proud of myself but scared

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. So, I think I wrote that my son left his sober living and IOP 4 weeks ago. Got his own place and was living alone. I was so angry and disgusted that I decided that I would not reach out to him so it was 3 weeks and then he sent me a text saying he didn't want to let us down anymore, that he was trying really hard...
    I didn't reply because I had no clue what to say. He then called and said he relapsed. Talked about calling sober living places the following day but didn't want to lose all of the money he put out for his new place,etc. I really feel he was trying to see if I would say that we would take care of it if he went to sober living but I did not.
    The following day he changed to he was just going to take antabuse in addition to his vivitrol shot and then he said he would talk to a recovery coach. I text him about that and got no reply
    Today I got a text that he thinks he had a seizure and could I call him so I did. I could tell he was somewhat intoxicated. He said he couldn't stop drinking, hadn't gone to work all week, he wanted to die, etc. I said he should get into detox, etc and he just wouldn't grasp it. I called one of my contacts about detox and he had his person reach out to my son. They spoke and he agreed to go to detox... Well then he wouldn't answer the phone when the intake person tried to call him.... he wouldn't answer the guys calls either.... 5 hours later he calls me and said he fell asleep... same excuse he had a few months ago when he was to go to detox.
    He said I have some favors for you to do... I was like well I am not paying your rent... I got but I lost my wallet and the rent is due today. I searched my apartment for hours.. funny he just said he fell asleep and just woke up... He said that they only accept online payments. I said well... then call the bank and get your info and do it yourself. I got that he will pay me back and ... I said Nope, I will not do it.
    Then he wanted me to call a girl for him because she would no longer accept his calls because she didn't agree with how he was living his life... I said well we don't agree with it either and maybe he needs to change it- we can't do it for you. I then went off and it got quiet so I assumed he hung up so I did the same. He calls back and I said about him hanging up... I got "no I just put you on mute so I wouldn't have to listen to you" Like really? He is such an a**.
    I feel nothing for him right now. I feel bad because I am his mother but I can't say I feel anything for him. I am sick of this.
    I know I did the right thing. Was he telling the truth about losing his wallet? I don't know. He does seem to lose it a lot because he is drunk and has not a clue. I would assume the apartment would have a grace period for the rent like 2 days leeway but I am not certain.
    With him wanting to pay the rent that shows he has no intention of going back to sober living like he mentioned. I am scared that maybe I will push him to do something to himself but we have paid for things before and it got us no where.
    Sorry for venting.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If somebody intends suicide it does not come from their mother setting an appropriate boundary. I would ask myself if the whole thing he staged in order to manipulate rent money out of you. I think you handled it very well. He is handling his life in his own way. You are letting him. I think that is real progress.

    PS I know how hard this is, and how scary. The more you are able to let him handle his life, the more willing he will be to do so, and the more stability and self-control he will show. I believe that. You did good.
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    When you start setting and sticking to boundaries they always up the ante. He did it here running through his entire repertoire of excuses and fear-mongering to try and find what would work with you. It takes them awhile to figure out you're not going to fall back into old patterns. Keep sticking to your boundaries. He will get it eventually and figure things out on his own. Maybe not in the way you would like him to, but somehow. I know it's so difficult at first, but as you continue practicing healthy boundaries it gets easier and it really changes your interactions with your difficult adult child. :)
  4. Update... he ended up going to the er refused detox. Found his wallet and paid his rent... had to hear how he won't have any money now until the next payday. I just said well I am not sending money. This was your doing, your choices. I told him he knew what would happen when he took the first drink and he chose to do so.
    I encouraged him to consider going back into an IOP program and sober living. He said "if you have money to help me if I go to sober living why won't you help me now" I replied- we have helped over and over again and it didn't help because you are right back where you started again. There is no way I am throwing money out when you are not working a program.
    He admitted that he won't do sober living again because of the no girlfriend sleep over policy and no privacy... I reminded him that until he is happy with himself, no relationship is going to work. I got if " I don't have a girlfriend to make me happy I get loaded... done "
    So I guess we wait and see what happens next. I feel losing his job is next and maybe that will get his attention but who knows.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You said no and he found his wallet and paid the rent. Are you seeing the pattern that I am seeing?

