Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Failure to Thrive
'Parenting' my 50-year old younger brother
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="SonBrotherFather" data-source="post: 761441" data-attributes="member: 28137"><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. </span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">Yes, you nailed how my mom feels about my younger brother. I'm 55 and she still tells me to wear a jacket when I go out to the mailbox on a cold day. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> And yes, I am totally frustrated and want to slap sense into my brother. And I agree that they won't change--- as years have gone by and as my brother got older and started to feel his age, so to speak, I've always hoped he would change. I could not look myself in the mirror every day if I lived like him.</span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">My family (when my father was with us) could NEVER talk about the hard things. I moved out when I was 19, and although my brother moved out in his mid-twenties, he really was never 'on-his-own'. After my father passed away, I discovered so many things about their relationship.....my parents supplemented him for years and years. I always knew there was help; I just didn't know the extent of it.</span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">And at this stage in our lives, I have tried to have the difficult conversations with my brother, with no success. And he knows he's screwing up and he knows how to fix it, he just doesn't <em>have to</em> because he knows my mom cannot say 'no'. SO I'm the heavy now in all of this. Whenever my brother asks for help, my mom tells him she has to consult with me. And of course, I deduct any amount and create a 'statement' to let him know where he stands. And as my mom helps him, he is a total <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> and is upset that everything is being accounted for.</span></p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">1. You mentioned being Filipino. I know of a few who are Filipino's, so kind and caring comes to mind. This is just an aside, I can think of a two people who I am ever grateful for. Just mentioning this for them. <ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">thank you</span></li> </ul></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">2. Do you have or can you get power of attorney for your mom if/when she cannot make financial decisions for herself so what's left of her money can be protected for her? Seems like it might be needed at some point. <ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">I have POA</span></li> </ul></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">3. You can't talk her into anything. </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">4. You can't talk him into anything. <ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">Agreed to both above; I'm doing better about that when there are times I want to interject</span></li> </ul></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">5. You are not responsible for your brother, this is not a legacy thing that is being passed on to you. Many have figured out a way to deal once the "gravy train" is no longer available. I have a strong feeling he will use his "victimhood" to continue his lifestyle or maybe he will just change his lifestyle when he needs to. This article here on detachment seems like it could do you good: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus</a><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">I will read this</span></li> </ul></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">6. If your mom ever asks you to continue to take care of him you can just say "he will be alright".<ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><span style="color: rgb(44, 130, 201)">Last week, I had a conversation with my mom, and I was clear to her that I would not be there for him (after she is gone). Point taken. I need to just reassure her that he has no choice but to find a way.</span></li> </ul></li> </ul></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SonBrotherFather, post: 761441, member: 28137"] [COLOR=rgb(44, 130, 201)]Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Yes, you nailed how my mom feels about my younger brother. I'm 55 and she still tells me to wear a jacket when I go out to the mailbox on a cold day. :) And yes, I am totally frustrated and want to slap sense into my brother. And I agree that they won't change--- as years have gone by and as my brother got older and started to feel his age, so to speak, I've always hoped he would change. I could not look myself in the mirror every day if I lived like him. My family (when my father was with us) could NEVER talk about the hard things. I moved out when I was 19, and although my brother moved out in his mid-twenties, he really was never 'on-his-own'. After my father passed away, I discovered so many things about their relationship.....my parents supplemented him for years and years. I always knew there was help; I just didn't know the extent of it. And at this stage in our lives, I have tried to have the difficult conversations with my brother, with no success. And he knows he's screwing up and he knows how to fix it, he just doesn't [I]have to[/I] because he knows my mom cannot say 'no'. SO I'm the heavy now in all of this. Whenever my brother asks for help, my mom tells him she has to consult with me. And of course, I deduct any amount and create a 'statement' to let him know where he stands. And as my mom helps him, he is a total :censored2: and is upset that everything is being accounted for.[/COLOR] [LIST] [*]1. You mentioned being Filipino. I know of a few who are Filipino's, so kind and caring comes to mind. This is just an aside, I can think of a two people who I am ever grateful for. Just mentioning this for them. [LIST] [*][COLOR=rgb(44, 130, 201)]thank you[/COLOR] [/LIST] [*]2. Do you have or can you get power of attorney for your mom if/when she cannot make financial decisions for herself so what's left of her money can be protected for her? Seems like it might be needed at some point. [LIST] [*][COLOR=rgb(44, 130, 201)]I have POA[/COLOR] [/LIST] [*]3. You can't talk her into anything. [*]4. You can't talk him into anything. [LIST] [*][COLOR=rgb(44, 130, 201)]Agreed to both above; I'm doing better about that when there are times I want to interject[/COLOR] [/LIST] [*]5. You are not responsible for your brother, this is not a legacy thing that is being passed on to you. Many have figured out a way to deal once the "gravy train" is no longer available. I have a strong feeling he will use his "victimhood" to continue his lifestyle or maybe he will just change his lifestyle when he needs to. This article here on detachment seems like it could do you good: [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/']Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus[/URL] [LIST] [*][COLOR=rgb(44, 130, 201)]I will read this[/COLOR] [/LIST] [*]6. If your mom ever asks you to continue to take care of him you can just say "he will be alright". [LIST] [*][COLOR=rgb(44, 130, 201)]Last week, I had a conversation with my mom, and I was clear to her that I would not be there for him (after she is gone). Point taken. I need to just reassure her that he has no choice but to find a way.[/COLOR] [/LIST] [/LIST] [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Failure to Thrive
'Parenting' my 50-year old younger brother
Top