Radical Compassion

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
love and compassion
You know my self-concept is this. But when my son changed, I became angry and frantic. Reactive. Terrified.

Looking back, I think I feared I had lost him and with that, I had lost myself.

Today my son said something like this: I am trying to not walk back and forth so as to not bother you. Am I achieving my goal or is it still bothersome?

I was so grateful to him. More than that, I felt my son was back. It settled something deep inside of me.

I do not know what has happened, if this is all an act or he took a Dale Carnegie course or he hit bottom or developed brain cells, or what.
I haven't wanted to see this before, but I have to know that with my limited view at the time I was doing what I thought was right.
I do not know what to think about this.

You see, I believed I was doing right the whole time until everything went off the tracks. Looking back I think I did good enough. Not as good as I could have done, but as good as I could do, which was good enough.

There is never more than this. To pretend that there is does not help. Of course there are other parents who do not have difficult children, but that does not mean they did any better than did I. Even if they choose to present this as a fact.

If that were the case, that there are degrees of good enough and better parenting, and the proof of the pudding is in the eating, now that my son seems (for now) better able to control himself, less hostile, working harder, cooperating more, more self-reflective and caring--I could join those "successful" parents. We have them here on the board, too, one or two, who seem to need or want to evaluate or even judge.

I do not want to and I will not go there.

There by the grace of G-d go I. I went there and I am surviving the trip back. I hope.

COPA
 

savior no more

Active Member
Looking back I think I did good enough. Not as good as I could have done, but as good as I could do, which was good enough.

There is never more than this. To pretend that there is does not help.

You are right. Part of what I grapple with is now knowing when he was so young and not knowing how impaired he was and not protecting him and setting boundaries. I guess part of me is still trying to find the rewind button and play the tune perfectly again with the "right" tempo. Like if I just had started earlier his path would be different. I think at some point an honest look at a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of my parenting is okay, but morose guilt and shame won't help me or him today. My basic parenting lacked due to my own weak boundaries and not knowing when harm was coming.

I feel this feeling right now as I see him sitting in jail possibly looking at a 30 year sentence and wondering if there is any way and how to protect him from himself and a system that doesn't appear to understand his problems. Or maybe the system does and I don't. Does that make sense?

I'm tired after working a 12 hour shift, so I guess just best to close this painful subject of my hidden pain and get some sleep. I appreciate the time you take to respond which jogs my feelings with more insight.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Part of what I grapple with is now knowing when he was so young and not knowing how impaired he was and not protecting him and setting boundaries
The illness may not have existed or certainly may not have manifested when he was young.

My son was sunny and open and optimistic. Everything changed when he was about 18. There could have been a genetic component. Who knows?
Like if I just had started earlier his path would be different.
My son I adopted when he was 22 months. I was aware of his history. He required and benefited from interventions throughout his childhood. But I never thought his adulthood would be like it is.

There is a mother here on the board that prepared her child by applying for disability, setting up support systems, etc. She believes these interventions helped her son realize his potential.

I believed my son could function fully without these supports. I believed that by assuming he would be limited, would in fact limit him.

I believe that both points of view are valid ones, although, if one looked at my son's functioning at a specific point of time, it could be said I was wrong. The thing is, nothing is written yet.

I admit, a 30 year sentence grabs one's attention. But the thing is you either believe that people write their own destiny or you do not. Which is not to say that there are not a million different ingredients in a life, that fuel it, and may determine it, and may delimit it. But their is choice too.

I believe with all my heart that you and I were good enough mothers who absolutely did the best we knew or could at the time.
Or maybe the system does and I don't. Does that make sense?
Yes. I worked in prisons many years. I know how easy it is to get there. Having worked there does not mean I understand one thing except that even in prison, probably, especially there, it is possible, even essential to choose the kind of life one has, and people do.

COPA
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Copa, yes, I prepared my son for adulthood. Copa, you did not know my son. He was always different, but does better every year.

Now this may sound odd, but by setting my son up with supports and ssi, he has actually thrived and almost uses no supports at all. He does nearly everything hinself, makes excellent life choices and works very hard. His social skills have leapt ahead. This is a child who started off so angry and delayed that nobody would adopt him. We werent even completely licensed yet but we were his only chance. We took it (and none of us slept or took him shopping for three years...haha.)

