rehab question

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by bluebell, Aug 29, 2018.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Sorry guys if this question has been asked. My son is out of the home but has been talking about ways to get out of his situation with drugs/friends. The last time this happened I promised him rehab but when I applied to the only one our insurance covered, I told 'everything' the whole gory story (physical violence, hospitalizations, etc) and they denied him admittance saying he was beyond their level of care. They recommended a place that costs tens of thousands that we just can't afford. So we enrolled him in IOP which he quit and kinda got ok on his own for about a year but now he is kicked out and couch surfing with friends that he hadn't seen in a while.

    So my question - do I have him apply at the 'community' rehab in our city, as a homeless person with no resources and tell him not to give all the details of his mental illness? I don't even know if he is mentally ill or not, since the drug abuse has paralleled these issues. And I don't believe he is violent with anyone but his father. He's been a big time drug dealer (I'm talking thousands and thousands of dollars) and never gotten into any sort of physical altercation. I don't want him to be dishonest, but I do want him to get help. Any help. Any place to live if he doesn't want to live where he is - in a drug den. BUT he could be in trouble - he is known as a snitch in our town. My daughter has seen it on social media. He did have several felonies last year that strangely disappeared.

    His other option (and his preferred) is to go live with my brother 10 hours away. I have no idea what that would accomplish at this point. But of course he's wanting to get out of dodge. I know from last time that I can't jump in and take over on the rehab search or else I will be financially responsible and my son will expect me to run the whole show. And I've done enough of that when he was a minor. I am not physically well and saving pennies for early retirement. Thoughts?
  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Just my two cents - but I think at 21 your son should start taking responsibility for his own recovery. I think we don't do our kids any favors when we prolong adolescence and make ourselves responsible for them too far into their 20s. At 21, he's still young, and you'll have to make the call how long you want to treat him as a young person still under your care and when you transition to considering him a full adult. I don't think it's a cut and dry answer at that age. You know your son best, and your financial situation. But so many of us have poured resources into minor and young adult children, only to realize later that the only effective treatment is the one they truly want and take responsibility for themselves.

    I would encourage you not to spend money you don't have or put your own health or retirement at risk. I always keep the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others" mantra in mind. You can't help anyone if you go under. So take care of you and your future needs, and don't feel guilty. After all...can you count on him to help YOU if the resourcesyou expend now put you in dire straights in your older years?

    When my kids were that age, there wasn't the option of keeping them on insurance past 18 unless they were a high school or full-time college student and considered a dependent. So insurance-based rehab programs were not an option once they hit legal adulthood and were out on their own. And I certainly didn't have the money to pay tens of thousands of dollars for private treatment. I used to feel really guilty about that, and wonder whether those treatment programs would have made a difference. But the more I learn the more I think it would have been money down the drain at that point anyway. I've watched a couple of friends empty retirement accounts and get second mortgages on houses trying to scrape together funds for programs, only to see their kids relapse within weeks or months of release. I promised myself I would not put my future stability at risk. I do what I can - I've paid to get them set up with apartments, purchased cars, provided groceries, and paid for education and job training programs. I've provided transportation to counseling or treatment centers. But I don't cosign loans or leases and I don't commit to paying for treatments or programs I cannot afford. I don't pay off debts, medical or otherwise, I did not incur. There are community-based options they can check themselves into. There is AA. There are things they can be doing to get help on their own, free or sliding scale. If they are doing these things, MAYBE I would consider helping to pay for something more - private counseling, for example, or expenses for a sober living house for a few months. But they have to be in charge of their recovery as adults. I cannot be in charge.

