on the edge

[tryingtobestrong]

So today my son would have had almost 35 days sober. Big college game on tonight ... sends me a text that he is going downtown to a bar to watch the game .... Says he feels spiritually fit and thinks he will be ok. If not he will leave.
I don't understand. After doing so well, why...
I am trying to keep the faith that he will do what he says. He said earlier this week he liked how he felt now that he isn't sick from booze all the time. So we will see.
If anyone wants to say a prayer for him, I'd appreciate it.
My counselor says to back off and not question him on how he is doing, etc. I need to let him figure it out.. This is so hard.

 

[CareTooMuch]

How old is he? We're all learning how to step back, it's a very hard process.

 

[Elsi]

Trying, I hope tonight goes well. Perhaps he feels the need to test himself, to prove that he can still go out and have fun and do ‘normal’ things even while sober. Maybe he can. I know it’s hard not to worry, but I hope you’re able to let go tonight. Hope for the best.

 

[Tired out]

I am praying we hear good news from you. I hope he stepped right over the demons at the bar. I hope he enjoyed the game, the camaraderie of the people watching the game, that he enjoyed some snacks and a soda and didn't even sniff the booze.

 

[tryingtobestrong]

We got to FaceTime a bit after he got home. He seemed ok. I didn’t ask because my counselor said I need to step back. He did tell me that he has crippling depression and has started cutting himself again. He is meeting with a counselor this week but won’t tell her that. My counselor had said depression is a part of the healing but I didn’t know about his self harm when I talked with her last. I don’t know if life will ever be normal. I’m told to focus on myself but when ur child is not well it is so hard.

 

[Elsi]

It is hard. I’m so sorry.

Why doesn’t he want to tell his counselor about the depression and self harm? Is he afraid he’ll get put in a ward or something? (He won’t, if it’s just depression and cutting without an active plan for carrying out more serious self harm.) I would encourage him be honest. Counseling doesn’t work if you can’t be honest with your counselor (and yourself). I would assure him that his counselor has heard these kinds of things before, that he’s not alone and not a freak, but the only way to get past these things in counseling is to talk through them honestly. I know that’s hard.

I think stepping back is good advice but I also think it’s ok to ask occasionally ‘so, hows it going?’ Or ‘how did that work out for you?’ As long as you’re prepared that he may not want to answer, or he may have an answer you don’t want to hear. If you’re not at a point where you can do that and not get more involved with advising and judging and taking an active role in his decisions, it probably is better to stay out entirely.

I think it’s great he FaceTimed you after. Did you get the sense that it went well then?

It’s a tough balance to find. Sending you hugs this morning.

 

[CareTooMuch]

He did tell me that he has crippling depression and has started cutting himself again. He is meeting with a counselor this week but won’t tell her that. My counselor had said depression is a part of the healing but I didn’t know about his self harm when I talked with her last. I don’t know if life will ever be normal. I’m told to focus on myself but when ur child is not well it is so hard.[/QUOTE]
My 20 yr old ds has cut some and we've seen evidence that he's burned himself with a cigarette in the past. Never too bad (although I personally can't imagine self harm in any way), but I don't feel he would ever go as far as trying to kill himself. He told me that causing himself a little bit of pain helped his emotional state. So sad to know we are helpless other than offering them therapy.

 

[Tired out]

I am glad to read he spoke/saw you via face-time afterwards. Depression is awful but at least he sees a therapist and knows there is help if he wants it.
I can understand the self cutting. sometimes the need it to let the inner pain out and by seeing the blood it seems to relieve the inner pressure. the cut, not enough to do long term damage, enough to let the pressure off, to redirect the pain from mental to physical. This may sound too easy BUT tell him that when he feels that need coming to turn on a favorite happy song, turn it up, sing loud and smile with the lyrics..try it.. tell him..just try it. My favorite right now..Thomas Rhett "Vacation" . Now downer music allowed.

 

[RN0441]

When my son was younger he was a cutter also. Also burned his arm with a lighter many times. There is a scar but barely visible now but it pains me to look at it.

His psychiatrist at the time did not seem alarmed - he said "they all do it". Whatever that means!

It's such a hard road to see someone you love more than life trying to destroy themselves.

Prayer is the only thing that gave/gives me peace and believing that their is a divine intervention that is all power over all things and put it in HIS hands. I could not survive without that.