    He is still in full manipulation mode. It is not up to you to pay his rent, find him a sober living home, pay for a sober living home, or call his girlfriend who doesn't want to talk to him.

    If he truly wants to get sober he will be willing to follow the rules of the program. Until then he is not ready. Don't throw your money away.

    If the relapse costs him the money he put into the new apartment, that is part of the cost of his addiction. Until he feels the pain, he has no reason to change.

    You are doing well . . .let him figure this out.

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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Great advice from the others. Don't cushion the consequences of his choices.

    Of course, a normal healthy woman would not want to be in a relationship with someone that is an alcoholic. Of course she doesn't want anything to do with him if he can't get it together. Bravo for her.

    Apartments and girlfriends are part of living a normal, productive life. He wants the benefits but does not want to do the work. I'm speaking of how my son WAS too so I know how angry it made me then and makes me now for you.

    Stick to your boundaries. Don't cave momma!
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  7. I expect his world to crash within a few weeks. Last night I had to hear how he can't take another loan from his 401k and he won't be able to pay his rent for April.... how he has no money to live on for this week and only had 3 things left to eat. I told him he has 2 pays coming so it should be enough to cover his rent. I offered to have groceries delivered and received no reply. I refused to pay his cable bill as well. I did cave and send 2 small digital gift cards via email to a place to get a sub and a coffee... Guess what? He never evened opened the emails so that shows me he was just looking for cash. I do fear he owes money for drugs. I do fear what is going to happen when he can't pay his rent in a few weeks.
    He needs a long term program- one that is longer than a month. However, we can't afford $15,000 a month. I found a great one but that is the cost x 3 because it is 3 months long.
    I know he needs a long term one so he can get some sobriety under his belt.
    Not sure what will happen but I feel the job will soon be gone. Him taking off a week every 6 weeks due to relapse has to be getting really old. The fmla soon has to be up.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Does he have health insurance?
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Don't get mad at me for saying this, but you need to back away and let him figure this out.
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  10. Yes he has health insurance under us due to his age. Some treatment centers want more than the out of network deductible.
    We are trying to back away. He feels hopeless. Called us last night due to an issue he got into due to being drunk and harassing a girl. I think the threat from the cop rattled him up good. However, he still doesn't seem to be willing to go back to a sober living environment even though he liked it. He doesn't want to break his lease or get evicted. It is so hard sitting back but I know we have to.
    He said how he has crap to show for his life. Lost how much and can't get ahead... We told him he can rebuild his life when he is in recovery and right now that is the most important thing. He just resists leaving his place.
    Alot of people get sober going to AA so not sure if that his possible for him. Hopefully he will figure this out and want to see what life is like sober for a length of time.
    One of his sober friends has 8 months sober and he told my son that he wants to use so badly... This disease is horrible.
  11. I have another question... again I feel like I am falling back into enabling but I also want to give him a shot...There is a recovery coach that he knows and mentioned seeing him at one time. I felt I could offer that and pay for it once a week. He would drug test him as well so there would be some accountability. (although I don't know how long alcohol stays in your system- so if he drank after the session would it still be in his system the following week. I imagine it is just a urine test)
    If I knew he was sober and held accountable and going to meetings, I would assist just a tad bit with his rent. BUT if he won't do anything to show accountability then I would not even think about helping.
    I think I am talking myself out of it as I type!! Therapy! He should not have left sober living / IOP and went on his own so even if accountable I should not help right!?
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trying, you are still trying to fix him. Offering to pay his rent if he meets your conditions is your way of manipulating him. If he agrees to it, it will be just to get the money . . . not because he wants to get sober.