    As far as living with his uncle...I don't know. How does your brother feel about it? Is he willing to assume the risks if things go badly? What are the parameters your son would have to live within? What are the consequences if he fails to live within them? What's plan B if it doesn't work out? And how committed is your son to making that time a true opportunity for a new life, vs. a temporary respite from the trouble he's gotten himself into?
  3. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Yes, Elsi maybe I wasn't clear. We have already spent enough on our son as a juvenile in various programs and the community rehab is his only option. He was denied into the insurance based rehab last year and I do not dare to reapply. What my questions is - is what is the best way for him to be accepted into the community rehab and not be denied like last time because he needs 'more care than they can give'? Gloss over the past mental health issues? I suppose it is a fine line between getting approved and denied. I am not able to do the legwork to get him into this rehab, but I would like to give him the guidance he needs to actually get in. Does that make sense?

    I personally don't think it's a good idea for him to live with his uncle, but I'm leaving all that up to them. I haven't talked to my brother about it, we really don't talk much, not to bring up another sore spot, but he moved out of state 'to find himself' last year and left me with our father who was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago right when I needed him most, and knowing my 88 year old mother in law is going downhill too. I figure my brother can set those parameters and if it doesn't work out, then he can be mad at me. Sorry, like I said - sore spot...
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I would recommend the program my son is in. If you are interested, send me a private message. It was not expensive and they work to pay for part of it.
  5. OTE

    OTE Guest

    What Elsi said..

    It sounds like you were not involved in his decisions with the legal system. He may have made a choice to testify against someone else. That's a huge decision in that world. And carries huge danger. But he didn't consult you about such an important decision? Why do you think then that he can't make decisions for himself?

    My assumption then is that he's not coming to you for help making decisions but for help with money, logistics and manipulating others. Sorry but he is an addict and this is what they do. So you are agonizing unnecessarily about giving him advice. Focus on what he wants from you and your reply to that. You've decided no money. I suggest that you not interfere in his relationship with relatives. Presumably they know who he is and what he wants. Make sure they know what to expect and let those adults make their own decisions. He has put himself in danger. Whoever he lives with needs to know that.

    Honesty is a necessity for treatment. I suggest that even thinking of being dishonest with himself or others will impede his recovery. Any treatment isn't a good thing. It can lead him to think that treatment won't work for him.

    I can recommend that you detach.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 29, 2018
  6. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Y'all are right I am agonizing. I don't know anything about his legal issues, I quit going even to his juvenile hearings after he turned 18 (because it takes so long to get a hearing). They freaked out but what could they do. They never did anything to him anyway.
    The only thing he's come to me for is wanting me to ask my brother if he could live with him and I told him he would have to ask him - so I guess that falls under 'logistics and manipulating others'.
    I'm just agonizing over what to do if he comes knocking like he did last year and wants to go to the community rehab and if there is any way he could actually get approved for some sort of services. I'd just like to be able to tell him what to say and what not to say. He can't live here and I've heard suggestions of giving adult children lists of places they could try. I just can't see myself at least not doing that.
  7. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Yes, it does. Sorry I misunderstood - it sounds like you've already worked through a lot of the detaching on the financial liability side. I think OTE has given some good advice here. I'm in much the same spot as you with my eldest - I can't have him here, but I don't want to completely stop offering guidance and support when/if he is trying to help himself. I don't know enough about how those community places work myself to offer specific advice for you to give your son (or me to give my son, for that matter). I agree with OTE that treatment won't be successful if he can't come to it from a place of honesty - he has to be able to be honest with both himself and others. But surely these places are familiar with the kinds of problematic behaviors and mental health issues that go along with addiction? I can't imagine that many people who end up there fit the model of the "functional" addict holding down a good job and without any brushes with the law.

    Sounds like our sons will both be working through these issues.
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  8. OTE

    OTE Guest

    Of course you want to offer what help you can. But if he hasn't told you he wants to go to rehab then he doesn't. Don't torture yourself. And giving him a list of places doesn't include telling him what to say.

    In any event, in my opinion you should never recommend he say anything other than the truth. After all, do we want to encourage our kids to lie? Especially an addict? As Elsi said, rehabs know. They'll figure it out. And if he doesn't meet their criteria they'll kick him out anyway. So its maybe setting him up for failure. But this is all irrelevant and I'm now participating and encouraging your anxiety!!!

