Dearest SD, I know this is difficult. There is no right or wrong here. Setting boundaries and standing by them is key. Detachment doesn’t mean we coldly cut our adult children from our lives. It means we will not put up with unacceptable behaviors in our homes, and we work hard not to despair over their choices and consequences. If it is in your heart to check in with him and see how he is doing, keeping communication with him, there is nothing wrong with that. For some here, it has helped. I am glad your son responded to your husbands text. He knows that you both love him and I believe that is important.
Be kind to yourself and stand firm with love. We all hope the best for our d cs, that they will find their potential. We are not hard hearted, we are compassionate parents who wish the best for our adult children. We have also all endured very difficult times at one point or another in raising them. When they are of age and still making choices that affect them, us and the peace of our homes, what can we do? You gave your son a choice to straighten up and abide by house rules or leave. He chose to leave. I know it is hard right now. I have been where you are at many times.
The thing is, we also have to have compassion for ourselves. It is difficult to live with someone who disregards house rules. It is disrespectful to you and the peace of your home.
Try not to write the end of the story. That is what helps me, when I am sad over my two and the lifestyle they are choosing.
Where there is life, there is hope.
One thing I know for certain, is that my two were not thriving in my household. They stagnated and continued on a downward spiral. My home became like a war zone, a place I didn't want to be.
I spend my mornings walking and praying for my two. This helps me tremendously. What rang in my mind this morning was my task to nurture myself, to have self respect and compassion for myself.
It is a grieving we go through, when our d cs go off the rails. I am pretty sure that you and your husband have tried just about everything to help your son launch successfully. When things get so hard that we are forced to give ultimatums, that is telling. In having compassion for yourself, the sanctity of your home, you are also loving your son. You are showing him that life has expectations and rules.
When one refuses rules, there are consequences. Now, he has an opportunity to seek his life, and he will do this, whether he is in your home or not, his way. Hopefully, he will learn to make better choices.
Try to spend this time finding ways to replenish and strengthen yourself.
There is no judgement here. We have all pretty much been through the ups and downs and sideways of this. It is a difficult journey, what works for some, may not work for others.
One thing for sure, we all support one another here.
May you find peace today.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy