Please help me with my adult son :(

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Marlee, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. Marlee

    Marlee New Member

    i'm totally new here and hope this is an ok place to post this. I am in absolute agony trying to make a decision. I will try to make it as short as possible.
    My son is 32. Has a long history of drug abuse. Has diagnosis of bipolar, add, antisocial personality disorder. Has been in and out of jail and prison all his life for petty crimes trying to finance his drug addiction.
    He was recently released from his most recent prison stay of three years. (There's much more to the story but I'm trying to be brief) because of severe self injury they released him to a psychiatric hospital. The hospital released him to parole with the recommendation that he go to a community residence. He had not been approved so was homeless and my husband and I said he could stay with us over the weekend till Services are provided.

    There will be a wait for Services I have no idea how long could be months. My husband is really stressed with the idea of him staying longer with us because of past issues(violence, stealing, explosive behavior) I am as well. The choices are do we let him stay longer or let him go to emergency housing? Usually a local hotel not always in the best part of town with possible drug abuse going on in the vicinity.

    I am driving myself insane with this. I'm not comfortable with him here... But am terrified if I don't let him stay here he'll be tempted and will use. He hasn't done anything wrong and he's been here a week tomorrow. This is so simplified but please please help me think and make a good decision. I love my son but feel like my marriage is in danger and my sanity. Thank you!
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    More people who have been or are in your circumstances will see your post on P.E.`You can ask the administrator to move your thread over or copy it and post it there.
    I have learned that it is best to ignore what I want or feel. Your son is responsible. Not you. It is one thing to want to help, it is another thing to override your feelings and your sense of your best interests.
    You have already let him stay a short time. You have the right to decide based upon what is best for you.

    If he relapsed it would not be you that chose this. If you defer in every single way, to his comfort and convenience, this does not guarantee that he will not relapse. In the first and last of it, it is about him and his choices. In his readiness now to commit to recovery and to get the supports to be clean and to stay clean. His mother and father are not those needed supports.

    Those supports are most likely be available in working through parole and social services. I worked for prisons. Prisoners are made aware of community resources. If he attended 12 step groups in prison he knows what he needs to do.

    To deny your own feelings and comfort and security, by putting him over you, is to enable. I think.

    My son wanted to be here in my home. I relented two nights and I insisted he leave. I could not stand it. That is not to say you should do the same. But I would understand if you did.
    You do not have the power to stop him if he chooses to use. He will use if he wants to use. You cannot do one thing to stop him. He may use that as an excuse to himself or to you. That does not make it so.
    Do you see how disrespectful of your son that is to override your best interests? Each of you is a responsible adult. You are no longer responsible for him. He is. To try to take responsibility, by putting yourself at risk is to disrespect yourself and him. He deserves that you act from care and responsibility to yourself and to allow him to be responsible for himself.
    A week is a good start.

    Only you can decide what you can do or should do or want to do. I know what I would do. Only you can decide for you.

    Keep posting. I am glad you are here. Take care.

  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

  4. Marlee

    Marlee New Member

    You guys have no idea how much of a help you've been already! Thank you!!!
  5. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    His sobriety is his responsibility. If he really wants to maintain his sobriety he will work to do so, no matter what his environment.

    If he chooses to relapse he will choose to do so, regardless of his environment.

    No matter what you do, or don't, provide for him he must make the choice to accept responsibility for his own sobriety and mental health care.

    My sister is the same. In jail goes to 12 step meetings, takes antidepressants, toes the line. She gets out of jail, and is full of promises and plans about how she is going to stay sober, and get a job, and get the kids back. She never follows through.

    She is full of excuses as to why. Living in a bad place, homeless, no transportation, can't afford her medication (but can afford heroin) The thing I have learned to tell her (and she isn't allowed here because of theft, never violence) is "if you really wanted it, if it were really the most important thing in your life, you would fight to find a way." If they are smart enough to find a way to get drugs, they are smart enough to find a way to get treatment.
  6. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Check and see if there is a Teen Challenge(they take adults not just for teens) or Salvation Army Rehab program in your area or even hours away. These are wonderful programs that help adults with drug, alcohol, and those who have been in prison to get their life back. Most programs are about 6-12mos. You live there, get a room, get food, counseling, etc. Salvation army you work getting donations (clothes, furniture, etc) and you get paid a small amount. It has changed many peoples lives- but it takes a will to want to change. They work with probation departments as well.
  7. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Oh I forgot Salvation Army. What a great idea. I didn't think of them. There was a woman in my support group who was kind of in the same situation as me (she was raising her grand kids, her daughter was addicted to crack) whose daughter cleaned up with Salvation Army.

    Her daughter was the same as your son, and my sister. In and out of jail/prison. On the streets, minimal clean time. According to L, her daughter, after about 10 years of that walked into the Salvation Army and announced she was tired.

    The last time I spoke to L (I ran into her a couple of years ago) her daughter had been clean for over 5 years, had a job, an apartment, and regained custody of her youngest daughter. (the oldest was an adult, the middle, a son, didn't want anything to do with her)
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The thing is, your son already knows the resources. The drug community is close. Hes seen people who quit. He doesnt want to yet and all places such as salvation army have rules in order to stay. Rehabs require rules too. You can get kicked out for using and yes drugs are sometimes smuggled in.
    Your son is an adult many years plus and you cant change him. One day HE may choose to quit in the meantime you have a life and deserve to be happy. I suggest seeing a therapist or going to al anon. You matter. You deserve happiness in spite of your sons bad choices
  9. Marlee

    Marlee New Member

    Thanks so much for all your help. He ended up staying for a week in total. He is now in the only shelters we have up here when you're homeless. They basically put you up in a ratty hotel. So, he's doing ok.. he's still not using, his PO is drug testing him almost everyday. That website someone posted about detachment helped me SO much. I was so wrapped up with emotion and what was right and wrong etc that I couldn't think straight. That article really clarified this for me. This has been a lot of crazy years dealing with this from the beginning at about 13 when he was diagnosed with conduct disorder. I SO wish I'd had a support like this back then. Thank you. <3
  10. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    Hi Marlee, I am new too, I don't have much to add, as the rest have posted very good ideas. Anyway, I am out of ideas with my own son.

    I read your thread thinking OMG, my son will be just like that, other than his severe mental illness. I see my son in yours.

    I pray everyday he isn't in for a life of prison, but since he won't manage his own demons, This is what it will probably be.

    I will not, however, ever let him put my relationship with the boyfriend in jeopardy. He's been the source of why I was single for sooo many years. I was single and lonely for companionship for the whole time he was growing up bc he was so hard to handle.

    But now that he's adult, no way. If he has his way, I think he would love it if I would get rid of my relationship so as to totally focus on him, but to me, this would only enable him more.

    All I can add is NO WAY let him put your relationship in jeopardy.

    When my son was about 20 he started to interfere and make things very hard at my live in boyfriends, as he was stealing gas (ironically why he's in jail now), money, odds and ends, and it almost did interfere. He even became "jealous" of my man's daughter and started fighting with her...that had to be stopped and fast.

    I ended up putting son on a grey hound bus down to his dads,800 or so miles away for a few months. And I gave him the choice, GO TO YOUR DADS or I WILL TAKE YOU TO A HOMELESS SHELTER. He chose his dads. Didn't last long, but it made him realize I meant it.

    We parents need a break too. We can't let them tear our lives up. They do enough of that by just making everything so hard in other ways (our own guilt, regrets, etc).