Rap Boy update- need help now with the other child

[Arttillygirl]

If you remember my son he's the one who, with other boys in the 9th grade, smashed a flat screen at the parochial school they attended where I teach who also wants to be the next Eminem (They were going to post it online as stupid kid video) That began the long road of dealing with the feeling of betrayal because it was at my school, finding a new school but not til a year later (year of hell for me teaching where my surley kid attends) and just Thursday he graduated from a charter school with an AA AND High School Degree.
We were thrilled and went to a lot of trouble to put together an extended family party and went to the graduation.
He ended up not coming home that night.
He texted and said where he was and we said fine, drive home safe and have fun. Then an hour later, after we'd gone to bed he texted and told us he was staying. We woke up at 3 to find him not there and from last posts you see that we'd had minor difficulty with drugs so we were very upset. So yesterday HE says we are controlling because we are upset that he stayed out all night with-out permission. If he had he asked we'd have extended his curfew-but not ALL NIGHT.
He left on foot angry and hasn't returned- we took his keys when he walked away from us while we were discussing consequences. I know he's trying to set the stage for the summer: he's a graduate now so he can come and go as he pleases.

THEN I get a call from my school. My daughter who's never been in trouble suddenly has had her own 9th grade "lets vandalize Mom's school" phase. She used to attend the school and was accepted to a magnet school close by. So one day a week she returns to the school to go to youth group. I got a call from the principal that she'd been with 2 boys who took master keys and had been roaming the school stealing theater props and smoking-my daughter with them. The boys got expelled and of course my daughter isn't in trouble because she doesn't go there but I am mortified! The previous week-Mother's Day of course, she is spending the night with a friend and has a vomiting frenzy the night before. We suspect a stomache bug but I finally got her to confess she tried a couple of sips of beer but no more-yeah right. I gave her grace and didn't get her in trouble w my husband or the girl's mom because it's a 1st offense but now that my eyes are opened to who she is-I don't know if that was the right call.

Now I honestly feel like I want to leave my job and have been crying all night and morning. After my son's incident, I was so embarrassed in front of all my colleagues I struggled to hold my head up and MAKE my son successful to say SEE we are a good family. But I can't even enjoy our success of getting him into a good college because now my daughter has done it too. I've worn out all my friends with my son's drama so I don't even feel like talking to anyone. I feel so much shame. I don't know how I can return on Monday nor do I want to even see my own teens anymore. easy child is appalled that this has come to light and so sorry. She didn't mean to hurt me, etc.

Just wanted to vent to people who understand.

 

[flutterby]

So, kids that screw up, get into trouble or have issues only come from bad families?

What your daughter did is very typical teen (typical teen) behavior, especially with the reaction she had to being found out.

Children are not an extension of ourselves.

 

[shellyd67]

I agree with flutterby. First off because your son attended the school you teach at, the staff knew every detail about him, ie. grades, personality, friends he hangs with etc. Believe me, I am sure some of them have had similiar situations with their own children that they were able to keep "quiet" because they attended a different school. You have a right to feel angry. I cannot tell you how many times my difficult child has embarrassed me to the point of tears. I am sorry you have to go through such a difficult situation. I hope you have better days ahead.

 

[slsh]

First off - YEA RAP BOY!!!! Honestly, that is simply fabulous news about his graduation. Really and truly.... I'm just so happy for you. Yes, sounds like his attitude is the pits, and it may be time to introduce the concept of living at home now is most *definitely* a privilege, not a right. Perhaps an invitation to find a new home to come and go as he pleases may be in order. But the fact that he got that diploma *and * the AA under his belt is just such fabulous news - don't take it for granted. And headed off to college??? Wonderful wonderful wonderful!!!

As for your beloved daughter - sounds like a case of temporary teenage-induced loss of judgment. Even the best easy child loses their mind once in a while. I'm not excusing her, and there should be consequences, but the fact that she is appalled is a very good sign in my book. Perhaps a heartfelt apology letter from her to the staff of the school might go a long way in soothing your rattled nerves?

I understand your mortification, but the goofy stuff our kids do is *not* a reflection on our character or whether or not we're decent people. Just as our kids' accomplishments, unfortunately, really aren't a reflection on us either (though we always do tend to think of it that way, don't we?? ). I'd bet the vast majority of the staff at school either already have a kid who has goofed majorly or they will by the time their kids graduate.... it's just unfortunate that your kids chose to pull their stunts where you're well known.

Don't beat yourself up too much - it was her action, not yours.

 

[susiestar]

I am a teacher's kid. I know for a FACT that some of your colleagues have kids like yours - they just don't go to your school. In fact, my mom INSISTED that we NEVER go to a school my dad taught in for just that reason. My bro was a difficult child. heck, one of my parents' close friends' is raising her grandson because her daughter refused to. daughter now has 2 more kids and only wants the oldest around when she needs a sitter. She is a difficult child at heart in a BIG way. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Your daughter is appalled. That is good. It means that if you crack down she MAY turn herself around. Have you ever watched the show 7th Heaven? It is about a preacher's family. The oldest daughter goes off the rails and trashes the gym at the high school her senior year. It might give you some ideas if you watch it.

