On The Brink

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Apr 11, 2019.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am, as the title says, potentially on the brink of doing something very out of character.

    There's someone at work who intrigues me, and I believe, is also intrigued by me.

    Thus far no opportunities to advance this attraction have come up. But if by chance opportunity does strike, I wouldn't say no.

    This is huge. I have always been a very loyal, faithful partner. The past two years of hell with my W and her children have shaken me to the core of my being.

    Maybe it's less about me changing and more about my situation not being right for me anymore. W and I did reconcile, and we got through our crisis, but it took a toll. Sadly I just don't feel the same anymore. I don't trust that she has not strayed (this was the crux of our crisis, a crush on her end that got out of hand and which she claims stopped just before going beyond the point of no return - though I'm not sure I believe her).

    I lost (the person I thought was) my best friend earlier this year. The prospect of losing W too, even if by my own choosing and even if it is the right thing to do, is too much to imagine.

    But I don't love W the way I once did and deep in my heart I think I'd be better off single and free to find someone with whom I am more compatible.

    I don't want to be alone. I really don't have any friends. My family is in the area but we are not especially close. I'd essentially be all by myself if I left W.

    There's no way I'd immediately take up with my work crush. I know very little about them - but I do know they are married - and that they do not, as far as I know, share my sexual orientation. I think the woman is potentially curious or beginning to explore herself in that way. But she is married to a man. It would be a train wreck at this point. Nothing can happen unless and until a) we're both single and b) she comes out as gay or bi.

    Maybe this woman's purpose is to point me in a direction where ultimately I can be happier and more fulfilled. W will never be able to meet my deepest emotional needs. She simply can't do it, it isn't in her nature.

    Just venting tonight, thank you for listening.
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I think this “crush” says more about the state of your marriage than an attraction to a specific person.

    You may want to look at it in that way and decide if the marriage is still working for you, no matter what the extenuating circumstances may be.

    I have a friend who is staying in a not so great relationship because of other factors, and it is very sad.

    If you want to discuss this more, feel free to PM me! You know I don’t have a problem with discussing all sorts of things, so would be glad to chat if you decide you would like to.

    Baseball widow tonight....
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    I agree with Apple that the elephant in the room is your marriage, not the crush. Recently, I decided I wanted to live alone and it was very scary to make the change.

    I don't want to be all alone, and it was scary and hard to take the risk. The thing is, that these things are one day at a time. We feel all of the fear of what could happen, worst case, and we do not factor in all of the possibilities for growth and change on our part, that will result if we are out of situations that tax us or tear us down.

    I think you've taken the most important first step, acknowledging your feelings. It's one day at a time.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I have always said that things happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives for a reason.

    Sometimes we don't know or see that reason for a very long time.

    It sounds like things could get messy since she is married. Tread carefully.

    It's a good time to explore your true feelings in the relationship you are in now, even if this was truly the only reason for this encounter was to spark something in you!

    Life is too short not to be happy.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Not only is she married but we are co-workers, making this situation pretty much an impossible one at this time.

    I agree that the marriage is the real issue here and not the crush. The crush is allowing me to acknowledge and start working through my feelings about my marriage.

    Thanks for the feedback. I may well PM you Apple!
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with what others have said.

    I've been facing some big life choices lately too and I'm choosing to look at things differently......to meditate and be quiet more and to observe what I believe are "clues" from the Universe/Spirit/Higher Power/Inner guidance/intuition......whatever word you feel fits best. If I can let go of my preconceived ideas/thoughts about right/wrong, best/worst, good/bad, etc. I'm then left with a more neutral perception......if I can stay in that place, I find I can see the "clues" better and allow myself to be "guided" to the next step. Rather than a more grueling decision making process (which I'm quite adept at!) it is much more peaceful & calm......allowing, rather than controlling...... being open to new possibilities without judgements.....and a willingness to change directions and step into the unknown.