In sonics case we got him very early interventions and Special Education and focused on life functionality and each year he got better and better so we kept it up because it was working. Dramatically. By age ten he was ahead of all academic expectations for him, had a kind disposition, did not rebel or disobey and he never went downhill. He continues to improve drastcally each year.

I am his guardian but am thinking he doesnt need one much anymore. He still can not manage his money and wants to keep a payee. This is his measured decision. He is aware of his many strengths and challenges and makes his own decisions.

Copa, sonic and I have an unusual type of bond...both of us have challenges. I was fortunate to just seem to instinctively know what sonic needed to become a successful member of society. He has exceeded all expectations. I feel very confident that our decisions for this young man were spot on. I know he loves and appreciates us too and, best of all, he likes himself.

I did not do this spot on with all my kids. You know this. I made mistakes with princess that make me feel really badly...moved a shy, insecure middle school girl to a new state and school and after a divorce...stupid me! Shame on me! So trust me I do not feel like a great parent but I meant well, was loving and never did call my kids nasty names or demeaned them. I did better...much...than my own mom. You did too, copa.

Each child, I have found, is different. None come with a manuel. You did your very best based on what you knew about your son. I tried to do my best as well. We all did and do.

Somebody needs to write that dang parenting manuel...lol ;)

Love to all the caring mothers who read this. This means YOU.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks for this beautiful thread. I am so compassionate towards others. It never occurred to me to give myself a break. Partly because of my undiagnosed but severe disabilities I always felt lesser than and my self talk was all about how I pulled up short.

But I learned alternative ways to succeed in life and ive helped a lot of people (mostly children and the mentally ill) and needy animals and by studiously volunteering. Being a scholar or a bang up professional was never going to happen with my challenges. Nobody understood them, nor did I. I had the least compassion of anyone for myself. I accepted everyone but myself. I forgive almost everyone for almost anything except myself.

I needed to accept me as I am. I needed to learn about radical compassion. Now I need to do it.

All "different" people need this so much. Thanks agsin.
 

savior no more

Active Member
Somebody needs to write that dang parenting manuel...lol

I keep trying to find one to buy!! I wish I had started the proceedings on guardianship and disability sooner. Now that he is a convicted felon I'm not sure what is legally available to him. I told the last probation officer that I was talking to that my son would now become a ward of the state. No one seems to get what I am trying to tell them.

The social isolation that I feel at times is overwhelming when it seems to me the lack of social support in dealing with this. It seems that everywhere I turned for help when he was growing up that concerned government help or social funding was such a hurdle. I was asked to not bring him to church logos because he couldn't memorize the scriptures and participate. (Didn't realize the repressed anger over that until now.) The lady that was going to help him pay for barber school with the workforce in Action program told him he had lied to her on his charges for a misdemeanor possession. What she didn't know and he didn't tell her was the night before he was to start school he went with a bunch of kids who had major drugs on them and hung out and they all got felonies. He didn't lie to her - he didn't have the charges then. No help there now - but we can keep you in jail and prison rather than try to correct your thinking and lead you down a different path. I paid huge sums of cash for alternative treatments and care when I had a good job. I was like Copa - I thought that anyone could work hard and slowly I'm wondering if that might not be the case with him. What I am proud of him, though, in all of this is that he still has a sense of hope and changing his destiny. For that, he has a heart of a lion. I would venture to say most of our kids have more resilience than we know.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
What I am proud of him, though, in all of this is that he still has a sense of hope and changing his destiny. For that, he has a heart of a lion. I would venture to say most of our kids have more resilience than we know.
I am proud of him, too.

I do not know what the law is in your state but where I live I believe even felonies can be expunged.

The little bit of money I have, if I leave no survivors, will go to a recovery organization in LA run by a Rabbi and his social worker wife. The rabbi? A multi-term felon. I think robberies, and violent offenses. Drugs, too, I think. My people call that a no-goodnik.

I think already in his mid-thirties he decided to change. Eventually he went to rabbinical school. He must be in his sixties now. They serve hundreds of people with mental illness, addiction issues, you name it. They take anybody. A faith-based model.

My son is not one bit interested.

Society will give all sorts of chances if somebody changes. (I knew a young man when I was young who was arrested for selling drugs in England. He wanted to be an attorney. There is a provision whereby one goes before the bar and asks for an exemption to the ethics codes in place. He succeeded. That was more than 40 years ago.)

I worked in prisons and had to endure people asking why I had an FBI file. I can guess, but I am not exactly sure why.

The important thing is to change.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
It is true that not all people can work. I never quit trying but have probably been fired from 100 jobs (not sure that this is an exaggeration). The reason was always that I made too many mistakes. I did not have behavioral issues and always showed up. Ive been fired from mcdonalds to file clerk to retail for making too many mistakes. I am unable to multitask and need detailed, repetitive instructions. No employer wants to pay anyone six months or a year to maybe learn a job.

I did find, since I am good verbally, that I could work for answering services and some inside sales jobs. Technology wiped these jobs out.

It is not something most people want to face, but not everyone is equally capable. Working hard doesnt help all people. Many who like me turn to drugs or end up homeless and maybe we seem lazy to those who believe anyone can get a job that pays for lodging. I solved it by getting married. It wasnt a good marriage but it kept me from being homeless.

I come from a family of high acheivers. Its been hard but a huge learning experience and my life turned out filled with love. But many still misunderstand me. Thats ok now. I know the truth and how hard I did try. And im proud of the good I have done. The disabled often develop amazing compassion and success looks different to us. It is not about professional or financial achievement for us. It is about ones heart and the beautiful things in life that money will never buy. It is very hard to explain too. And many people dont even believe this (shrug).

Can't control what others think. But it is peaceful to cherish a beautiful flower over a fancy car or jewelry. I never understood why other "typical" people put such store in material items. From my neuro different brain...it seems foolish...even shallow. I dont get it. But thats the point. I am different and dont feel all of different is bad...thanks for reading this. I have kept this inside me for a long time. I feel like its time to explain how at least one differently wired adult had to struggle,even though I always tried hard and have a good IQ.
 
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savior no more

Active Member
I am different and don't feel all of different is bad...thanks for reading this. I have kept this inside me for a long time. I feel like its time to explain how at least one differently wired adult had to struggle
Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your honesty and you giving an adult voice to the struggles that I have witnessed my son have his whole life. I like how you related that you had ways to live and survive that gave you a meaningful existence. I wonder if our society isn't so focused on achieving and acquiring that we don't know much about being. What I have come to experience in my job is that we are all humans with value and that most people just want to be acknowledged for their existence - not their achievements (thought it's nice).
I guess because of this I become very verbal when people make judgements about people and their behavior. Recently an older man I knew posted on FB that Johnny Manziel (football player from Texas who obviously is struggling with mental health and substance abuse) was a sorry, no-good person.I had to reply that so-called "perfect" people one day could have a stroke or dementia and do all sorts of unacceptable or weird behavior after living a model life. It's no wonder I love working on the stroke/neuro floor in the hospital.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Savior, you get it. Not all of our d c are wired to care about what typical people value. And not all of our d c could make it in or would be able to conform, even if they tried, to typical professions. Some, like me, mqy get pleasure in doing ANY job that they can perform and receive praise. I have often said id get joy fro cleaning toilets if my boss appreciated the way I did it.

Academics, profession, money, posessions and even financial freedom do not guarantee happiness. In fact the CEO of a huge company, very wealthy and educated, hung himself. Hed lived across the street from me when I lived in an upscale area. This was when I was a kid. I was different then and teased for refusing to conform to buying clothes at Saks or the old Marshell Fields. I bought mine at discount stores. I refused to be my childs idea of a money snob. A money snob. I was different and rebelled against those values. I was different even then.

I am grateful I can live happily and with great satisfaction in a two bedroom apartment and not wish I had a mansion. I am grateful I am not concerned with how I look (although due to genetics I do look quite young and still pretty). But I dont play it up with make up and fancy clothes. To me, it is a waste of time. I am very glad that I can drive any old car and not envy or desire some fancy status symbol. I am glad I dont judge anyone by education level, job, profession or posessions. I love my blue jeans. I dont wear jewelry. Diamonds mean nothing to me conpared to rescuing a needy dog. I dont have or want diamonds. Yes, I am very different. If someone shows me their diamond ring I have to feign being inpressed. It doesnt do anything to me. Oddball. Weirdo. Different. That is me. I think in my own way . I value myown things.

I just need my hub and kids, a roof and activities. Most neurotypical people do not smell the roses (some do).

I happy to be different, but life has often been a struggle.
 
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