Removing toxic people from your life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Apr 4, 2019.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

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  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You have to do this. I am much more relaxed. I love my brother and sister, really, but they think about me in a toxic and untrue way and honestly it will never change. Meanwhile I have joined a volunteer group and a spiritual study group and at my age have more kind friends than ever. I love them all. And I dont have to prove to them that Im a good person. They must feel it because they like and include me.

    Let nobody invalidate your life's experiences or try to tell you who or what you are or why things happened. Or WHAT happened to you because the only person who experienced your life is you. Not even your own kids have a right to try to change history. You know your history. Dont let anyone make you doubt what you know. Some people who lived with you still missed a lot of how Narcicists and Borderlines may have treated you. They dont see everything. My B Mom did many things when we were alone and as I got older nobody was around but her and me so what incidents she told others about were not accurate. Second hand info paints the speaker in a good light regardless.

    Ns treat everyone differently and sometimes the others dont feel the wrath. Often my sibs didnt see or hear my mothers horrible abuse both as a child and older. So she told her story and they knew her story. Which means they knew little.

    What people know about you is 90 percent what they hear about us, not what they see, and families are more apt to jump on rumors and stories and drama than non related people do. I feel my mother was severely Borderline and by my description more than one therapist totally agrees. My Dad was a narcicist but he at least loved us all equally. I had nice moments with him when we were alone.

    In my case non related people were always much more loving than my family was. There is less rivalry perhaps.

    Please purge yourself of people who dont make you feel good about you, even family.

    And be sure to be kind to others and to animals. And if somebody brings out your worst, even though you know that is not how you usually are, it may be a sign that the person is bad for you, even if that person may be nice to somebody else. Be choosy about who deserves to be in your life.

    Love yourself. We matter!!
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    Last edited: Apr 5, 2019
  3. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thanks for posting this - it makes absolute sense, and it's important to keep reminding myself that I must set boundaries.
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  4. Heartbroken mom

    Heartbroken mom New Member

    agree finally have let go
    I’m feeling so much better
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’ve had a lot of weird experiences with people being jealous of me or something very similar to jealousy.
    Two of the closest people in the world to me (souse and a parent) have told me this repeatedly.
    I find this (folks jealous of me ) toxic in a way. They are not happy when things go well for me. Rejoice when I have problems. WTH?
    What am I to do?
    I’ve made some good choices in my life that have been helpful.
    But I also have some crummy health problems and a Difficult Child.
    Life isn’t perfect.
    I have my heartache too.
    I tend not to complain. (On this site I let lose a little though)
    Bottom I remove myself from all these toxic (jealous) people?
    There wouldn’t be too many left.
    I was going to start a thread on this.
    I DO remove myself though from vicious mean spirited people who cause lots of pain and I particularly don’t like chronic liars and gossipers.
    A few others I have just kind of stepped back a bit. The grey area people. I have a long term friend who was very nice for years and then turned very jealous for years. I put her in the pulled back category. Not truly toxic...but not so hot either. Ugh.

    PS I like that part if the toxic person tries and truly attempts to abide by your boundaries that might be different. But if not, it’s fine to walk away.
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    Last edited: Apr 7, 2019
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I removed everyone, all two of them. I should have done it decades ago and inciuded Mommy Undearest. in all seriousness, you cant enjoy anyone who is in any way hostile toward you. Jealousy is hostility. I can have strong emotions but dont bother much feeling jealous.

    Being jealous of you isnt friendship. Jealousy is a competitive, shallow emotion. You deserve better. Ask for it because you are a good person :)

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    Last edited: Apr 7, 2019
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you Swot
    Honestly, there would be few left.
    BUT I can honestly say, those few are super duper very good people.

    Food for thought. Hmmm. Thank you.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I also have a friend that is jealous of me - as told by another mutual friend.

    She is jealous of my husband mainly and the relationship that we have.

    We went to high school together. She lived in my apartment with me for a short time when we were 18. Both my parents were dead and her dad and sister had kicked her out.

    We went our separate ways. We reconnected after my divorce - age 26. We did have fun together. She was very weird when I brought my (current) husband to a party we all attended. Said he was cute and she had slept with him. WHAT? Of course we were 30 and I had not known him long so wasn't positive she was lying. She was "kidding". Hmmm

    We went our separate ways. She came back into my life 12 years later. She had married and on verge of divorce.

    Husband and I were very good to her. She apologized for how she had acted. We took her out or had her over for every birthday so she wouldn't be alone. We had her over often.

    We both moved out of Chicago last year. She went to SC. Barely hear from her. I think I put more into that "friendship" than any other and got such little back.
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    awful story, RN. These folks really can hurt us. :(
    “Hurt people hurt people”
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Saw something on the internet today.
    Basically it said avoid telling people your problems.
    80 percent don’t care
    20 percent are happy you have them
    It’s the 20 percent thing that creeps me out, especially if they are suppose to be your friends.
    We are lucky to have this site. Because having a Difficult Child is indeed a very difficult, often very painful problem.
  11. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    Sometimes you have to cut loose someone you care about or at least put a barrier between you & them out of sheer self-preservation. Quoth Limelight by Rush: "One must up barriers to keep oneself intact."

    I had to do this for a while with my late Mom. She had this knack for alienating people who you'd think would be closest to her. She reminded me of a couple of lines by Stephen Crane:

    This was Mom.

    Good luck.