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Failure to Thrive
'Parenting' my 50-year old younger brother
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<blockquote data-quote="good vibes" data-source="post: 761423" data-attributes="member: 26113"><p>When you wrote this post, I think there may have been a part of you that knew the answer. You asked "Should I just remove myself from all this madness?" I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but the answer might be 'yes'.</p><p></p><p>While your mother is alive and competent, she has the right to dispense with her savings. You were right to appeal to her by explaining 'enabling'. I think you should also appeal to her sense of fairness that she is giving away your inheritance while living at your home. To protect some of her savings, if you have a mortgage, you could also ask about borrowing part of it toward paying that down, then reimbursing her when it's paid. You may not care about her money, but those might be arguments that she better understands. However, if that doesn't work, the real change may have to be within yourself.</p><p></p><p>You were right to allow your mother to live rent free in your home. Money shouldn't be part of the family dynamic, you support your mother as she would have done for you. Your act of selflessness stands as a role model for your boys. By the same token, it was also wrong of you to lend that money to your brother for the same reason. Would your mother, father or sister have ever asked you for money? The answer might be 'maybe', but it would have involved such a compelling anomaly that it would have been warranted. In your heart, I think you knew that there was no compelling anomaly behind your brother's request. You may never see that money again. </p><p></p><p>You can appeal to your mother, but, failing that, this might be a dynamic of family politics that you can't control. I think the next step might be for you to discuss with your wife 'how' you can let this go. It's not fair. In fact, it's a type of elder abuse, but it's clear your mother doesn't see it that way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="good vibes, post: 761423, member: 26113"] When you wrote this post, I think there may have been a part of you that knew the answer. You asked "Should I just remove myself from all this madness?" I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but the answer might be 'yes'. While your mother is alive and competent, she has the right to dispense with her savings. You were right to appeal to her by explaining 'enabling'. I think you should also appeal to her sense of fairness that she is giving away your inheritance while living at your home. To protect some of her savings, if you have a mortgage, you could also ask about borrowing part of it toward paying that down, then reimbursing her when it's paid. You may not care about her money, but those might be arguments that she better understands. However, if that doesn't work, the real change may have to be within yourself. You were right to allow your mother to live rent free in your home. Money shouldn't be part of the family dynamic, you support your mother as she would have done for you. Your act of selflessness stands as a role model for your boys. By the same token, it was also wrong of you to lend that money to your brother for the same reason. Would your mother, father or sister have ever asked you for money? The answer might be 'maybe', but it would have involved such a compelling anomaly that it would have been warranted. In your heart, I think you knew that there was no compelling anomaly behind your brother's request. You may never see that money again. You can appeal to your mother, but, failing that, this might be a dynamic of family politics that you can't control. I think the next step might be for you to discuss with your wife 'how' you can let this go. It's not fair. In fact, it's a type of elder abuse, but it's clear your mother doesn't see it that way. [/QUOTE]
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'Parenting' my 50-year old younger brother
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