mental timeline of when my son started "relapsing/using again" I realized that just a day or two before that my husband had expressed to my son that he had changed for the better...more alert, more energetic (not in the way uppers act), more "alive" more positive, more upbeat, more pleasant, great sense of humor, I then recalled that growing up, every time I praised my son for some positive behavior, in no time he would stop doing that behavior. Is that a thing? Where someone stops doing Behavior X because someone else praised them for it? Wonder what the psychology behind that would be?

 

[Tanya M]

I just had a revelation. Going through a mental timeline of when my son started "relapsing/using again" I realized that just a day or two before that my husband had expressed to my son that he had changed for the better...more alert, more energetic (not in the way uppers act), more "alive" more positive, more upbeat, more pleasant, great sense of humor, I then recalled that growing up, every time I praised my son for some positive behavior, in no time he would stop doing that behavior. Is that a thing? Where someone stops doing Behavior X because someone else praised them for it? Wonder what the psychology behind that would be?

I believe for some people they are so afraid of succeeding that they will sabotage it. When we started having issues with my son and the judicial system, he had a few times that if he completed their program his record would have been wiped clean. It was always 2 weeks from completion and he would run away.

I think on some level it's their lack of self esteem that can drive this kind of sabotage. Self esteem is something that comes from within each of us. I know a girl who was raised in the most loving home and was always praised for her accomplishments and yet she is the most insecure person.

As for your son thinking he can get clean in Chicago, well, in his mind he probably believes it. I know from experience with my son over many years of him moving from city to city, town to town, state to state, he would always say things like "I hate this town, it's no good for me. Once I get to "wherever town" my life will be better" This is just flawed thinking on their part. It's as if they are just continually running from themselves and the truth.

 

[LauraH]

I believe for some people they are so afraid of succeeding that they will sabotage it. When we started having issues with my son and the judicial system, he had a few times that if he completed their program his record would have been wiped clean. It was always 2 weeks from completion and he would run away.

I think on some level it's their lack of self esteem that can drive this kind of sabotage. Self esteem is something that comes from within each of us. I know a girl who was raised in the most loving home and was always praised for her accomplishments and yet she is the most insecure person.

As for your son thinking he can get clean in Chicago, well, in his mind he probably believes it. I know from experience with my son over many years of him moving from city to city, town to town, state to state, he would always say things like "I hate this town, it's no good for me. Once I get to "wherever town" my life will be better" This is just flawed thinking on their part. It's as if they are just continually running from themselves and the truth.

I think you're on to something. Afraid of success, or thinking "If I did good this time they'll expect me to keep doing it so I need to stop while I'm ahead." In elementary school he was put in a gifted extracurricular program because of his good grades. The next report card he lost his eligibility because he went from mostly As and a few Bs to Cs, Ds, and one F.

And I think he does believe that going from Place A to Place B (or going back to Place B in his case) is going to mean success at last, even though Place B (Chicago) is where his addiction was at its worst and between that and the relationship from hell he lost literally everything...job, apartment, everything. Things were going to be different when we left Georgia for Florida...they weren't. Things were going to be different when he left Daytona to go to Orlando...they weren't. Things were going to be different when he left Florida for Chicago...they were for about six months and then went right back to his normal self destructive tendencies. Things were going to be different when he came back to Florida...so far they're not. Now things will be different when Iif) he goes back to Chicago...sure they will.

I'm not near the point of giving up, I'm AT that point now. I've always had faith that he would have an A-Ha moment that would turn him around. Now the only thing I have faith in is that there is a reason for everything and that God is in control so if it's a worst case scenario, He will give me the strength to get through it somehow. But I have lost all faith in believing that my son will one day grow up, get clean, and make a decent life for himself.

Currently, should I outlive my husband, my son gets everything, such as it is (not much) but it will be meted out judiciously by my niece. Everything would probably be around $10k, which isn't a lot, but enough for him to "live the life" for a week or so and then be destitute again. That will not happen under my niece's supervision of my estate.

 

[LauraH]

It was always 2 weeks from completion and he would run away.

My son did the same thing at a residential facility. He was getting discharged early for good behavior and progress in the program, and two weeks before his new release date he snuck into someone's office to call his friend and got busted. Not only did he not get out early, he ended up staying two months past his original release date.

 

[Tanya M]

I have wondered so many time what my son's "rock bottom" would be and then somewhere along the journey I heard this. "Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you find out it has a basement"
This statement is so my son. I don't know if he will ever live what I call a conventional life or even a responsible life. He's 37 now and I would like to think that he would finally start getting it. He has manage to stay out of trouble while finishing his parole and I think that's only because he doesn't want to finish out his full sentence in jail. Once he has completed his parole, sometime next month, then we'll see how things go. He has been attending AA meetings but then again, is he doing it because he's on parole or because he finally realizes he has a serious problem. Only time will tell.
For me, the only way I have found peace with all of it is to let him go. I will always hold him in my prayers and I allow myself to hold onto 1% of hope that he will turn his life around, beyond that, I need to live my own life.

 

[Copabanana]

It was me who posted then deleted the posts. I worry that I talk just to talk.i will try later to reconstruct what I wrote but can't now. Sorry.

 

[LauraH]

It was me who posted then deleted the posts. I worry that I talk just to talk.i will try later to reconstruct what I wrote but can't now. Sorry.

You were pretty much spot on in your analysis, in my humble opinion. My thinking was similar to yours, just didn't know how to put it into words.