One step forward...two steps back. Ugh!

[Californiablonde]

She IS a non compliant brat most of the time and she's very explosive. Always has been. She cusses at me, threatens me, and gets in my face. She refuses to pick up her own trash. Throws it on the carpet and tells me it's "My" job because I'm the parent. She refuses to do what she is capable of. She is capable of more than you think, because she was very capable in the past. This downslide just happened when she got into high school. So instead of blaming me for being a horrible parent, why don't you start making my daughter somewhat responsible for her actions? She is not stupid, and is not mentally retarded. She is choosing to watch TV and play internet games instead of being responsible. It's not all my fault, like you seem to think. Thanks for making me leave work even more anxious than when I came here.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't see anyone blaming you. I think we said she is different from you and for whatever reason, unable to launch. From your explanation through the years, I don't think she is faking it or very happy being unable to do things others do and have often wondered if she is on the spectrum as well as being bipolar. medications don't help the spectrum if this is there and has been missed. It's commonly missed or called social anxiety or even bipolar.

All anyone is saying is that, for whatever reason, she is different from you. I hope your mom isn't influencing your opinion. I know she has a lot of power in daughters life.

We all care about you. Please please know this

 

[Californiablonde]

I don't see anyone blaming you. I think we said she is different from you and for whatever reason, unable to launch. From your explanation through the years, I don't think she is faking it or very happy being unable to do things others do and have often wondered if she is on the spectrum as well as being bipolar. medications don't help the spectrum if this is there and has been missed. It's commonly missed or called social anxiety or even bipolar.

All anyone is saying is that, for whatever reason, she is different from you. I hope your mom isn't influencing your opinion. I know she has a lot of power in daughters life.

We all care about you. Please please know this

She is very much happy not doing things others do. She will eat all day long and throw her trash on the living room floor. When I ask her why she didn't pick anything up, she will reply with "I was busy." When I ask her what she was busy with, she will say, "I was watching one of my shows." I then ask her why she didn't throw her stuff away during the commercials, she will then tell me, "I didn't feel like it." I then ask her to please throw it away, and she will tell me, "I don't feel like getting up. You do it. Besides, It's YOUR job." I might like to add she does NOT pull this stuff at her dad's. She picks up after herself there, because he has more authority than I do and refuses to put up with her crap. She also gets up early in the morning at his house, but refuses to get out of bed for me. She knows I am weak and vulnerable, and she has been terrorizing me for years. She is more capable than you all think. I have seen her be responsible in the past. There is no good reason for her to watch TV all day and throw trash everywhere and yell and cuss at me, using the most vile words. I just don't like being disrespected.

 

[InsaneCdn]

In which case - she needs to move out THIS SUMMER.
It doesn't matter if she's done her grade 12 or not. If she is able and just refusing to do what she is well capable of, then she needs to be cut loose.

I'm sorry. She is 18. No matter what argument she wants to make, it is NOT "your job" to pick up after an adult. You do not need to allow her to live in your home. She either cooperates, or goes and figures it out for herself.

I'm not trying to sound harsh here. But it sounds like your daughter knows that she doesn't HAVE to look after ANYTHING for herself. And that isn't healthy for either of you.

 

[RN0441]

I'd tell her if she doesn't shape up quick she will have to live with her dad (and if he won't take her then someplace else). You shouldn't put up with that kind of disrespect in your own home. I agree with Insane, if she doesn't graduate it's not your problem. Consequences right?

 

[New Leaf]

Forgive me for asking but.....can she go live with her Dad????? I agree with IC, she is taking advantage of you and it is not healthy for either of you.
Leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

Forgive me for asking but.....can she go live with her Dad?????

If I remember right from the history here... the Dad doesn't want either kid living there (partly due to the step-"mom" not wanting anything to affect her precious "routine"). The son is much easier to handle - and he lived with Dad for a short time, but that didn't work either.

 

[Californiablonde]

If I remember right from the history here... the Dad doesn't want either kid living there (partly due to the step-"mom" not wanting anything to affect her precious "routine"). The son is much easier to handle - and he lived with Dad for a short time, but that didn't work either.

You are very correct, Insane. My kids' dad absolutely does not want either one of them living with him. A couple years ago, he did ask for my son to live with him because he wanted to be a good role model to his only remaining son after his older son committed suicide. That lasted only a few months, because my kids' stepmom, who likes to sleep till noon, refused to take him to school in the morning. And since my daughter turned 18 a few months ago, she now refuses to see her dad. She hates him. I never speak badly about him about him around my kids. My daughter has come to the conclusion on her own that her dad is an *ss. She would never agree to move in with him. I feel like I'm stuck.

