Pendulum moving ever so slightly in the right direction

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JayPee, Sep 27, 2019.

  1. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    As some of you know I have two homeless sons living in their cars. Approx. two months ago I stopped financially enabling both of them. I'm still not speaking with older son because of his verbal abuse .The younger son (26) was being "enabled" by ex-husband after I stopped. However, since the severe decline in his health mentally and physically ex has stopped giving YS money too.

    The beginning of Sept. YS got a $186 ticket for open alcohol container in his car. He called me to ask if I could take care of it or he'd lose his license by end of this month. I remained firm and told him I was sorry but I was not able to help. Oddly, enough I didn't receive any confrontation but did block him intermittently afraid he's start hounding me. Yesterday, I received a text asking me if he gave me the cash if I'd pay his ticket (he doesn't have a bank account). He's been working at a pizza place and last week worked 55 hours and this week 40 hours. They allow him to make anything for himself to eat at no cost.

    I met him for lunch today and he "seemed" to be doing well. He still suffers from ADHD and PTSD and is smoking and drinking a bit (Open alcohol containers in car :( ) but I have to say I can hardly believe he's working and seems to be happy about it. He said they like him and they don't know he's homeless.

    There's still so much more of course that has to happen to clean up his life and mental health but I'm am so grateful that when his back was against the wall that he didn't just give up.

    Just thought I'd share my nugget of happiness, which is scary to enjoy because I'm afraid it may not keep going in the right direction. I wish I didn't have to "hold back" on my joy of his getting a job but I'm cautiously optimistic.
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  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    loving that he has a job!
    Loving that he offered and could and I assume did or will give you cash to pay the ticket. Wonderful!!!!!
    Bottom line is he took responsibility.
    Not a big deal for you to write a check when you have the cash in hand. Very nice , a clear positive.
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  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    With our kids one good step is certainly encouraging and is probably due to your refusal to pay his bills. Hurray to you!!!

    I think from experience it is better to live one day at a time. His job is today. Good! This seems to be a good move. Our mind likes to tell us both horrors about the past and forecasts about the future. Staying in reality is best. Staying in the truth of the Now. Accepting what is true today, not tomorrow.

    If we jump all over every perceived good or bad step they take we live in a fictitious world and are either sad about the past or scripting possibly heartstabbing stories about all the great things they will do in the future. I am working hard on quieting my ego, which tells me these stories, and living in the Now. I try to use my Wise Mind. Google Wise Mind in your search engine. Wise Mind is the best mind.

    The Acceptance of Now has also changed my husband and me for the better. I think you should smile about today and go on with your life, confident that you are doing the right thing.

    Enjoy the blue sky, the changing colored leaves, the fresh air, trees and flowers. Don't think too much. And talk to God. Or whatever is your Higher Power.

    I am glad that today you had a good meeting with your son. Savor it, but keep this in the present.

    Be well.
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  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Such good news , JayPee .I feel this is the direct result of you stopping the money flow . It forced YS out of his comfort zone of underfunctioning and start taking care of the ticket himself. This shows him he can get the money he needs which encourages self esteem.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    It is good news. Enjoy it for the day. Baby steps!!

    We are anxious for a big turnaround. Always. It.takes.a.lot.of.time.
  6. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    This is very encouraging. I understand your being cautious. We always wait for the other shoe to fall. But, I am learning the important thing is to live in the moment. And for you, this moment it s one to savor. Thank you for sharing, JayPea.

    Healing together.
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  7. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    The thing (of course there's always a thing) that worries me is he expressed he's gotten medicaid and is going back to therapy so he can get back on his ADHD medication. This scares me. He was on Vyvanse before and in my opinion it made him "worst". He always had used up his monthly prescription less than 1/2 way through the month (either over medicating or selling them). I had sent faxes to his therapist (because it's the only way I could communicate with them due to the Hippa Laws) expressing my concerns of his behavior and usage of this prescription. Son was upset with me at the time when he was told of my letters and how I tried to intervene.

    I can only hope and pray that they try some other alternative but I'm afraid we're going back down that road again and it just wasn't a good one the last time.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Try not to worry about what MAY happen. My son abused his anxiety medications (benzos) too and sold his ADHD medications. Ugh.

    Just see what happens...
  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Of course, we always go there, but ...
    Has it happened, yet? Wait on worry, there's always plenty and it's not helpful worry if we dont own a piece of the real estate. In other words, which I am certain I have heard from you, worry over something we cant change is destructive to our well-being.

    Is it possible he thinks it will help him stay the course? Can you control any part of that narrative any differently than what you are doing? As my bff says to me about my daughter when I go there, he is an ADULT.

    “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
    Leo F. Buscaglia

    Sending love and light
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Yes, worrying is like praying for the worst possible outcome. I learned that in Al-Anon.

    Just pray for your son. I like to use affirmative prayer as if it has already happened "Thank you for knowledgeable professionals who will be guided perfectly in what to do in this situation".

    Our children have their own Higher Power. And if we get out of the way and allow that power to do it's thing, we can trust that all is well .

    My job is to care for me today. To let it all go. To tend to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's a full time job. I have to protect my serenity and well being because nobody else well. I have to find my own happiness regardless of what the people I love are creating in their lives.

    Sometimes a crisis situation ends up the biggest blessing for growth and change.

    My son made a decision to take acid and I knew about it from his sister. I was horribly afraid. But I refrained from interfering. I prayed for his safety. He came through just fine. Again I knew that from his sister. I did not ask .The information came to me because she wanted to share it .I never let on with her how terribly afraid I was.

    It's all about faith. Faith that in God's world nothing, absolutely nothing, happens by mistake. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today.