Relocated to start fresh...

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
I just have to tell you all this... My son is a train wreck. So he was discharged from the 30 day treatment. He made it sound that he had it this time... Still refused our generous offer to do sober living and went back to living alone in his apartment. Kept harping on us that we should put money down on his car since he didn't take us up on the offer to do sober living.. We said no because he was not working any program with accountability. He then went and bought his own car... Borrowed from his 401k, etc. He sent me the info and said it was "as is" I warned him NO! That if there is no warranty that is a red flag. I got "Well, no one is helping me with this so I am getting it. I don't intend to break it" OMG. I told him it wasn't that he would break it but that there was already something wrong with it... Well 13 days into using it there were problems. Huge problems. Luckily with many phone calls to the dealer who took him across and the dealer who was fixing it plus the added insurance he bought they were able to work it out.
So he relapsed after 4 days of leaving treatment, missed 2 days of work. We had cancelled our trip to go see him and then he said he really wanted to see us so my husband felt we should go because we don't know when we would see him again.
At the rehab they diagnosised him with Borderline Personality Disorder and after researching it, wow, does it makes sense. However, someone told me that they can't diagnosis that unless he is 6 months sober. Anyway his self harming, suicide talk, and constant need to have a girlfriend are all signs of this. Plus his impulsive decisions, reckless driving and spending.
He was on and off about moving to Texas... One day going, one day not going, found a roommate and paid the application fee for an apartment. Turned around and told him he was ill and had to move home... Then found an apartment in Texas, put the payment down and at the last minute said he wasn't going there because there was rules and no overnight guests.
He literally threw all of his belongings away at his apartment and packed his car and drove to Dallas now... Put many application fees in for apartments only to change his mind. Arrived yesterday and found out that the last place he put a deposit on was in a high crime area so now isn't going to stay there. He is currently at an extended stay hotel. How he is affording this stuff I have no idea. He has to have his credit cards maxed or soon maxed.
He text me this morning that he was drinking last night and that he went to buy a pistol... I am SICK of his suicide talk.
I told him he needed sober living and structure. That he will never have a Normal life until he gets help and sticks with it. (He refuses to live at sober living because that is not leading a normal life and he can't have a girlfriend...)
I want to tell him that if he ends up with any dui's or legal issues we are NOT paying for any lawyers, etc. My husband feels that we shouldn't say that... What are your thoughts?
He text us last night "we have a problem" It was about the place he was to stay being in a high crime area. Why is it OUR problem is what I wanted to ask. I left my husband handle it. I didn't even get on the phone.
I have awful thoughts about him. I wouldn't care if something happened to him. I am sorry. He just doesn't listen.
We told him that we are done paying for treatment centers. We are done paying lease breaks.
I am on the fence about his health insurance. He can stay on ours through COBRA so I thought maybe we should until 1/1/21 and then he could get on his work insurance. I feel I should not do this but his deductible is met on the insurance we have so if he needed any emergency care in November - it would all be paid. However, December starts are new plan.
I don't think his work insurance is the best. Anyone have experience with United Healthcare PPO Choice?
I have about a week to decide yet.
Thanks for listening to my venting.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. Welcome to our world, sadly.

Your son is acting like an addict who may also have borderline, like our Kay. She cuts, threatens suicide and almost broke our bank. We finally said NO. We can't and won't help her anymore. It hasn't helped her and it hurts us.

We made it clear to Kay that each time she threatened suicide we would call 911. So she stopped. We refused to talk to her about how WE had to fix her problems. Um no. No no no.

She is living in an old camper now. Not sure where she is. Last we knew for sure it was Arizona. Her son lives with our other daughter now. He is a child, so our main concern. But he is safe.

I don't feel you need to tell your son anything. He is in self destruct mode expecting you to bail him out, but how can you? We learned we can not fix another person. Especially not an addict who is like a defiant child. I would limit phone contact. We did. It was helpful to our peace. If he calls to ask for money just say no. No is a complete sentence. As for the insurance...he can get Medicaid. Kay is on it now.

My heart hurts for you because I get it. Kay is not very different from your son. These are difficult adults who behave in puzzling ways. We can't control them. Yet, like children, they ask for our help even thought they won't help themselves.

Your husband and you deserve to have peace.

Love and hugs.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Re: insurance. Does it cost you extra to keep him on your plan? Ours doesn't so we will keep them on it. I believe it can become a secondary insurance if they get ins at a job. I haven't checked yet, as I see no full time job with benefits in their future.

Our state hasn't expanded medicaid, so they wouldn't qualify for that, either. Even with mental health or addiction issues... people are dying because of lack of health care in our state.

It is a hard decision to make... there comes a time when boundaries are necessary.

Ksm
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Tryingtobestrong, just wanted to quickly jump on and send you a hug. I understand what it feels like to be done. My son is very similar to yours and I want you to know that you are not the only one to have bad thoughts. Sometimes dealing with all this becomes so overwhelming that I think it's perfectly understandable to throw our hands in the air and say, "Enough!"

I can't help re insurance as I'm in Australia, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Wanted to offer you hugs and prayers.

You can only do what your heart can bear. I say stop it to all of it. He needs to experience ALL of the consequences of his behavior.

My son was like that too about sober living. He wanted to live a "normal life". Well, you can't right now because you're not living normal!! WTH

In the end I was more stubborn than he was and I am not a stubborn person but I would no no longer give him a fraction of an inch.

And my husband said he'd rather our son would pass than for him to live like this. Yes he said that. We just talked about it the other day - our son is doing so very well now - and husband does not regret saying that or feeling it. It was his rock bottom. They are so much alike it's scary. They look alike too.

I guess the bottom line is that our son had to care more about himself than we cared about him at that time and we had to LET that happen. I just realized that this very moment that I wrote it.

This is not easy but HE can change his life and have and make a good life for himself.

Take care.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Trying. I am so sorry.
I want to tell him that if he ends up with any dui's or legal issues we are NOT paying for any lawyers, etc. My husband feels that we shouldn't say that... What are your thoughts?
Look trying. You don't need to explain to him (yet again) that you won't pay for this or that. These are his expenses. The person who is not convinced, who has not heard, is you not him.
He just doesn't listen.
This is a merry go round that is not so merry. You choose to keep going round and round with him. The only way to stop this is for you to get off. This is not his problem. It's yours.

Every single mother here knows how frightened and horrified and tired of this you are. But we also know that the only way that this stops is if you stop. Please read your old threads. Only you can decide how much is enough. This is the best thing you can do for your son. He knows how to get help.
 
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