Reconciliation

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Dec 21, 2018.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I haven't been around here too much of late. There hasn't been much to report.

    We remain completely estranged from DS and YS and there is no indication of that changing anytime soon. An offer was made to spend some time over Xmas via F, and both boys (or should I say, young men) refused.

    W and I are continuing on the path of reconciliation. We are stronger for it. Each day that passes brings us closer together. Our crisis made us both realize that we were taking each other for granted, and taking out lots of resentment on one another. We've stopped doing those things and feel almost like newlyweds again.

    We will be celebrating the US Christmas holiday in town with family, hers and mine. Then we leave for a one week vacation. It is sorely needed. As difficult as last year was with YS' suicide attempt and months of hospitalization, this year was worse, especially the period from late August through mid November when my marriage was on the verge of collapsing. Like YS, we have made a miraculous recovery.

    W and I are both in IC and it is going well. I am doing trauma based somatic therapy and internal family systems work. It is revolutionary for me. Finally I feel I am understanding and more importantly, healing from attachment issues which have plagued me since infancy, honestly. I am stronger in a way I never thought possible. I realize I have given power to others my entire life when the power really rests within myself (as an adult). How freeing!

    The limited information F provides about the boys is not encouraging at the present time. DS is jobless and while technically still enrolled at his online HS, has done no work since last year. YS is still attending his therapeutic school but he has had a number of disciplinary issues this year, due largely to his impulsive behavior with females. He now wants to attend online school too, like his brother. This is absolutely a non starter as he needs constant supervision to avoid making poor decisions compromising his safety and that of others. The one phone conversation W had with YS in recent memory was about this subject. When she refused to grant her consent for his request, he cursed her out and hung up on her. We haven't heard from him since.

    YS' medications have been switched and he is now taking a mood stabilizer which according to F, is having good results.

    What choice do we have? We must accept the boys' decision to remain apart from us, just as I must accept that my former best friend of nearly 40 years chose not to continue our friendship. While he has not reached out (and I didn't expect him to do so), I have made my own decision, that the friendship is over. The sunk cost fallacy comes to mind. Longevity is not a reason to continue a dysfunctional relationship be it platonic or romantic. It is sobering to realize I am happier without this friend in my life. I also believe my relationship with W is healthier because I no longer have my friend to commiserate/complain about W with. Instead I am forced to deal with my issues with W directly. This has helped us immensely.

    I need new friends and lucky for me, I have never had a hard time making them.

    I hope everyone's holiday season is happy, or as happy as possible given circumstances.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the update BBU. Although it is a sobering account of massive shifts & changes, your resilience, courage, commitment & acceptance speaks volumes to your health and well being. Letting go is the most difficult aspect of living, it requires us to surrender to what is, an extremely difficult task for humans......you've made very difficult yet life affirming choices.....bravo!

    Enjoy your holiday season BBU.....you've done a wonderful job of caring for yourself and opening your heart to love.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is actually a warm, heart tingling update, BBU. The boys are so troubled that this break, however long it lasts, may be helpful for wife's mental health. And she and you both know they are not on the streets like some are. You dont have that to eorryeabout.

    You can reconnect in peace. Take a second honeymoon, actually. Some day things could change with the boys but for now it isnt going to happen and you have one another.

    I a very happy for both of you as far as your relationship goes and keep posting please. I am quite sure you are very well liked here and we would appreciate updates!
     
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    :bpotd:
     
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    A very good update. Children grow and leave home. But, if we're lucky, a spouse may be with you for life. It's good your marriage is reconciling and growing stronger. Your children will return in good time.

    Have a peaceful and joyful holiday.
     
  6. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Quick post-holiday update. W and I had a delightful vacation. Now it's back to the grind. Our first week back in the real world has been going well.

    Our reconciliation continues to move forward. There are difficult moments, but for the most part our relationship feels renewed and reinvigorated having survived such difficulty.

    I'll continue to stick around.
     
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the positive update. Very glad you'll be "sticking around!"