    It won't work. When he is finally ready to get sober he will do it on his own. There are many rehabs that will agree to take whatever the insurance company is willing to pay. My daughter went to several that did that.
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  13. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I agree with this.
    (I was blinded so long by the positive ageements of my son. He knew all the right things to say. )
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Again, he feels hopeless but he is not doing anything to fix himself.

    He knows you love him and you are there. In my opinion, that is enough for you to do.

    You can prolong all of this for many years by "helping". I know that is not what you want.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi TTBS,

    If your son were really interested in getting a recovery coach, he would tell you, and maybe ask you to pay for it. He has no problem asking you to pay his rent and asking you to call a woman who doesn’t want to talk to him, so if he wanted to be sober, he knows how to do it.

    Stop giving him money. Every dollar you give him just enables him to buy drugs and alcohol. If he is broke after paying his bills, that is probably a good thing. He is likely grouchy because he wanted to use his rent money for whatever substance(s) he uses to get high.

    As far as how long alcohol stays in the system, it depends on the test. Urine tests can vary from twelve hours to eighty, depending on the type. I wouldn’t depend on one unless they tested him several times per week. The typical test will detect alcohol in the urine for 12-24 hours after drinking.
  16. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I harbor that same feeling about my son, but I know in my head that you can't push him into doing anything he wouldn't do without your "help". My son has told me in the past things like "You got me so upset that I went out and did blah blah blah." Nope, he went out and did blah blah blah because he wanted to but used me as an excuse so he wouldn't have to take responsibility for that choice.
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you could push him into doing things, you could push him into being sober.

    How is that working out? It is easier for our loved ones to blame others because they don't want to look in the mirror.
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  18. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member nailed it!
  19. update.... I was told he posted on social media basically saying he was going to take his life. (I had the post sent to me via someone else that was so very concerned) I had phone calls and text messages telling me I needed to call him because what he wrote was really scary... so I did call and of course no answer. He didn't answer anyone who reached out to him so I called for a welfare check... well... that didn't go over with him at all ... He was even told by the cop that more than one call came in for a welfare check on him so I was not the only one. didn't matter to my son at all.. he hates me unless he needs something and reminds me of a few years ago when I wouldn't get him out of a 72 hour hold from when he was suicidal back then.
    I was told that he is done dealing with me and called the police where he located to see what he has to do to make me stop...
    So with that I blocked his number..

    the following day he sent a text to his sister saying thanks for caring and that he took 9 benzo pills and was drunk and it is a miracle that he is alive.... She asked him why he did that and his answer was because the only person he cares about (his ex) doesn't care about him so he doesn't want to be here... Of course my daughter said then why should I care about you if you don't care about me and he told her to f off and stop the attitude.

    I will let go and let God.. I made sound like the worst mother in the world but seriously I can't take this anymore. He treats his family like sh*t and we are done. I truly believe God knows who will die by suicide. This isn't the first attempt he made and like he said he should have been dead so it isn't his time. My way of thinking could be off and no one may agree with me but I am done caring if he lives or dies. I am reading a very good book "The Joey Song" and I think I finally get letting go and letting God. When it hurts too much to love someone, you let go.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2019
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What you did or did not do has not one thing to do with his overdose. He may say it does. You may feel it does. But that is not the reality. The reality is that he acted impulsively or instrumentally for his own motives. Only he is responsible.

    He is abusing you and he is abusing himself. Until he gets that this is the case, I believe it is a dangerous and combustible combination, you and he. He will seek to manipulate you and be reactive when he is unable to control you.

    You are stronger and stronger each day, thus you are not succumbing to him. I believe that while in the short-term this can be explosive, in the medium and longer term, it could be better for him and for you.

    While he did take 6 benzos, he did not take 12 or 18. He chose that. He could have taken enough that would surely have wiped him out. He did not. At the same time he is playing Russian roulette. Only somebody who is out of control and/or wildly immature would take such a risk. What can you do?

    But I agree with you. You have played out your hand. He will have to save himself, and to turn to others for support. You and I will have to save ourselves. I am sorry. I support you.