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Peace is the choice

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Feb 21, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Next month is my son's death date, it is hard time normally but with my daughters added grief it has been double hard.
    My husband is sick of the entire thing, he thinks if we don't talk about it and if he keeps real busy and ignores it, it will magically go away. He was raised with a bipolar mother that use to say 'the more the stir it the stinkier it will get'. A problem as big and mighty as what we have going on right now needs to be stirred until all the stink is out of it. My husband and I have been stressed with each other. He keeps saying 'Well I had the talk with her' in his mind it has been handled and it is over with. With a troubled person like my daughter, there is no end, this is an ever flowing river of B.S. that is not over just because you have had one talk. I do understand that he is under a lot of pressure at work and I hate that this latest crisis is going on but I feel it will take us to team up to knock this monster back. After he talks to our daughter he is under the impression that things will move forward, in his mind that is what is suppose to happen.
    The truth and reality is the less we have to do with her the better. Being lied to on a regular basis is painful and unacceptable. Being lied to and ripped off is horrific and I am fuming mad not just at her but myself for falling in this s*** hole again.
    I am working towards the tension in my home with my husband..We argue and then come to peace.
    I feel so ripped off, family is suppose to stand tall with each other, support each other and help each other. This B.S. that I am living is so awful and so against each and every fiber of my being. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling such disgust over my own daughter, that is why I know and understand in the depth of my heart that detaching with love is the only thing there is, and I understand that it is a deep process and I have to rethink my natural nature to nurture and help out. I know that I tend to 'baby' my family doing many things for them, I do it because I love them and use to feel I was contributing to their well being but that is really B.S.
    My daughters awful unacceptable behavior is forcing me to be someone that is so against my nature that it will take a new set of learning but I do believe I can do this, just have to study it a bit more and put it into full practice.

    When my son was alive, he would list off things that I did for him and thank me for it before he went to sleep, even thanking me for cooking a good meal and he loved when I hung his bed sheets in the sun, that was a special treat for him since he loved how sun dried sheets smelled. My son had a heart full of gratitude, even thanking his dad for working hard to provide for him. One of the last things my son said to his dad before he died was thanking him for making the best pancakes on Saturday morning.

    During therapy my daughter was asked if she thought I favored her brother. She said no, she always felt she was the favorite one, my son always told me he thought he was the favorite one. My daughter will say that even as an adult. I loved both equally but differently.

    Because I am a bereaved mother I have a constant ache in my heart. I miss my son terribly. My daughter knows this and yet she continues to harm our family. She knows and has seen how devastated her dad and I are yet is so selfish that she causes us continued grief. I think that is on the level of psychopath.

    In my studies I found an article entitled 'almost psychopath', it is very interesting to read because I know for sure my daughter was not born a psychopath, she was actually a very kind, loving, sweet child. I saw bits and pieces of ugly around 4th grade and then she developed full blown adult bipolar around age 19. I think that not having her borderline/bipolar treated it has turned into psychopathy. She will not take medications. She does try to eat right and exercise.

    I do know that no matter what I study, what I say, what I do at this point it does not matter, I just have to type this stuff out of my system so I can think clearly on what the next thing I need to do is and I know it is detaching with love, in reality it is the only thing that will help my sanity, no way would I allow another person treating me as ugly as my daughter in my life in a full time way. Actually I would avoid a person like her, walk 100 miles the other way to avoid being treated so badly.

    I have noticed that since I am actively giving it up to God and putting into action my plan to detach, I am feeling bits and pieces of peace at night. I lay in bed at night and say 'Here God you take the reins, I am hurt, worn out, sad beyond measure, broken in a million pieces, I admit this to God and all of you now it is time to worm myself back up and have a peaceful, tranquil life that is full of fun, excitement, laughter, surrounded by kind loving people. This goodness and peace is what will be coming into my future and I will make damn sure it happens. I will not have room or time to listen to lies and other draining BS and from now on it will be pleasant.

    I think my troubled 35 year old daughter will sense and see this change in me and have no other choice than to grow, and if she decides to stay stagnant then that is where she will be and I will be where I will be and I choose peace.
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry things have been going so badly with the anniversary of your sons passing and the tension with your husband. Your son sounds like a wonderful person. For many years my husband left me to handle anything to do with our son. It is only recently that he has begun to support me in a meaningful way. I know how it is to feel you are on your own with this. It is very difficult to find time for yourself. Your daughter if she is like my son is only concerned with what effects her . i don't think they ever learned empathy.

