The words that Recoveringenabler wrote, nurture and nourish are the magic words for the days, weeks and years to come. Today is 3 weeks since my friend died by suicide. To get anywhere I have to drive right by her house. I noticed her car is gone. It feels horrible to see that her car is gone. Sometimes I stare at her house as I drive by in complete disbelief. I am working on the 'whys' and like Recoveringenable said it is a circular mess, it truly is a mess with no answers or reasons the deed it done, there is no undoing just have to go through things in my mind to help me process this huge hurt and complete shock. I had such severe PTSD that I made my husband hide the pistol in our home. I am not suicidal and I could not do that to my loved ones but I was so stressed. I don't know if I was freaking out because that is what/how my friend did, it was the weirdest bunch of anxiety emotions and anxiety attacks. My emotions are much better now, I am just very sad and feel very odd. I have been meeting my friends at the pool, we are jogging in the water, praying, laughing saying crazy things and that is what is helping me the most. Talking about my friends suicide is helping too and I have to realize that it has just been 3 weeks. My 36 year old daughter still stresses me out with her lies and money problems. OMG she is almost 36 1/2. One nice thing is that I think she is genuinely compassionate about the passing of my friend. I just want to mention the huge sense of loss that I feel. I was looking forward to going on cruises, shopping, working out, with my friend. We were so much alike is so many ways. I have friends that I love dearly and I love their differences but it is hard to travel or be with them for a long period of time because of our differences and prefrences. I am cold natured so it is hard for me to travel with my hot natured friends. It is hard for me to travel with someone that has to eat all the time like my husband, drives me crazy. When my daughter is not manic she is ok to travel with. While manic she is a total nightmare. Moving forward~Thank you all for your support I so appreciate it.