 

[InsaneCdn]

She would never agree to move in with him. I feel like I'm stuck.

She wants you to be stuck.
You are not required to BE stuck.

She has three options. Find all the help you can get, to make all three options possible. And then, either actively or by behavior, she has to choose.

She can only continue to live with you if...
(your house, your rules - and that includes respect and responsibility)

Or she is able and an adult, and needs to move out and get on with life.

Or she is NOT able, but now an adult, and needs a supported living arrangement outside of your home.

Status quo is NOT acceptable. And on top of what it does to you and your health, it is also very unfair to her brother.

 

[AnnieO]

CB, I'm facing much the same with Pat as you know. And I completely agree with IC. You need to come unstuck, for your own health. If that requires you tell her to leave - well, she's legally an adult, so you can.

 

[AppleCori]

Cali,

I hope I haven't said anything to increase your stress.

That is not our intention. We want to be supportive.

Is your daughter going to her classes?

 

[Californiablonde]

Cali,

I hope I haven't said anything to increase your stress.

That is not our intention. We want to be supportive.

Is your daughter going to her classes?

She skipped this week.Tuesday she overslept, and yesterday she said she felt nauseous. She absolutely has to go next week or they are kicking her out of the program. I hope and pray she goes, not only for her sake, but for mine.

 

[GoingNorth]

Assume she isn't going to attend school next week and will be expelled. What are your plans?

 

[Karenvm]

Cali, I feel your pain! Have been in similar situations with my difficult child (son). I think that one of the hardest parts about all of this is that although we KNOW these kids should not be allowed to live with us, what are the other options if there is no other family willing to take them in? Do you just pack them up and let them figure it out (remembering that these "kids" have some sort of disability, psychological, mental, whatever you want to call it)? I know we can't help them by allowing this lifestyle to continue, and it's easy to say that they "should just have to leave", but where can/do they go?
I hope things work out for your daughter, and for you. Hang in there!

 

[Copabanana]

we KNOW these kids should not be allowed to live with us, what are the other options if there is no other family willing to take them in? Do you just pack them up

Actually, yes.

I say that, with my son in the next room. He is back here with me after 4 and a half years away. He was homeless during much of that time, got on SSI, was hospitalized multiple times, etc. During that time he has learned a great deal about moderating aggression and controlling his behavior.

When our children become adults their primary caretaking relationship is with Society. This country offers help to disabled people, financial, treatment, services, education.

I allowed my son to stay at home until he was 23 even after he broke my foot, disrespected me multiple times, and did all manner of other things to break my spirit and trample my soul. I thought it was my responsibility to care for him until he cared for himself. I was so, so wrong.

Our children need to engage society with their attitudes and their uncontrolled emotions and it is society that will teach them to moderate their behaviors. It will never happen with mothers.

Absolutely, I refuse to take sh-t from my child. It is very hard because I love him and I want him to thrive. It has taken a lot of courage to re-engage. Frequently I question the correctness of having him close in. I do not want to throw him out again. But I will if I have to.

 

[pasajes4]

How was Hawaii?

 

[AppleCori]

Yes, Cali, how was Hawaii?

I have been meaning to ask, but I have just been so busy.

I did think about you, though, in all that surf and sun.

How is your daughter doing?

Apple

 

[Californiablonde]

Hawaii was awesome! I actually went through a big depression once we came back to California. I missed it that much. A good Facebook friend of mine is in Hawaii right now for two weeks. I'm jealous! We were there only six days. Not nearly enough time, but I am grateful to have even a few days there. Had it not been for my mom, we would have never made the trip. As for my daughter, she is doing the bare minimum required of her. She is going to school one day every other week, just so she doesn't get kicked out. She continues to lay around, throw trash on the floor, and watch TV all day while my son and I are hard at work. I still don't know what to do. I mean, she truly has nowhere else to go.

 

[RN0441]

I allowed my son to stay at home until he was 23 even after he broke my foot,

Oh my how did that happen?

 

[Copabanana]

Oh my how did that happen?

We were living in a foreign country. He spoke the language fluently and perfectly, I not so great. We needed to find another place to stay on a temp basis. I needed his help. He would not give it. I found a place. On moving day he would not help me move the heavy suitcases. I got mad and went into his room. He used a defensive martial arts move, to get control.

At that time I was a dancer. I desperately wanted to stay in that city/country for a few more months to get more training. Nothing I did made my foot better. I tried to keep dancing, I could not. Only when we went home did they find the break.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through to have to leave my dancing.