    Let it go! Type up a list of free/ sliding scale places with names, addresses and phone numbers and put it away. It should include places that are not in your area. If your brother says no give it to your son.

    Work on detachment and not things you can't control.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are rehabs (even expensive ones) that take "scholarship" students. If your son is serious about getting sober and finding a rehab, he needs to start calling until he finds one. I wouldn't recommend lying to get into the community rehab because they will kick him out if they find out.

    What issues did the last rehab say were the reasons they wouldn't take him? Almost all addicts/alcoholics have criminal issues in their past and many have some kind of mental illness which is why there are so many dual diagnosis treatment centers.
  10. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I don't know. They wouldn't talk to me. My son went ballistic and I'm not sure what they said. It took them 4 days to deny him and it was 4 days of hell, I had to take off work and help him detox because we didn't know benzos were so hard to detox from. It's really why I was asking. I don't know what it was and they wouldn't return my calls. That he had been in a therapeutic hospital for suicide threat at 17? Drug charges? I mean I really don't know. I don't want to lie but I don't feel bad omitting the hospitalization since it was years ago. My son did make several calls last year but came up with nothing under 60K besides IOP and that failed. Unfortunately, it was a disaster and he became frustrated and it's obvious he needs help with coping and executive functioning. I just wanted to have some viable options available if he ever asked again.
  11. OTE

    OTE Guest

    I'm so sorry that you had to have him in your home to detox. Just FYI: detox places and rehab places are different. That's two lists. Detox is considered medical care RNs, medical doctors etc There's potential medical, not psychological issues, in detox. Things like seizures, unstable blood pressure,... Your insurance may see detox differently than rehab. But most rehabs don't take someone in detox. Or they have a separate program for it anyway They generally don't expect someone in detox to be participating in individual and group therapy for hours a day.

    Also remember that a program that didn't work before might work later. Program philosophies change not to mention the addict changing. Just the definition of IOP is changing near me.

    While medical privacy laws are important. There's another reason for rehab keeping you in the dark. They need to figure out who around him is going to support his sobriety in a way that's helpful to him, who is co-dependent, who is supplying him, etc. They can't be assuming that the fact that we are parents makes up the good guys. Sadly.
  12. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Yeah I know about the detox. The rehab said on their website that they coordinate detox if admitted so we were waiting. It was a complete farce. Next time I'll tell him to go to the ER if he's on benzos.
  13. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    My thoughts:
    Several years ago, my friends son was in a similar situation as your son. My friend received an inheritance was able to move and assist him to start fresh in a new city. Not many people have the luxury of being able to do this. However, the point is the change in the new scenery allowed him to change his life. I admit simply moving is not a miracle solution but perhaps allowing your son a fresh start with your brother may be the boost he needs to change his life. My friend claimed she would not have seen the change if she hadn't moved.

    The best advice I was given many years ago with a difficult decision I was asked. "what's the worst thing that can happen?" If you are able to come up with possible things that can happen and live with it then you'll have your answer. I wish you the best of luck and pray for your son and your family.
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  14. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I'll second the fresh start. N tells me that moving 2,000 miles away once his parole was up was essential to maintaining the transformation he started in prison. I think it was important that the transformation was already started, though, and he had a strong desire to maintain it. I don't think moving by itself, in his worst years, would have made the difference. But even now, he's almost afraid to be back in his hometown, and he is careful to maintain no or only very limited social media contact with people who knew him at that time. He tells me if he moved back here it would be easy to get sucked into old patterns, even years later. So he stays away. He's encouraged his brother and sister to try to get a fresh start somewhere, but I don't think they are quite stable enough for that to work yet.
  15. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks, guys. I checked his phone records and he hasn't called my brother so he probably changed his mind. I do worry for nothing a lot. But RN helped with a place I can give him as an alternative so I feel like I can handle the situation if it arises. A day at a time!
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