Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by bluebell, Mar 30, 2017.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    My son came home last night ready to go to rehab. Currently in the middle of all the calls/application processes I'm sure some of you know quite well. This will be his first time in substance abuse treatment, he had a mental hospital stay in 2014. He is 'only' 20. I know the odds are against him. I know I've only got one shot at this for myself, if he relapses this will have to be on him. My husband is over the moon, I'm terribly saddened at what may be to come, he could bolt, he could leave, he could do well and then relapse like so many others. He's currently asleep and I'm working from home today to make sure he doesn't need to go to detox. But since it's pills he could be still taking them, although he really has nothing left, but pills are small. His room was cleaned out 6 weeks ago and most of his belongings have been lost in the couch surfing that followed.
    A part of me feels the way I did when I brought him home as a newborn, I was scared - we had both barely made it. And his room was relatively empty - except for the weight of a life yet unlived. I felt a strong sense of survival and hope. But he is a man now, and that sense of survival and hope cannot be mine, it must be his.
    I guess another part of me is upset that the run around continues, the peace in my home was so short-lived. I wish the rehab would call me back....
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Beautifully put, bluebell.
    To me, this is not helpful to you, this way of thinking--which is all or nothing.

    This is only this moment, this hour, today. To think of this intervention as your only shot makes it FEEL potentially catastrophic, for you and for him. This is not true.

    Because you already know in addiction that there is likely to be relapse, this way of thinking acts to put you in disaster mode already...before it has happened.

    Your son knows you love him, that you will be there for him, that in your heart there will always be another try...that is the important thing. Try to give yourself that reassurance too.
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  3. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks, Copa, exactly what I needed to hear. Just struggling to find that middle ground between 'over the moon' and 'disaster mode'. One day at a time...
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    This is good news.

    My only advice to you is to not let him come back to your home after rehab. My son relapsed so many times at home.

    Sober living is a better step down.

    My son completed many rehabs and would be sober for a while then back at it. He never made it in sober living either. He is still in one college class and working but no where near where he needs to be.

    Do stay positive though. I hope and pray you have better "luck" than we have had. Pills are hard.
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  5. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks, Rn. I think you've said your son agreed only to avoid being homeless. Pretty sure that's what we are dealing with here. I'm sure he will start working on his dad tonight and talk him into doing this on his own. And I don't want him living here at all, possibly never again. Husband and I are just on 2 different sides of the spectrum. I suppose I appear heartless.
    I did ask my husband the other day how he would feel if my daughter and I yelled and screamed at other to the point of violence. How would that make him feel? Safe/happy in his home? He was speechless and let me tell you that is rare. He's just never been able to put himself in my shoes. His son is the same way.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Are both children both of yours? Not that it matters. My son went to rehab the first time when he was 15. That was a waste of time and money but I was naive.

    But my therapist said that even if they don't WANT to go, they do get something out of it each time. I have to believe that too.

    I also do not want my son living at home ever again. He does not do well here and neither do we.

    Even though he recently relapsed (again) he is still doing more for himself than he ever has. That's something.

    I feel cold hearted myself. I have totally blocked my relationship with my son. He reached out to apologize for his backtrack by email (phone blocked) but I pretty much told him I love him but I need a break. I cannot have a relationship with him or anyone where trust and honesty is only one sided. I don't want that. I also told him he cannot come and see us the week we are at our condo in Florida which is 2.5 hour drive from where he is. This is because I want to relax and can't with him there AND he needs to stay where he is and work. He owes us money. He needs to have at least one consequence for his actions.
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  7. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Yes, RN I just call him 'his son' when I'm not happy with him. They are both our children. Honestly, I don't know how we are still together. Stubborn I guess.
  8. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Blue bell,

    I hope the intake goes smoothly. I never had to call because a case worker from the hospital handled the evaluation and worked with our insurance. We did have to ask a lot of questions though. Our rehab had family sessions that were very helpful, no patients were allowed, just us families.

    Relapse is part of the disease, but he can do it if he wants. Son never relapsed with heroine , it did with weed twice. He is so much better a d growing. Honestly, hardest part is staying with positive people and telling the bank d ones no.