    I also commend you for the decision to move on and find peace and happiness for yourself. My son and your daughter have had enough of our happiness. I wish i felt as strong but i am trying. Maybe a little trip would give you and your husband some time away from your daughter and time to reconnect. DO NOT tell her where you are going and shut your phone off. Take the time for yourself and put her drama out of your head. If your husband can't go take a friend or go alone. Wishing you peace.
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It sounds like you have wonderful memories of your son and I'm sure you will cherish those forever. Those area real. Someday you will be together again!

    I do hope that you can find peace in your home and heart even though your daughter isn't where you would like her to be.

    Sometimes acceptance is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I have learned that during my journey with our son.
  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you RNO441, Yes acceptance of what it really is rather than what I think it should be. Just so frustrating to know there is so much better and better is really doable if the person really wants to do better. Thank you for your continued support.

    Tired mama, I replied to you, it is at the bottom of the purple. I am still trying to figure out how this site works. I am getting it somewhat, sometimes I see my replies and sometimes I see them in the purple and they do not show unless you scroll down. Also my nerves are on fire but I will ground myself better.
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I did see your reply :staystrong:
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think you have to hit "reply" and then it repeats the post and the new post falls in beneath it....
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thanks RN0441, That is what I do, I hit the reply and sometimes I see my posts and sometimes I do not.
  9. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Active Member

    Your description of your son made me cry.

    I haven't been going through this anywhere near as long as you, but I have a son who used to be like your son and is now like your daughter. In many ways, it feels like that son died and I am missing him and mourning him. From what I read about psychopathy, his behavior definitely fits, and it's a hard thing to process. I know it's a very different place for me to be in, because my son is a minor, but I feel your pain.

    Your daughter has felt loved and that's the best gift we can give our children. Do what you need to do for yourself. I hope it makes an impact on her like you say. I too dream that something will make my son just snap out of it and realize what he's doing to his family, but from what I read about psychopathy, it doesn't sound very likely. But psychiatry only knows so much, so there's always hope.
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Gabi for your kindness and compassion. Just to suspect a child being a psychopath or having the traits is very scary and takes enormous courage to even type that out. I read that you will know they are a true full blown psychopath by the time they are 3, most parents feel this in their hearts. There is a midwife in Scotland that says after a baby is born there are some that just don't feel right, later it was found out they were psychopaths. I know that untreated bipolar/borderline can mimic psychopathy but they are not real psychopaths, they are like part time pretend like psychopaths while manic. There is always hope but while we want and hang on to hope we have to really take care of ourselves. My son's death was and is still very hard but my daughter acting bad is like death times 2. I pray that your son's hormones are the reason he is off track and I pray deeply that he will come to balance. Amen.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Newstart I am glad you are choosing peace. It is a hard road we all travel, life can sure throw some stuff at us.
    I have found reading and posting here that many couples are at different points along the path. Everyone has to find their own way and I know how difficult it is. I was more than ready to completely detach and my hubs wasn’t. It became a point of contention and my daughter grabbed on to that and triangulated and drove the wedge between us.
    I think fathers have a different relationship with their daughters and will hang on to the belief that they will change. My daughter knew this and took advantage of it. It was very sad to watch.
    The two year anniversary of my husbands passing is coming up and I am feeling the grief roll through me.
    What I wanted to share with you is that I felt the same, that I didn’t have support from my husband. What it really was, is that he had to process this loss in his own way. When I write loss, I mean the loss of wishes and dreams we have for our children’s futures. The horror of their choices and lifestyle. Our daughter was and is homeless and on meth.
    It devastated him deep down, he was already fighting various illness, and he wanted to stay connected.
    I felt that she was taking advantage of him, and she was. She would come over and bring her clothes, after a long day at work he would wash and hang them, make her something to eat and let her shower. This was his way of showing his love for her.
    Men are so different than women. Hubs was not a talker. He just couldn’t discuss the issues with our two daughters. I know he was so hurt, but he didn’t want to show it.
    It is a grieving we go through when our kids grow up and go off the rails. Everyone grieves differently.
    Just wanted to share this, as I know you want to feel more support from your husband. One day, he may come to understand your stance and agree with you.
    He has to be at that point.
    When he is ready.
    Unfortunately, my husband became gravely ill and after a few weeks in and out of the hospital, passed.
    We never really got to come to an understanding with what went on with our two daughters, and how to move forward.
    Detachment, not enabling.
    Rain would call him at the hospital, say she was coming to visit, then not show up.
    She has to live with that.
    One of my biggest regrets is that I expected him to be on the same page as I was. For all I know, he may have instinctively known how short his time was and he wanted to try in his own way to nurture a relationship with his daughter.
    Not trying to make you feel bad, just sharing another way to look at where your husband may be.
    I wish I had been more patient with mine.
    I think what was hardest for me is that I felt like you do now. Had enough of the bs, stealing and lying. I wanted him to put his foot down too. He just wasn’t ready.
    Hang in there dear and keep your head up. Keep giving it all to God and He will help you find peace regardless of all that is going on.
    My heart goes out to you in the loss of your precious son. Prayers for peace and comfort as the anniversary draws nearer.
    New Leaf
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    New Start
    The strength and comprehensive stature in your own words is so incredibly powerful. My mind set you have come and you have grown into a very wise woman.
    Hand onto this new found strength. It may be the
  13. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    New Leaf, Your outlook and wisdom is greatly appreciated. I read and re read your post. Since I have been so involved in my daughters life I have a different relationship than her dad with her. I have noticed that my husband looks bad, pale and has aged many years. I pray that he can stay well through all this turmoil, another reason that it is so important to detach, we are making this priority for health reasons. My husband has a very hard time with our son's death to begin with and our daughter going off the rains is weighing him down..He loves her deeply but is very disgusted with her. He said he just wants her to go away. That is what he said about his bipolar brother and sister, he does not want harm happening to them, he just wants them to go away and not bother him anymore. That is why detaching is the only solution. Now I have to study how to detach properly.

