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Real Time Dilemma- need feedback

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Feb 9, 2019.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Son living in sober house 1/1/2 hours away came to town to pick up car from garage. Car is a piece of junk and mechanic told him so, he came to house to pick up some belongings - car overheating still. He asked to use bathroom, started vomiting - said housemate has the flu. I let him lay down and he's thrown up at least a dozen time. Begged me to let him stay the night til better.

    Husband away for the day. Angry I let him (his stepson, my son) because he says it will keep happening because of continued poor choices, manipulation, etc.

    Husband gave ultimatum to have him out of house in two hours.
    Can two realities be right?
    Son was trying to get car fixed to keep job. He is sober and it's not his fault he got sick.
    Husband is right that this has been happening for 15 years (son 33), and it will never stop until we stick to boundaries.

    Feel whatever I do is wrong.
    Help!
     
  2. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Sorry for double posting. I keep messing this up because I forget to refresh to see post.
     
  3. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Does he have a fever? I have to wonder if he's really sick or throwing up because of too much of something bad? Maybe that's what husband is wondering too.
     
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If you think he's being honest about having the flu, maybe it wouldn't hurt to let him stay one night. If he's also having diarrhea, you can bet he's truly sick. I would be skeptical about drunkenness or a hangover
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hmmm. Son may be manipulating you as others have said. BUT your husband is not there and you are. You see your son, he doesnt and so you are the one who should be making the decision. Son should not be driving in that condition. So I think you should do what feels right to you.
     
  6. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I posted this same reply on my other post.
    Thanks profusely for the replies, which helped me to stay calm in the situation. This is what I did:

    I told my husband that if my son did not stop vomiting I would take him to the emergency room, and that I would get a hotel room for the night for him, and bring him to the sober house this morning. He begged to stay at our house, said he is lonely, and there would be no one to help him. FOG,which made me sad, but I did not relent. Husband didn't relent either.

    DS did stop throwing up. I told him the offer still stood, but I would also be willing to drive him to the sober house last night and give them a check for $125 for a week's rent, rather than renting a hotel room for the same price.

    He chose that, which was good. I bought him ginger ale, crackers, and flu medicine, told him I loved him, and drove him the 1 1/2 hours there last night.
    I was glad that I let him stay a little while, my husband is still not happy about that - wants clear, firm boundaries, and I am feeling actually okay, but also just really sad and full of grief about so many hard things.

    Thank to all who responded for your support.
     
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  7. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    When I was a couple of years younger than Acacia's son, I was living in Germany (Army wife), and full time employed (IT contractor).

    My husband was deployed (Persian Gulf), and as luck would have it, I got a miserable stomach bug (likely norovirus). I was throwing my guts up for several hours, got quite dehydrated, and finally called a cab to take me to the local hospital (we were a satellite base and the dispensary was closed) where I was given IV fluids and medication for nausea, and medication to take home. It was the middle of the night, and all night "pharmacies" were not a thing at that time at least.

    I did have soup and "matzen" (matzoh) in the house, and fizzy mineral water.

    There was no one to take care of me. Just me, a dog, and 2 cats, one of whom required regular medication.

    You know what? I took care of myself. Just like any adult would.

    You did the right thing. You bought him some stuff to take care of himself, and sent him on his way. However, in my opinion, he owes you money for the rent, and boundaries need to be set in terms of him coming over with-o permission.
     
  8. LJFromOz

    LJFromOz Member

    Acacia, I'm glad you found a solution you were comfortable with. It sounds like you made a good choice. Hugs.
     
  9. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    You're about taking care of yourself as adult. What I am realizing more and more is that my son is not psychologically an adult. He started using at 11 (introduced to it by his dad:(), and he is developmentally stuck at the age he started using. I know I can't change that - it's his work to do.

    Thanks for all the support.