    Good luck, stay strong,
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is a very useful thread for me today. I think the hardest thing for me is not to "relapse," that is, believe that when my son falters, that the very worst thing will for sure happen, now.

    They learn from their relapses, as we learn from our own errors.

    Whatever happened to me in my life that made me feel so battered and vulnerable--that every time there is a setback--I fear disaster--is not about my son.
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  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    You are so wise. Truth, we have to own our own feelings. Th e best part is allowing the good stuff, and sniffing out what isn't healthy.

    We never stop growing!
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    bluebell, mof and RN. I did not see this the first read through.

    That sense of survival and hope CAN BE ours. For ourselves. Not riding on them.

    My son said yesterday: "if you die, I will kill myself." How many times have I thought this but reverse: "I will die if...."

    There are lessons in these days. For me.

    Thank you, you guys.
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  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    I want you to go to Jamaica and have a boatload of fun. Please.
  13. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Update/no update: I still hadn't heard back from the rehab so I had my husband call, that's horrible that I have to get a man to call to get anything done. I sound like a 12 year old girl so that does not help any of my causes. They said they were checking insurance benefits (how long does that take?) and that they would need to talk to him as well. I just hope I can get him to stay. He said he was walking up to the gas station yesterday and I was thinking that was it, he's gone. But he came back with a bag full of candy bars and Mountain Dew (and probably cigs but he hides those from me). I located him going back and forth. So far so good....
  14. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    There may be room for another try in my heart, but certainly not my wallet. :) This is expensive! I would like to retire someday! Sorry, I just had to complain. Thank you so much for your wise words, they have helped me get thru these past few days/weeks.
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I do remember the last time my son was going to rehab they had to talk to HIM and get his information. I was a nervous wreck but he was an adult. I was afraid he'd back out and we'd have to kick him out like we said and knew he had nowhere to go.

    He was sober at that time (that day) after a binge on pills. We had gotten to the end of our ropes (once again) and husband and I went to see a therapist that specializes in addiction agreeing that we would do whatever he said with regards to my son and how we were all living.

    Most important is you have to follow through on what you say to them so I've learned to be careful and not say anything I cannot do.
  16. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I know RN. You have been sitting right here where I am! He was asking about the program yesterday and I was SO reluctant to show him anything since he's not in yet. It's a nice program, covered (somewhat) by my insurance. It's an outdoorsy setting and has decent meals and facilities. They even recommend bringing a fishing pole! Any other program is going to be in a hospital setting. Which I will have to follow thru on like you say, but now he's got his hopes up on this one. Such a tense/fragile situation to be in...
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Don't kill me for saying this but usually the first time doesn't work. I was devastated when I heard this so you may as well hear it now.

    My son has been in several in patient, out patient, detox etc. and says he wants to change and I do believe he does deep down but he just isn't doing the work yet or something. I am not even sure what is stopping him but we think it's maturity.

    I am seeing a psychic/medium in a few weeks. One of the top ten in Chicago. Mainly because I want to hear what she says about my son. Sometimes I feel like he has no future. I lose all hope at times.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Good idea!

    I had a dream last night, that I found out that my son had been indicted for murder, while he had been in a psychiatric hospital.

    My son is a sweet and caring man, not violent. but he is impulsive and his judgment is poor. Think about "herding cats."

    I woke up frantic and desperate. I am having a hard time talking myself down from the agitation of this risk level in my dreamscape.
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    RN, I am a big believer in the afterlife. I hope you found a good one. A good one can give you details that nobody knows but you. I have one that gave me names and dates and this was before Facebook. It convinced me and my spirituality has changed my i feel we dont die and live many lives. And we are with pur loved ones in other lives but as different roles. I believe in eternity and that earth is a school for the evolution of our soul. A tough school in which we learn the most from our hardships.

    On a more mainstrean level, nobody has been a better role model to the mothers of substance abusing loved ones than you. You are smart, wise, and loving. You are doing a great job for yourself and your son. And you obviously have down times but you do remain hopeful often as well. I admire you.
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