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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759694" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Serenitysoul</p><p></p><p>As you can see, your story with your daughter is much like the rest of ours with our children. We feel we are left holding the bag, when our children don't launch according to expectations or like others their age. We are left with guilt, fear, near-constant anxiety--and our own lives have become conflict-ridden because we find ourselves too immersed in them and their lives. It does seem cyclical. Either they (or we) are able to move away emotionally or physically for a time. And yet it begins again, and again, when their needs (or ours) overwhelm our best instincts.</p><p></p><p>After nearly 6 years on this forum this is what I have come to.</p><p></p><p>My serenity is in me. Not in my child. My serenity is not about him. And I have to work for my serenity. I take classes. I am involved in groups. I meditate and I pray. I exercise. I have interests, that I cherish. We are not defined by our relationships with our adult children, unless we permit this. I had to learn to no longer permit it. Sometimes it is easier than other times.</p><p></p><p>If I do decide to help him or engage with him, the situation requires crystal clear boundaries, which I assert over and over again, without the expectation that he either understands them, accepts them or complies. It is to accept 100 percent responsibility, myself, for this choice, to involve myself. If I can't or won't do this I shouldn't do it. There is the realization that we have zero control over another person.</p><p></p><p>Only you, not anybody else, can decide what is right for you in relation to your child. While others judge (and we may judge ourselves) judgment is not called for and doesn't help. We are mothers and we love these adult children with all of our hearts. I think a Mom who raises a child alone, has a special bond and special burden. And this speaks to the child as well. This calls for great compassion all the way around.</p><p></p><p>Finally, there are groups that help. Like Al-Anon. Some go to counseling. Some post here every day, all day (I did, at one time.)</p><p>By posting on everybody else's threads, I was able to hear my own voice, my own thoughts. It was easier to find clarity about other peoples' lives, other parents' pain.</p><p></p><p>We have to disengage from their craziness and the craziness that they make in their lives. This does not mean we have to sever our relationship with them, although it might. However, some do choose this, until their children are motivated to learn to treat them with caring and respect and to observe boundaries. But all of us recognize that we can't motivate or make anybody choose to treat well either us or themselves.</p><p></p><p>Finally. There are no perfect parents. As there are no perfect children. Let it go. Stop putting pins in the voodoo doll. It doesn't help. Welcome. We are glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759694, member: 18958"] Dear Serenitysoul As you can see, your story with your daughter is much like the rest of ours with our children. We feel we are left holding the bag, when our children don't launch according to expectations or like others their age. We are left with guilt, fear, near-constant anxiety--and our own lives have become conflict-ridden because we find ourselves too immersed in them and their lives. It does seem cyclical. Either they (or we) are able to move away emotionally or physically for a time. And yet it begins again, and again, when their needs (or ours) overwhelm our best instincts. After nearly 6 years on this forum this is what I have come to. My serenity is in me. Not in my child. My serenity is not about him. And I have to work for my serenity. I take classes. I am involved in groups. I meditate and I pray. I exercise. I have interests, that I cherish. We are not defined by our relationships with our adult children, unless we permit this. I had to learn to no longer permit it. Sometimes it is easier than other times. If I do decide to help him or engage with him, the situation requires crystal clear boundaries, which I assert over and over again, without the expectation that he either understands them, accepts them or complies. It is to accept 100 percent responsibility, myself, for this choice, to involve myself. If I can't or won't do this I shouldn't do it. There is the realization that we have zero control over another person. Only you, not anybody else, can decide what is right for you in relation to your child. While others judge (and we may judge ourselves) judgment is not called for and doesn't help. We are mothers and we love these adult children with all of our hearts. I think a Mom who raises a child alone, has a special bond and special burden. And this speaks to the child as well. This calls for great compassion all the way around. Finally, there are groups that help. Like Al-Anon. Some go to counseling. Some post here every day, all day (I did, at one time.) By posting on everybody else's threads, I was able to hear my own voice, my own thoughts. It was easier to find clarity about other peoples' lives, other parents' pain. We have to disengage from their craziness and the craziness that they make in their lives. This does not mean we have to sever our relationship with them, although it might. However, some do choose this, until their children are motivated to learn to treat them with caring and respect and to observe boundaries. But all of us recognize that we can't motivate or make anybody choose to treat well either us or themselves. Finally. There are no perfect parents. As there are no perfect children. Let it go. Stop putting pins in the voodoo doll. It doesn't help. Welcome. We are glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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