Rap Boy graduated with a diploma AND an AA? AWESOME!!!!!! That is truly great!!!!So are college plans. You might want to talk with Marg about the transition to life with an adult child if you let him stay at home. He has a diploma and a degree. It means he should be able to find some kind of job. You may want to have him move out, to get an ideal what REAL life is like. Esp if you do not think he will respect your home and rules now that he has graduated.

At this point, with him graduating, you can really stop paying for things for him. It might be a good wakeup call to sit him down and explain the rules. Rent in an amount you set is a good idea. Your home, your rules. Lay out those rules and the consequences that you WILL follow through with. Put it in writing and give him a copy. File a copy with your signature. Make SURE that you put that he must move out immediately if certain things happen. You will NEED that, in writing and signed, if your town is like many. They may want you to do a formal eviction rather than just kick him out if he breaks the rules. The signed paper would be an agreement and would make it so you did not need to go through formal eviction in most areas.

Congrats on the graduation!!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I'm sorry about the embarassment. My kid would have been in BIg trouble if that happened. I'm not quite sure what I'd do, but it would have come from me, if not the school. I don't think it's typical teen to vandalize schools, especially where your parents work. I think that makes it even worse.

As for the drinking...I expect my kid to try it (she's 14 now), but I'm not going to just let it go because most kids try it. In her case, drug abuse and alcoholism are on her family tree (she is adopted) and she knows it's more likely if she messes with these things that she will get addicted than anther child. I wouldn't be sure I could stop it, but I'd sure try. It's like when my ex-drug abusing daughter used to bring cigarettes home, I knew I couldn't stop her from smoking them (I think it's a horrid, unhealthy habit), but I could express my dislike by going through her purse, destroying every package I find, and cutting off all of her allowance (we bought the stuff she needed ourselves). We also turned her in when we found her with pot. We did the best we could to keep her near us, but, of course, after a certain age you can't BUT she did get a strong message. And she had a job at Walmart at 16 because as long as she did things we knew were bad for her, SHE had to foot her own bills. And she was quite good at her job and at showing up for work as it was her only source of "fun" money. We provided only food and cheap clothing and a warm bed, but nothing extra because we knew she'd use our money the wrong way. I think it paid off. She eventually quit all drugs and even quit smoking cigarettes and is a health nut. On top of that, she has an amazing work ethic.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is. But good for your son...congrats to him on graduation!

 

[Arttillygirl]

Thanks for the posts. I feel like I can somewhat raise my head at school-
So back to my son: What is a fair curfew for an 18 year old before he leaves for college?

 

[BusynMember]

My kids had a 1:00 curfew, but if they were doing something interesting and innocent, they could CALL me and say, "I won't be home until 3." Now these kids were PCs and were usually home by then or at a friend's house, not wandering the streets or driving around. I could trust them. A lot has to do with the kid. I don't believe 18 means you automatically get to be an adult. in my opinion that happens after you live on your own and are supporting yourself. Until then, they have to follow some rules.

If they are the sort of kids who do drugs or are prone to it, I would hold the leash tighter. I had one of those kids and it was different.

 

[DammitJanet]

Curfew depends on the kid.

Cory basically didnt have a curfew because even at 18 we didnt trust him out alone. LOL.

The other two didnt need a curfew because they rarely were out late or if they were they told us ahead of time and we knew exactly where they were and why. Jamie was once heard telling a friend of his that he didnt want to go out late because there was nothing he wanted to do at that time of night that he couldnt do earlier...lmao.

 

[Arttillygirl]

Well he finally came home last night. GONE 6 days!! Repentant, depressed, just generally confused.
daughter said she's been depressed for over a year so we are seeing the psychiatrist. It seems very coincidental that they pull the sad card and we cave but what else can we do? We love them, discipline them and seek help in case we are missing something. Then I guess its just time right?

 

[susiestar]

In no way did I mean that vandalizing is typical teen or acceptable. I just meant that the other teachers have gone through it or will go through it, so she shouldn't feel too embarrassed. Her daughter should feel embarrassed!

Seeing a doctor is good, but it does NOT eliminate the consequences. At least not here.

As for curfew, what does your gut say? Does he get angry or aggressive or whiny or whatever if he stays out all night? Will he stop going to work/school if he is out really late?

A LARGE part of the curfew should be based on what time everyone else goes to bed. He should be home and settling down by the time you go to sleep so that you won't be disturbed. You meaning parents and siblings who have to get up for school/work. Is he noisy when he comes in or if he is rattling around the house after you go to sleep? Will his vehicle or friends' vehicle wake you up when it pulls in and when it leaves?

Rules should be partially based on your values and how his actions will impact the family. Esp those who have to go to work/school the next day and those who have to deal with his moods/attitude when he is tired.

I hope you can set some rules for coming home every day if he is going to continue to live at home.

Hugs.