    This seems to be a time for many of us, myself included, to become more accepting of change and uncertainty and to walk off of the precipice we've been standing on and take a leap of faith into the great unknown.....sprouting our 'wings'...often AFTER we've leapt. As the saying goes, often the best fruit is "out on a limb."

    Be very gentle with yourself as you maneuver through these life changes. Self care is paramount.
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't know what state you live in, but the divorce laws in my state would be very tough on you if adultery could be proven. Basically, you would be facing financial ruin. We live in a state that allows the spouse who wasn't having an affair to get 100 percent of EVERYTHING, even if your salary contributed to the mortgage payment, etc. There is nothing split 50/50 unless it's a no fault divorce here.
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Most states have no fault divorce only. I know of one state where adultry is still a factor. But divorce is hard and usually sad, nothing to go through unless you are certain.

    I also believe this is about problems in your your marriage, not your crush. I agree with most advice here.
  9. One Hurt Mama

    One Hurt Mama New Member

    Crayola, what state do you live in that would mean financial ruin for a spouse committing adultery? I thought things like that went out long ago!
  10. One Hurt Mama

    One Hurt Mama New Member

    Sorry, I meant to ask Forever Spring, and not Crayola
  11. One Hurt Mama

    One Hurt Mama New Member

    Oh, Geez, I'm making it worse! I DID mean to ask Crayola!
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think its Virginia. Whether it still is used much I dont know and cant imagine that it is even if its on the books. I know people there.
  13. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    My state is no fault only. I met with an attorney back in the wintertime when things with W were very bad and D seemed imminent, so I know this is the case - particularly since emotional infidelity (at minimum) on the part of my W was at the root of the trouble between us then.

    I'm not going to have an affair with current crush or anyone else I may meet in the future. I'll get to know the person potentially, but before things venture into sexual territory, I'll file for D.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the clarification BBU. It sounded more to me that you were exploring your feelings and trying to find emotional clarity in a complex and difficult connection, than looking at infidelity.......those initial "rumblings" of dissatisfaction which often signal us that change is afoot.

    How are you?
  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I'm doing well. One day at a time. Things on the home front calm. We haven't heard from YS and neither has the relative who made contact with him. Still undecided about what to do over the weekend. We do know he does not have his license to drive yet so if he is to attend he will need to be driven. That will hopefully give us a bit of advance notice so decisions can be made on the fly if necessary....
  16. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't usually give out that information over the internet. I don't want to see this man having to live on $700 a month.
    Good idea. I just don't want you to have to live on $700 a month.
  17. Noshtau

    Noshtau Lightworker/Sensitive-friendly recoverer

    I'm gay, and some gays are just a little histrionic or exhibitionistic. Because we're LGBT, many LGBT have this illusion of sexual privilege - like how being a woman feels like but it extends to every facet of your social status, not only sexual. Not all identify with the culture and its extreme ideology of privilege and entitlement. I don't. Some degree of social exhibitionism is not uncommon in LGBT. It's actually very common. We don't know each other either; we're not a club.

    Lesbian/Gay married to the opposite gender and very lonely is a very stereotypical scenario.

    Gay people often are more genuinely caring and easy to read... but beware, if you pick at least 1/3 of LGBT, they could be severely brainwashed or have a hidden identity politics agenda. Sadly true. SJWs are not uncommon. That'd be funny if you were to meet a bi/lesbian woman with mommy issues. I also see possible Histrionic PD in many corners of the LGBT community.

    I'm polygamic too. Cheating is non-existent in my world.

    Lesbian relationships are known to have high rates of abuse, but good luck. I have known lesbians and they still have their own issues. More like clinginess and ole female drama. Gays, lesbians and heteros, and others, all have their unique subcultural relational issues; and I think heteros have it often far worse than male gays.

    Sexuality is still strictly territoried - when we are humans and it is very flexible. If you 5% like one gender and 95% the other, it's not 'bi' or 'gay' just exploring human fun for the sake of experience.
    Last edited: May 9, 2019