Really nervous. YS acting sweet. Don't trust him.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Apr 11, 2019.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Out of the blue YS has reappeared. Not to me or W directly but to another relative who was intimately involved in his recovery from attempted suicide and against whom he has professed sheer hatred since he left the hospital.

    He has agreed to see us soon for the Easter holiday. Both W and I are wary and on edge. This is totally unlike his behavior for the past year. He has declaimed and delineated over and over again, in very strong language, his hatred for us and his desire to never see us again. And just last week, he exchanged texts with yet another relative which led to said relative stating that YS could not be trusted around any of us because of his anger and volatile mental state.

    The suddenness of this shift is really concerning to me.

    The relative mentioned in the first paragraph saw YS last weekend. YS asked for, and received, money from this wealthy relative. Cash money.

    I am terrified he will be using this money to purchase a weapon and harm or kill my W and others on the holiday. Possibly including me. It would be consistent with his words and actions over the past year and if he has grown totally unhinged....I can't bear to even consider the horrible possibilities of what he might do.

    I have no proof. He has made no threats that I am aware of. The content of the texts/calls he exchanged with our other relative were never disclosed. But that relative was adamant that YS not be allowed around the family under any circumstances due to YS' anger and overall frame of mind.

    I have no idea what to do. I am considering not attending the holiday dinner where YS is now apparently expected. I can't tell W what to do, though obviously I would prefer she not attend either.

    What would you guys do if this was you?
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    BBU,

    I would not attend an event if I thought someone there might harm or kill me, no matter how ‘not attending’ could be interpreted by others.

    I encourage you not to go if you feel that something could happen. It’s not worth taking a chance with your life.

    I remember that YS did try to take his life, and it’s scary to think that he could possibly be planning a murder/suicide event that could give him recognition or fame (in his mind). I hope this is t the case, but you need to protect yourself first and foremost.

    Let us know what you decide.
     
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with AppleCori. I would not want to go, and I would encourage W to not attend, either. The possibility that YS could be planning something to harm you and/or himself would make me incredibly nervous.

    Both of you please stay safe.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    BBU. Hi. I agree with the others. Under no circumstances would I go, and I would strongly encourage W not to go.

    It's upsetting that the relative made all those inferences but would not give you the content. I think this is irresponsible to the extreme.

    I wonder if the therapist of YS should be contacted by his mother. In my state if a therapist suspects that there is an identifiable target of a crime, they have a duty to warn the intended victim and to involve the police. The thing is what you know so far is innuendo and speculation. But it sure makes sense to me.

    All of this sounds extremely concerning.
     
  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks for all the feedback. It will be a difficult conversation, and I have a few days to prepare for it as the event in question is next weekend, but I feel strongly that our safety may be at risk. I agree that we should not attend this event if YS is going to be there.

    W has been attempting, unsuccessfully, to connect with YS' outside therapist for months now. Early in YS' treatment, she spoke to W regularly and we had a couple of appointments with her (myself and W) to discuss YS' progress. That has all changed dramatically. The therapist has stopped communicating with my wife entirely. W has made repeated calls, emails and texts with no response.

    Similarly, with his therapist at school, after a positive initial relationship she (therapist) has stopped responding to W. When W does manage to make contact with this therapist she responds in very brief answers and doesn't give any information.

    I'm guessing YS must have revoked consent for W to receive information about his treatment.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, how will you know if he will be there? While the chance of this may be small, he could say he won't be there but show up. How could you be at peace let alone enjoy yourself? I would only go if I was prepared emotionally to deal with whatever happens. *But then, how does one equip themselves to deal with the possibility of violent attack, at a family celebration? It does seem that in your wife's family there may be no bottom line.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2019
  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    it is always a scary thing when threats are made. I would not go and would also encourage wife not to go. If you get creddible info that he is planning something i would go to police or crisis center not wait for the councelor to respond.
     
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  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trust your instincts.
    If I felt the way you feel, I would not go, I have learned to always trust my first instinct.
    Your wife's instincts may be colored by her desire to see her son......trust yourself.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry that you have to cope with this. It seems there is no end to the trauma, doesn't it? Even suspecting that YS may try to harm you and/or W seriously, and/or kill you, is a trauma that should be treated seriously.

    As for the family event, I would NOT go. There are times I made HUGE mistakes with my kids. Each of those was allowed to happen by ignoring my instincts. I BEG you, do NOT ignore the instinct that says to stay away from YS. If he comes to your home and W insists on letting him in, go out a back door. Make sure you have a phone with you and call 911 if needed.

    Don't ever think that just because he is a child, that he could not seriously harm you. He is an older teen now, and who knows what his brother, friends, or even his father have led him to believe is acceptable treatment of you. I lived through my violent child, partly through getting him out of the house at a crucial, painfully young age. I knew he was in a stable, safe place. I also had instincts that told me we were perilously close to the point of no return. I wish I hadn't let it get so close to that point. Don't stay quiet and later wish you had talked about this with W. If you cannot stop her attendance at the event, she is an adult. But you don't have to go. Many times people think I got my son out of our home because I loved him less than my other kids, or because I had given up on him. Those things are not true. I got him out to save him. To keep him from being able to do something irrevocable that would lead to a prison sentence or suicide when the guilt over his actions hit him.

    I hope and pray that you stay safe, and that if YS is planning something, he does not carry it out. Well meaning relatives to give gifts, especially cash, to our children, are not always a blessing.

    Maybe think of not attending as loving YS enough to NOT put him in a position to harm you. If he is expressing his anger to one relative, and hiding it to get money from another, this might be an approach that W can understand. It was the one argument that broke through to reach my own husband.
     
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  10. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Update. We did go to the family Easter dinner. YS did not attend. We got clarification from our relative about the statements YS made which were concerning to said relative. With this clarification we feel pretty confident that there is no imminent risk of harm coming to anyone in the family, including YS himself.

    W and I are doing well, I am feeling better about things. Going up and down a lot which I guess is to be expected when a marriage is trying to find its footing again after a time of trial. But mostly better.

    That is all. Hope everyone had a great holiday.
     
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  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Very happy to hear your update BBU, glad things are more calm and that you're feeling optimistic.
     
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