    I have given it thought about what I would do if my husband was to pass away and I was stuck with my daughters BS alone. My husband said if I pass before him he would leave town without a forwarding address or phone number, we actually worry about this, being stuck alone with someone so toxic and rude..

    I do undertand that husbands deal with grief very differently.
    Yesteday my daughter wanted to come over and by the tone of my voice she knew I did not want her here. Each visit I am left with a hole in my stomach even when she is trying to be nice. I get so tried of her telling me all the really bad things that she is not doing to justify what she is doing. She will say Well, at least I am not taking drugs etc. I had a letter come to my house saying she owes money for a moving car violation. Since the car is in our name the letter came here. I met her outside between our homes, we live about 20 minutes apart walking and I handed her the letter. I told her I do not want to be reminded of her constant deviant and delinquent behavior and I do not want her mail coming to my house, I feel horrified each time I get news of her awful choices, I am on full speed ahead to detach as quick as I can. I noticed she turned a sick white color and did not say much.
    I am so sorry New Leaf that you lost your husband. I really feel for you. My deepest prayers are that you can defend yourself fully against your wayward children. I can't even imagine 2, one is so draining.
    Not only do I have to detach, I have to put a spiritual shield around me for protection.

    The way I handle my bipolar sister in law is through distance and not ask her any personal questions like 'how are you?' that is too personal for her and the subject has to stay on worldly affairs or current news. I feel like I am dealing with a robot and our relationship is cordial at best. My husband only texts her because she is too draining for him.
    This has kind of worked because we had some loose ends to tie up after my husbands parents died. I used to think she was the meanest person I have ever met but I believe my daughter is in first place now.

    I send you love and compassion on this cold February day.
  14. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Lbl, For your continued support and kindness. The words I am writing are coming from deep inside my pain. I have to move forward with this mess and climb above it. We all have to in our own time, I just pray for some of us that back slide because the mountain is steep, I have been one of the back sliders, giving in to my daughters stupid demands, but after this last crisis I am ready to charge forward and I have had a major shift in thinking, after a shift in thinking there is no going back. I hope you have a peaceful day and a very clear shift on how you are going to be moving forward.:sunny: