Our son passed away last Thanksgiving morning

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
LMS, what a beautiful tribute to your son. I cannot even begin to imagine your hurting heart. Sending many gentle hugs and prayers to you during this very difficult season.
 

stillhopeful

New Member
Lovemysons
Your tribute to your beautiful son brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for this unimaginable loss you continue to grieve. May you continue to serk and find peace. It is a long and painful journey. You were clearly a strong and loving mother to Jarod. He was blessed to be your son. Hugs.
 

Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
Lovemysons, that was a beautiful tribute to your son. From what I hear, no the pain will never go away, but hopefully it will soften for you. I believe it is true that when we talk about our loved ones who we have lost, about the way they were, the good times we had, what they have accomplished in their lives it kind of brings them back to life and keeps us close to them. I hope you get to do that with your family. I know, of course, of the hard times but besides that I can see a life well lived by him from his pictures.

Please take care of yourself, and work through those intense emotions in the most healthy ways you can find for yourself.

Pease and love to you.
 
Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.
What an amazing tribute to your son and your family ❤️ You can tell what a good Mom that you are from these pictures. I will send my healing prayers up for your heart and let Jesus wrap his arms around you to help you get through this moment. When I feel weak, I envision Jesus standing next to me with one hand on my shoulder and I say, "Jesus is with me". It helps to give me strength. Most of all cut some slack for yourself and be kind to YOU. ❤ Whenever I have had a loved one passed away I always go over it in my head of what I could've done differently to save them. Even when my mom had cancer, I went over the guilt of what I could've done differently to save her. These things are out of our control and in God's hands. We do not have the power to save people from death because it is not with our human power to do that...you matter too and your children and husband love and need you very much. God bless ❤️
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.
Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.
lovemysons, Such a beautiful tribute. Put together with so much thought, love and emotion. Sending you love, understanding and deep compassion. Your grief will soften as the years go on.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Thank you all. I hope and pray my grief will soften over time.
I have made the Casino my life since Jarod died. My escape. And it is causing problems between me and everyone I love at this point. Like I said before I have lashed out a lot at my mom over this past year.
And now Thanksgiving with my cousins turned into a disaster too.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if counseling doesn’t help me. My mom and I have a counseling session together this week. We’ll see how it goes.

My life feels like a complete failure since my son's death.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I have made the Casino my life
i don't know what this means. gambling? drinking? socializing? all the above?
i went thru this after my dad died. i dealt cards and was a change girl. i drank at the bar. and more.
grief does this.
what are you seeking there in the casino?
to forget?
to degrade, devalue or punish yourself?
to punish others?
it's important to know.
you have value because of jarod and both deeper and beyond his life.
he needs you to save yourself and you need you to save yourself. we need you too.
you can see all of us have worth, despite our inability to save our children.
how can you get in touch with your own unconditional and intrinsic worth?
everything good jarod was, is, in you. love him in you. he is there.
would getting a job in the casino make the whole thing better or worse? (i had fun.)
could you work there?
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Thank you for your response Copa. I never knew you had experience with the casino after your dad’s death. You have lived an interesting life.

The only time I’m truly happy is when I’m around my dear husband when he isn’t mad at me or the grandchildren or the casino.

People have suggested to me that I need to get a job at the Casino but I haven’t worked outside the home and husbands businesses since I was 25! I’m not even sure I could hold down a job. Ever since my psychotic breakdown 15 years ago I have had to take medicine that has made me very tired and unmotivated to do much of anything else besides keep the house clean and go to the casino.

My cousins forgave me and let me spend more time with them yesterday. They we’re staying at our local casino along with my mom and her boyfriend. But my mom didn’t want to spend time with me at the casino.

I don’t believe in myself anymore either. I try and lift dear husband and the grands up but I can’t seem to do the same for myself.
Sometimes all I look forward to is death because I know I’ll see Jarod again. But I’m not directly suicidal. I just don’t care if I die.
I smoke A LOT of cigarettes. I do not drink.

I miss Jarod so much it hurts. He had bipolar disorder just like me. He was an addict just like me. We even liked the same music and he loved to write just like I used to. He also loved hanging out with me at the casino during times that he lived with us.

Part of me died when Jarod died.
 
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