I don't know whether it is true for everyone, but I know it is, for me. I think it has to do with the way we were taught to interpret ourselves as children. If our family dynamics were a little on the dysfunctional side (and whose weren't), it can be almost impossible to go against those first, early lessons in who we are ~and more importantly, who and how we are entitled to be.
It seems to me that clear goal orientation is the first good step. After that, I think we need to listen and dismantle the criticisms floating up from that insidious little tape playing beneath the pools of mind.
Whatever the designated challenge is in any given moment, listen to the things you are telling yourself about why you will or will not do whatever it is.
You will be surprised to find them there.
Next, try to listen carefully enough to learn whose voice that really is.
That's all I know about it, really.
Once we can drag this stuff into the light of day, we can actually make a choice about what we will do. If we have those negative tapes running and we are not aware of them though, I think we will behave in the way we always have.
The other part of self sabotage, at least for me, is that I have done many things of which I am deeply ashamed. Maybe no big deal to someone else (and maybe, a VERY big deal ~ but too late to change anything, now). I don't mean to sound like a criminal or anything ~ but you know what I mean ~ times we hurt someone else, times we did something really stupid ~ things like that.
I think sometimes we condemn ourselves over and over again for actions taken in childhood or as adolescents. (I think adult choices carry fewer regrets, because we actually do choose our responses, once we are grown.)
Again, I think the reason it is so hard for some of us simply to acknowledge a thing and go on has to do with who we were taught we were.
As parents ourselves, we understand that our parents too did their best ~ so digging this stuff up has to be an exercise in compassion and forgiveness, not one of condemnation.
Not of ourselves, and not of anyone else.
I sound like a broken record around here, I know, but for me anyway, getting to the root of self-sabotage has to do with unearthing whatever it is and understanding, really getting it, that there is nothing I can do to change any of that now.
I need to remember that to counter my own efforts at self-sabotage.
That is how it works for me, anyway.
Geez! I HOPE it still works!
:rofl:
Wishing you well too, WFEN.
:smile:
Barbara
P.S. The best book I ever read about how to nurture the self is called: Self-Esteem by McKay/Fanning
